Speed 2: Cruise Control

Directed by: Jan De Bont
Starring: Sandra Bullock, Willem Dafoe, and Lame White Pretty Boy
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(Sandra Bullock is standing in front of a cruise ship.)

SANDRA BULLOCK
Oooh, I'm about to start a long, romantic, tropical cruise with Keanu Reeves. I can't wait!

LAME WHITE PRETTY BOY
Hi.

SANDRA BULLOCK
Who the hell are you? Where's Keanu?

LAME WHITE PRETTY BOY
He abandoned ship. How about the two of us set sail instead?

SANDRA BULLOCK
Hmm...what's your cabin like?

LAME WHITE PRETTY BOY
Let me tell you something, lady. It's not the size of your cabin that counts; it's the motion in the ocean.

SANDRA BULLOCK
Yeah, I've heard that one before.

(Sandra Bullock and Lame White Pretty Boy board the ship. The vacation goes well until Willem Dafoe appears.)

WILLEM DAFOE
Hoo-hoo-haa-haa!! I'm crazy, get it?!

(Willem DaFoe takes over the ship and most likely steers it in a different direction. Of course, since we're in the middle of the ocean surrounded by water as far as the eye can see, we neither notice nor care.)

PANICKED PASSENGERS
We're going fast! We're out of control!

AUDIENCE (snoring)
Zzzzzzzzzzzz...

(The shore comes into view. The ship is about to careen into a resort town.)

LAME WHITE PRETTY BOY
Quick, drop an anchor or something to stop us.

JAN DE BONT
Forget it, the crash scene stays in. We blew our entire budget on it. Why do you think we've been feeding y'all hot pockets for the past six weeks?

(The ship impacts the dock. Because the ship appears to be moving as slow as molasses to the untrained eye of an audience member, Extremely Annoying Scottish Crewman cries out the present speed every five seconds.)

EXTREMELY ANNOYING SCOTTISH CREWMAN
Four knots!!!!!

LONE DUMBASS IN AUDIENCE
Holy shit! Four knots!!!

(Finally, the ship stalls.)

AUDIENCE MEMBERS STILL AWAKE
Thank God...it's over.

WILLEM DAFOE
Not so fast, I'm still alive. And I'm still CRAZY!!!!
(goes on a joyride on his waverunner)
See, here's where the SPEED part of the movie comes into play!
(blows up)

(Everyone associated with the movie is called into 20th Century Fox's boardroom.)

TRUMP
Okay, who was responsible for this debacle?

JAN DE BONT
I was the project manager, sir, so I should take the blame.

TRUMP
I like your honesty, you can stay. But Lame White Pretty Boy, you got a shot at the big time and you blew it. Opportunity doesn't knock twice, kid, so when it does, you don't walk to answer, you run. But in your case, you were asleep at the helm. Some folks are not cut out for Hollywood, and you're one of them. YOU'RE FIRED.

(Dejected, Lame White Pretty Boy goes on to make even worse films.)

THE END