12.27.2005

Alien

Directed by: Ridley Scott
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(Scene: The Nostromo spacecraft. A distress call wakes the crew from their hypersleep.)

DALLAS
Hey, everybody. Looks like someone's in trouble on Spooky Planet. Let's go!

BRETT
How the hell are we gonna help? We're a bunch of space miners.

ASH
I think it's very important that we land on Spooky Planet. VERY important.

BRETT
Well, that convinced me. Let's go.

(They land on Spooky Planet. Kane leaves the ship to investigate and returns with a mutated starfish attached to his face. Ripley lies Kane down in the medical ward while the Nostromo takes off again.)

RIPLEY
Let's cut this thing off him.

DALLAS
Can't. It bleeds acid.

PARKER
Let's dump some baking soda on it.

LAMBERT
What good will that do?

PARKER
Might look cool.

(The crew becomes bored and leaves Kane alone. Later, Ripley wonders by the ward.)

RIPLEY
Hey, look at Kane. That thing's gone now.

KANE (wakes up)
Boy, nothing like frenching a mutant starfish for three hours to give a guy an appetite. What's for dinner?

(They all sit down to a heaping portion of spaghetti.)

BRETT
Great to have you back, Kane.

(Suddenly, an alien bursts out of Kane's stomach and dashes out of the room.)

DALLAS
This tastes bland as shit. Pass the tabasco sauce.

RIPLEY
Dallas, Kane's stomach just exploded.

DALLAS
Really? In that case, forget the tabasco.

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(The alien has killed Brett.)

DALLAS
Hmm...this thing might be dangerous. Let me crawl into the Super Scary Claustrophobic Air Ducts and see if I can get a better look at it.

(He does and dies.)

RIPLEY
Let's kill the alien.

ASH
No, let's befriend it.

RIPLEY
Ash...you appear to be bleeding milk.

(Ash goes crazy and attacks Ripley, but Parker kicks his ass. Turns out Ash is an android that was sent to kidnap the alien.)

ASH
And I would've gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for you nosy kids!

(Parker blowtorches him.)

LAMBERT
Now what?

RIPLEY
I think we should blow up the ship and ditch in the Super Cramped Experimental Escape Shuttle. I'll go get the ship's cat. You two go down the Super Scary Pitch Black Passageway.

(They do and are killed by the alien.)

RIPLEY
Oops. Oh well, it's for the best. We only have two hypersleep pods anyway, and one's reserved for the cat.

(Ripley jettisons the ship in the escape shuttle. The Nostromo blows up.)

RIPLEY
I just exploded an eighty trillion dollar spacecraft in order to kill some two-bit alien. God, life is good!

(The alien shows up.)

RIPLEY
Oh, eff this.
(begins undressing in order to put on her space suit)

ALIEN (drooling)
You're such a tease. Do I make you horny, baby?

RIPLEY
Huh?

ALIEN
Just setting up the sexual tension between us, so it will make sense when we "do it" in the sequel.

RIDLEY SCOTT
You're joking.

JEAN-PIERRE JEUNET
No.

RIDLEY SCOTT
See ya.
(takes off and never looks back)

THE END

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