Quiz Show

Directed by: Robert Redford
Starring: A Jewish Ken Jennings, Ted Turner, Chuck Woolery, New England Lawyah, Swarmy TV Execs, Overshadowed Son, and Smart Dad
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TED TURNER
How'd we do this week?

INTERN
Everything's up, sir...except for Quiz Show, whose ratings have dropped faster than Janet Reno's testicles.

TED TURNER
What?! Who's our reigning champion?

INTERN
A Jewish Ken Jennings.

TED TURNER
Sweet Christ... Call in Swarmy TV Execs, stat!

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SWARMY TV EXEC ONE
Jewish Ken, you know how we've given you the answers to the quiz show week after week and you've made like thousands of dollars? Well, now we need you to take a dive.

JEWISH KEN JENNINGS
Forget it. The audience loves me.

SWARMY TV EXEC TWO
Actually, they hate you. Besides, if you want a future in television, you'll take a dive.

JEWISH KEN JENNINGS
All right.

SWARMY TV EXEC TWO
Sucker.

(Jewish Ken Jennings takes a dive. Now Overshadowed Son is the champion.)

SWARMY TV EXEC ONE
Congratulations, Overshadowed Son! You obviously have an incredible intellect. Now, here are all the answers for next week's show.

OVERSHADOWED SON
What? I don't want the answers. I want to play fair and square.

SWAMY TV EXEC TWO
C'mon.

OVERSHADOWED SON
Ok.

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NEW ENGLAND LAWYAH
The quiz show is rigged and I can prove it.

SWARMY TV EXECS
*Yawn*

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NEW ENGLAND LAWYAH
The quiz show is rigged and I can prove it.

TED TURNER
*Yawn*

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NEW ENGLAND LAWYAH
The quiz show is rigged and I can prove it.

JEWISH KEN JENNINGS
I know, I'm the one who told you.

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NEW ENGLAND LAWYAH
The quiz show is rigged and I can prove it.

OVERSHADOWED SON
DEAR GOD—How did you find out??!! Uh...I mean, coffee?

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OVERSHADOWED SON
The grand jury investigating the quiz show scandal wants me to testify. Should I do it?

TED TURNER
No.

NEW ENGLAND LAWYAH
Yes.

SWARMY TV EXECS
No.

JEWISH KEN JENNINGS
Yes.

CHUCK WOOLERY
No.

SMART DAD
Yes.

OVERSHADOWED SON
Really, Dad, you think I should?

SMART DAD
Of course. You have nothing to hide.

OVERSHADOWED SON
Actually, I've been systematically cheating from the very beginning.

SMART DAD
Well, fuck you then.

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(Overshadowed Son testifies publicly about the quiz show scandal.)

NEW ENGLAND LAWYAH
Good. Now evehything is right again.

OVERSHADOWED SON AND SWARMY TV EXECS
Except we lost our jobs.

SMART DAD
And I lost respect for my son.

JEWISH KEN JENNINGS
And I lost my annoying Jewish caricature.

TED TURNER
And I just got richer! Hahahah!

AUDIENCE
Wait a minute...this isn't a happy ending at all.

TED TURNER
That's right. I hope you all realize the moral of this story: TV is evil. ...except for TBS and TNT—they're some good shit.

THE END