1.07.2006

The Exorcism of Emily Rose

Starring: Father Moore, Lawyer Who Lost Her Faith, Jack McCoy With A Mustache, Head Suit, Hot Possessed Chick, etc.
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HEAD SUIT
You—Lawyer Who Lost Her Faith—we need you to defend Father Moore. He's an old quack priest who killed some chick during an exorcism. Have fun!

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(Outside the courthouse...)

LAWYER WHO LOST HER FAITH
Okay, Father, why don't you tell me what happened?

FATHER MOORE
I worked to dispell Satan and six other devils from Emily Rose's body, but he gripped her in the dark cloak of death!

LAWYER WHO LOST HER FAITH
I see... Now, are you familiar with the insanity defense?

JACK MCCOY WITH A MUSTACHE (shows up)
Hi, Father Moore. I'm from Law and Order S.T.F.U. Stoned Trippin' Fathers Unit. I understand you killed some freaky hot chick.

FATHER MOORE
She was possessed by the devil!

JACK MCCOY WITH A MUSTACHE
Hmm, a cokehead priest...we've seen a lot of this lately. Father, you been doin' some of mother nature's baby power? You been sniffin' the good stuff?

FATHER MOORE
Well, it's not the 80s and I'm not Lindsay Lohan, so NO.

JACK MCCOY WITH A MUSTACHE
You're charged with second degree murder, but you've got a nice face and I've got a lunch engagement with one of my prostitutes, so I'm willing to drop the charges to reckless jaywalking, $18 fine.

FATHER MOORE
NO DEALS.

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(The trial begins. A third of the audience leaves the movie to see if they are in the right theatre. They do not return. Occasionally we see flashbacks featuring Emily Rose twisted into a pretzel.)

GUY IN AUDIENCE
A contortionist chick...that's hot.

(We see a flashback of the exorcism. Father Moore, Emily's Dad, Emily's Boyfriend and Pussy Doctor are present.)

FATHER MOORE
Who is in you?!

EMILY ROSE (possessed)
Cain! Nero! Hecuba! Judas! Carrottop!

FATHER MOORE
Dear Christ!

PUSSY DOCTOR (to Boyfriend)
How can you possibly still be seeing her?

BOYFRIEND
Look how many men she's let in her already. It's just a matter of time before I get lucky.

(The exorcism finishes, but nothing is different.)

DAD
Now what?

FATHER MOORE
Hell if I know.

(Mary, Mother of God shows up.)

FATHER MOORE
Ah, now it all makes sense.

(Mary does nothing and goes away.)

FATHER MOORE
Shit.

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(Back at the trial. Closing arguments.)

JACK MCCOY WITH A MUSTACHE
And then Emily Rose died. Find Father Moore guilty of murder.
(sits)

LAWYER WHO LOST HER FAITH
I was an atheist, but then freaky shit began happening in my apartment, so now I believe in God. Anyway, vote not guilty.

(Thirty seconds later.)

JURORS
We find the defendant guilty...

JUDGE (sweating, to herself)
Uh oh, I thought this movie wasn't supposed to take a stand one way or the other. Now Pat Robertson's gonna be on our ass.

JURORS
...but we think he's nice and shouldn't go to jail.

JUDGE
Phew...

PAT ROBERTSON
Hooray!

THE END

2 Comments:

At 1/10/2006 2:52 PM, Blogger Scott Derrickson said...

Okay, a friend sent me the link to this, and I gotta say, it's the funniest thing I've seen in awhile -- I laughed my ass off.

And by the way, I directed the movie. Really.

 
At 1/28/2006 7:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HILARIOUS. I love this site, it's a totally awesome idea!

 

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