1.03.2006

Lolita

Directed by: Stanley Kubrick (a.k.a. "Scary Man with Crazy Beard")
Starring: Humbert (squared), Lolita, Slutty Landlady and Woody Allen
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HUMBERT (squared)
I'm a divorced British professor of French literature who has traveled to small town America in order to teach at the local school. I need a place to stay.

SLUTTY LANDLADY
I'll rent you my vagin...I mean, my spare room. By the way here's my precocious, sexually-curious teenage daughter, Lolita.

HUMBERT (squared)
Shaawing!

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SLUTTY LANDLADY
Wanna sleep with me?

HUMBERT (squared)
Nope.

(Slutty Landlady finds out Humbert is a pedaphile lusting after her daughter. Five seconds later she is run over by a car.)

HUMBERT (squared)
Phew, that was convenient. Hey, Lolita! Let's go for a vacation without Mummy. By the way, don't look down the street.

(He and Lolita travel the country. Lolita is totally macking on him.)

HUMBERT (squared)
By the way, your mom is dead.

LOLITA
I hate you. No, I don't.

(She does.)

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(They stop at a hotel for the night. Humbert squared goes onto the porch for some air.)

WOODY ALLEN
Oh Gawd! Hello.

HUMBERT (squared)
Um, hi.

WOODY ALLEN
You have a nice face. I wish I had a nice face. That's a pretty little girl with you. I like little girls.

HUMBERT (squared)
Ok, I think I'll go back inside now.

WOODY ALLEN
Youhaveanicefacegoodnight.

(We think Lolita and Humbert squared get it on, but we don't see anything. They continue to drive cross country. It becomes apparent that Lolita wears the pants in the relationship.)

LOLITA
Stop at the next gas station.

HUMBERT (squared)
Why?

LOLITA
Cause I said so, bitch!

(Humbert squared goes inside to take a piss and sees Lolita mackin' it with some dude in a coupe, who then drives off.)

HUMBERT (squared)
Who was that?

LOLITA
Who?

HUMBERT (squared)
That guy.

LOLITA
What guy?

HUMBERT (squared)
The guy in that car?

LOLITA
What car?

HUMBERT (squared)
The car that just left this gas station.

LOLITA
What gas station?

HUMBERT (squared)
Stop playing games!

LOLITA
Who's on first?

HUMBERT (squared)
Who?

LOLITA
Exactly.

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(Their affair continues unfettered except now she acts like a bitch and he like a pussy all of the time instead of 90% of the time. Then Lolita gets "sick".)

LOLITA
*Cough, Cough*

HUMBERT (squared)
I'll call the ambulence!

(The next morning he goes to the hospital to have her released.)

HUMBERT (squared)
I'm here to pick up Lolita.

NURSE
Oh, Uncle Buck came to pick her up three hours ago.

HUMBERT (squared) (turns into the Hulk and starts knocking over shit)
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! BLAH!! BOOO!! BRAHHH!!

NURSE (to an orderly)
Call the police!

HUMBERT (squared)
I'm cool.

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(One year passes without a trace of Lolita. Then one day she sends him a letter and he goes to visit her.)

LOLITA
Hi. Dis is my baby daddy. We're hard up for some cash.

HUMBERT (squared)
Come back with me.

LOLITA
You stupid fucking prick. I was fucking around on your pathetic ass with a guy who makes a fortune directing movies and playing with little girls: Woody Allen. By the way, I always hated you.

HUMBERT (squared)
Here's five thousand dollars.

LOLITA
I love you! Visit anytime!

(Humbert squared departs in tears and then kills Woody Allen.)

HUMBERT (squared)
That was for Lolita...and "What's Up, Tiger Lilly". That movie sucked!

THE END

3 Comments:

At 1/08/2006 10:27 PM, Anonymous ffunit said...

dude, you rock and they are all funny, but stop doing new movies. I dont watch new movies because they suck ass. Please do some old or classic movies.

 
At 1/08/2006 10:50 PM, Blogger "Mister_Anderson" said...

Thanks for the comment, but Lolita's not exactly a new movie. Unless you're referring to Exorcism of Emily Rose?

 
At 1/09/2006 9:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

XDD Wonderful, great stuff! I like 'Lolita' especially because I just saw it over the Holiday Break (on TCM, I think). Its cool to see another take on his work! :)

If you're up to it, I'd love to see more of Kubrick's movies featured; he's one of my favorite directors, and I know you'd do them justice.

~R. Smith

 

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