Executive Decision

Starring: Kurt Russell, Steven Seagal, Arab Terrorists, Multicultural Good Guys, and Steven Seagal (in case you missed it the first time)
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STEVEN SEAGAL
Come on, commandos! Let's go get the terrorist nerve gas!

COMMANDOS
Yay!

(The terrorist nerve gas is missing.)

STEVEN SEAGAL
D'oh.

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(Meanwhile, Middle-Eastern terrorists, with possession of the nerve gas, have hijacked a commercial airliner.)

TED KENNEDY AND C.A.I.R.
You can't make the terrorists Arabs! That's racist!

OSAMA BIN LADEN
Please just shut the fuck up.

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(A multicultural taskforce of good guys, assembled to take out the terrorists mid-flight, has connected to the airliner via stealth fighter. All of the taskforce make it onto the plane except Steven Seagal. Suddenly, Kurt Russell remembers Passenger 57 and realizes this movie likely will flop.)

KURT RUSSELL (calling down to Seagal)
Our careers aren't going to make it!

STEVEN SEAGAL
Yours will! You'll go on to star in Miracle, whereas I'll be moving on to dreck like Half Past Dead.
(dies)

ASIAN GOOD GUY
Uh oh, Steven Seagal was our leader good guy. Now we don't know what to do.

KURT RUSSELL
I'll be your leader good guy.

HISPANIC GOOD GUY
Haha, you don't know the first thing about being a leader.

KURT RUSSELL
How about we kill the terrorists?

HISPANIC GOOD GUY
I see now I misjudged you.

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(The multicultural taskforce does some zero-g manuevers and cuts some wires, but nothing really happens.)

WHITE GOOD GUY WHO'S NOT KURT RUSSELL
Are we ready to storm the terrorists yet?

KURT RUSSELL
No. We must wait until Oliver Fatt and Black Good Guy diffuse the bomb.

(Ten minutes go by. Oliver Fatt and Black Good Guy turn out to be horrible at diffusing bombs.)

KURT RUSSELL
Okay, now we can go in. But first I'm going to touch Halle Berry's ass.
(does)

(The good guy taskforce storm the main cabin and take out all the hijackers, but the pilots die in the process. The passengers panic.)

KURT RUSSELL
Don't worry everyone, I'll land the plane.
(does)

HALLE BERRY
My hero.

STEVEN SEAGALL (shows up)
Hi, everybody!

HISPANIC GOOD GUY
Um...you died like an hour ago.

STEVEN SEAGALL
But Steven Seagall can't die.

BLACK GOOD GUY
You fell out of a plane in mid-flight.

STEVEN SEAGALL
Maybe I grabbed hold of the rudder and coasted my way to safety.

BLACK GOOD GUY
I'm pretty sure that didn't happen.

STEVEN SEAGALL
Oh...oh.
(goes away)

THE END