The Skulls

Directed by: Rob Cohen

Starring: It's a secret (but not a good one)
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COACH
Welcome, gentlemen, to The Femurs: the secretest secret society in the known universe. Now to take attendance. Political Bigwig?

SENATOR GRISSOM
Here.

COACH
Manly Moron?

PAUL “LOOK MA, I’M ACTING” WALKER
Here.

COACH
Asshole Assistant?

CHRISTOPHER MACDONALD
Here.

COACH
Washed-Up TV Idol?

PACEY
Here.

COACH
Actually, I was referring to myself.

(The candidates are put through several trials, each more demanding than the last, until they are finally inducted. There is a great banquet.)

THE FEMURS (singing)
Who controls the British crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do.
We do.

(Abruptly, Pacey’s best black friend ends up dead.)

PACEY
Manly Moron, you were the one who killed my best black friend, weren’t you?

PAUL “LOOK MA, I’M ACTING” WALKER
It wasn’t my fault! Tell him, Dad.

COACH
That colored boy had it coming. Now let’s all celebrate by smoking $300 cigars.

(Pacey digs deeper into the death and discovers that the real murderer was Coach.)

COACH
Pacey, your investigation has disgraced this society. As a consequence of your blatant insubordination and pursuant to our organization’s eighteenth century code of ethics, my son hereby challenges you to a duel.

PAUL “LOOK MA, I’M ACTING” WALKER
Oh, thanks.

(There is much disagreement amongst the socialites.)

COACH
See, it’s right here in our bylaws.

SENATOR GRISSOM
Yep, looks legal to me.

(They begin to pace off. Pacey throws his pistol to the ground. Instead of shooting him, Paul “Look Ma, I’m Acting” Walker shoots Coach.)

PAUL “LOOK MA, I’M ACTING” WALKER
I shot you because I love you.

SENATOR GRISSOM
Well, that wraps everything up. Time for me to return to Washington, where the notoriety of my deep involvement in this scandal is sure to whisk me to re-election.

THE END