The Vanishing

Directed by: The same guy who directed the good version
Starring: Jack Bauer (that's all you need to know)
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(Jack Bauer and Sandra Bullock are stopped at a gas station.)

JACK BAUER
I love you, Sandra Bullock.

SANDRA BULLOCK
And I love you, Jack Bauer.

(Five minutes later, Sandra Bullock has disappeared.)

JACK BAUER
Humph.

(Three years later...)

JACK BAUER
I love you, Nancy Travis.

NANCY TRAVIS
No, you still love your missing girlfriend.

JACK BAUER
You're right.

(Nancy Travis leaves. "Slow" Kidnapper shows up.)

SLOW KIDNAPPER
He-llo, Jaack. I'm the uune who kidnaapped your gurlfriend many mooons ago.

(Jack Bauer KICKS HIS ASS in true Jack Bauer form. Slow Kidnapper is beaten to a bloody pulp.)

JACK BAUER
Tell me what you did with her!

SLOW KIDNAPPER
Whaat?

JACK BAUER
DAMN IT! We don't have any time!!

SLOW KIDNAPPER
To... find... out... what... happened... to... Sandra... Bullock... you... have... to... go... through... exactly... what... she... went... through.

JACK BAUER
If you think I'm going to star in a horrible sequel to "Speed", you're crazier than you look.

SLOW KIDNAPPER
Yess, that would be too cruel. Here, just drink dis coffee instead.

JACK BAUER
Okay, but it better not be decaf.
(drinks)

(It is decaf, or drugged... Jack Bauer passes out. When he wakes up, he's buried underground in a coffin.)

JACK BAUER (calling)
Okay, I don't need to know anymore!

(With the help of Nancy Travis, Jack Bauer breaks out of his casket and kicks Slow Kidnapper's ass again, this time killing him.)

DUTCH FILM SNOBS
Huh?! This remake sucks! He's supposed to die in the coffin. They can't change the ending!

JACK BAUER
Of course I can, fucktards. I'm Jack Bauer. I can nuke your whole country if I feel like it.
(kills Dutch Film Snobs)
God bless America.

(He has passionate sex with Nancy Travis and then ditches her for a hotter girlfriend.)

THE END