3.05.2006

Heathers

Starring: A bunch of 20-somethings trying to act like high schoolers.
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WINONA RYDER
Sigh. I'm popular, but all my friends are bitches named Heather.

HEATHER WITH BAD 80s HAIR
I'm hot!

HEATHER WITH WORSE 80s HAIR
I'm hotter!

HEATHER WHO SHOULD JUST SHAVE IT ALL OFF
I'm the most hottest!

CHRISTIAN SLATER PLAYING JACK NICHOLSON (to Winona Ryder)
Hey, babe, what's, going, on.

WINONA RYDER
Hey, you're cute.

(Christian Slater Playing Jack Nicholson takes out a gun and starts shooting at students.)

WINONA RYDER
Wow, you're crazy. That turns me on.

(They make out.)

WINONA RYDER
I hate that Heather With the Worst 80s Hair bitch-friend of mine.

CHRISTIAN SLATER PlAYING JACK NICHOLSON
Let's trick her.

(They do. She dies.)

WINONA RYDER
What happened?!

CHRISTIAN SLATER PLAYING JACK NICHOLSON
I dunno. Well, maybe it had something to do with this Drano I made her drink. Let's make it look like a suicide.

(They do. Now Heather is even more popular dead than alive.)

WINONA RYDER
Look, suicide's become the new "in" thing to do. I wonder if it'll replace snap bracelets.

CHRISTIAN SLATER PLAYING JACK NICHOLSON
Let's trick some jocks.

(They do. Christian Slater Playing Jack Nicholson shoots them in the face.)

WINONA RYDER
What happened?! I thought you were only using special stun bullets.

CHRISTIAN SLATER PLAYING JACK NICHOLSON
You're a fucking idiot. Wanna have sex?

WINONA RYDER
No, I hate you now almost I much as I hate the other Heathers.

CHRISTIAN SLATER PLAYING JACK NICHOLSON
Let's kill them too. We'll make them all look like suicides.

WINONA RYDER
No.

CHRISTIAN SLATER PLAYING JACK NICHOLSON
Okay, I'll just blow up the school.

(He almost blows up the school, but Winona Ryder stops him or something, so he decides to blow up himself instead.)

HALF OF THE AUDIENCE
What the hell's the moral of this trash?!

OTHER HALF OF THE AUDIENCE
Shut up. It speaks to us.

HALF OF THE AUDIENCE
And why does Winona Ryder always look like the bride of Satan?

OTHER HALF OF THE AUDIENCE
Stop exaggerating.

(In her next two movies, Winona Ryder also looks like the bride of Satan.)

OTHER HALF OF THE AUDIENCE
Well, at least in these movies she starred opposite even bigger freaks.

BEETLEJUICE AND EDWARD SCISSORHANDS
You just made two powerful enemies today, friends.

THE END

5 Comments:

At 3/30/2006 12:45 AM, Blogger Prodigy-Maestro said...

HEY!!!!

This blog is hilarious. . .lol. . . have you seen Postman? What do you think about that movie? LMAO

 
At 4/30/2006 1:55 PM, Blogger agentangel said...

i love your blog. 1 question: is it dead or are you going to update it again sometime? i actually used to check it every week. now i miss it. :(

 
At 5/03/2006 1:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I LOVE HEATHERS! LMAO. Christian Slater impersonating Jack Nicholson. You are brilliant. How very.

 
At 5/20/2006 6:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Since patience is not one of my virtues, I wish there was a master index or list of the movies so I wouldn't have to scroll through each month to see what's on there ....

 
At 5/22/2006 10:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love this site, but please consider updating soon! I miss your posts!

 

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