5.27.2006

Event Horizon

Directed by: Paul Anderson (the bad one)
Starring: Dr. Grant, Captain Cool, Random British Guys, Puny Punk, Chicks Who Aren't Hot, and LL Cool J Stand-In
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(Captain Cool and assorted crewmen are in a spaceship...sometime in the future!)

CAPTAIN COOL
We just received a distress call from a place far away where there should not be a distress call.

RANDOM BRITISH GUY
Hmm...sounds like "Alien."

PAUL ANDERSON
No. It doesn't.

DR. GRANT
Hello, all. The distress call is actually coming from a spaceship I designed called the "Event Horizon"...oooh, spooky. It eerily vanished seven years ago and all the crew are presumed dead. Therefore, the distress call is most likely being sent by a ghost or something evil...so this should be fun! Because the ship has mysteriously reappeared all the way over in east bumblefuck, we'll need to use our hypersleep pods during our journey to recover it, exactly like in "Alien."

PAUL ANDERSON
No, not exactly.

(Some indeterminate time later, the crew arrives in East Bumblefuck, which is adjacent to the planet Neptune. The Event Horizon is there. It looks crappy.)

DR. GRANT
Perhaps I should mention that inside that monstrosity I caged up a cute li'l black hole that doesn't follow the laws of physics.

CAPTAIN COOL
All right. Let's investigate.

(They do. The ship, though, turns out to be EVIL and begins killing them.)

LL COOL J STAND-IN
Hot damn! We're dying off one by one, just like in that movie...

PAUL ANDERSON
NO, IT IS NOT JUST LIKE IN THAT MOVIE.

DR. GRANT
Ha-ha-ho-hum! Now I'm crazy for some reason. Watch as I tear out my eyes.
(he does)
Okay, now who wants to go to Hell?

CAPTAIN COOL
Not me.

CHICK WHO ISN'T HOT BUT IS STILL ALIVE
Not me.

LL COOL J STAND-IN
Not me.

PUNY PUNK
Me.
(Everyone looks at him.)
I forgot to mention, I've turned crazy too.

(Crazy shit happens and there are BIG EXPLOSIONS. But some crew manage to escape. The credits begin to roll.)

AUDIENCE
Wait, I'm confused. Did they go to Hell or not? And was it Hell in the religious sense or more of a philisoph-

(Cue ABRUPT BLARING ROCK MUSIC, which drowns out the audience.)

THE END

2 Comments:

At 5/27/2006 2:16 PM, Anonymous Gilmour said...

Glad to see your back to it.

It brightens my day to see a witty somewhat cynical rewrite of all films.
And it's true about the music there, it's like rap for most action movies, for action/sci-fi it's generally loud rock.

Genius.

 
At 5/28/2006 2:36 AM, Anonymous SupremeC said...

Greatness. Keep 'em coming! :D

 

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