6.21.2006

Prince of Darkness

Directed by: John Carpenter
Starring: Loomis, Grad Students Who Can't Act, Alice Cooper, and the Devil*
*Note: The Devil and Alice Cooper are played by separate actors.
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(Loomis and Grad Students Who Can't Act are in Spooky Church.)

LOOMIS
Gather 'round, Grad Students Who Can't Act, and listen to me tale. Many moons ago the ancestors of my ancestors found the Devil, liquidated him, and trapped him in some glowing green ooze.

MICHAELANGELO
Cowabunga!

LOOMIS
No no no, this is Evil Ooze. Behold.
(reveals the Evil Ooze)

GRAD STUDENTS WHO CAN'T ACT
Ooooh, ahhhh.

JOHN CARPENTER
Good God, maybe I should have hired more respectable actors instead of blowing my entire budget on special effects to make the ooze look radioactive.

LOOMIS
Hey, that hurts.

JOHN CARPENTER
Quiet, you, or I won't let you appear in Halloween 4, 5 and 6.

LOOMIS
Yes, Master.

(Time passes. The Devil escapes from the Evil Ooze and begins possessing the grad students. Everyone begins having the same nightmare.)

LOOMIS
Hey, there are some genuinely freaky moments starting to build. We need some moronic and poorly-timed comic relief to break the tension.

THE MENTAL MIDGET GRAD STUDENT KNOWN AS WALTER
You called?

(More grad students become possessed and then die.)

JOHN CARPENTER
This is becoming tedious. Let's get more shots of Alice Cooper.

FIRST ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Sir, Alice Cooper isn't on the payroll.

JOHN CARPENTER
Then what's he doing outside amongst the hoard of extras playing homeless people?

ALICE COOPER
Actually, I'm quite drunk and seem to have forgotten the way back to my hotel room.

JOHN CARPENTER AND FIRST ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
We're not worthy! We're not worthy!

(More time passes. The grad students figure out the way to stop the Devil is to break a mirror.)

LOOMIS
Congratulations. Now those of us who are still alive can go home.

GRAD STUDENT WITH THE PORNSTAR MUSTASCHE
Wait! I don't think we really stopped the Devil for good!

LOOMIS
Son, I'm tired and my paycheck's arrived. Tell it to Alice Cooper.

THE END

3 Comments:

At 6/26/2006 7:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Idiot...

 
At 6/28/2006 12:16 AM, Blogger Paradoxdb3 said...

anonymous...

 
At 7/02/2006 3:05 PM, Blogger Bess said...

Newbie bonehead here who heartily enjoyed this IMDB magic moment circa 2004:
"I think he was kidding. So take a breath and go back to watching Bowling for Columbine."
Thanks Mister Anderson.

 

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