7.06.2006

Van Helsing

Directed by: Steven Sommers
Starring: Van Helsing, Hot Goth Fighter Chick, Rockstar Dracula, Ralph Waldo Frankenstein, and Video Game Graphics
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(Scene: The corner office of a Universal Studios suite, Hollywood circa 2002.)

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
I have this GREAT idea for a new monster movie!

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Okay, shoot.

EXEC 1
Alright. Opening shot of Dr. Frankenstein working in his castle, night. He's trying to bring his Creature to life. Thunder, lightning, that sort of jazz. Then Dracula demands he use more power—

EXEC 2
Wait, I thought this was a Frankenstein movie.

EXEC 1
It is! Okay, so then Dracula sucks the doctor's blood.

EXEC 2
Wow, so Dr. Frankenstein becomes a vampire?

EXEC 1
Huh? No. Alright. Flash forward a few months. Van Helsing, having just narrowly defeated Mr. Hyde—

EXEC 2
Mr. Hyde? And where did this "Van Helsing" come from? Isn't he that old guy from the Dracula novel?

EXEC 1
Well, yeah, but we won't make him old. This can be like the beginning of his career, you know. And he won't have a pussy biblical name like Abraham. No way. His name's Gabriel. Anyway, back to the story. Van Helsing meets up with this goth fighter chick who's all broken up because the Wolfman just killed her brother.

EXEC 2
Is this the same movie?

EXEC 1
Yeah! But her brother's not really dead. See, he was bitten and now he's a warewolf too!

EXEC 2
What's that, the twist ending?

EXEC 1
Ending? No way. We're only fifteen minutes into the film.

EXEC 2
Jesus, what happens for the rest of the movie?

EXEC 1
Three words, my friend: See Gee Eye.

EXEC 2
Hmm.

EXEC 1
So what do you think?

EXEC 2
I have to be honest. Your idea lacks any concept of plot, character development or originality. It's just one more speck in the long line of tired, rehashed Hollywood schemes that favor style over substance. Let's go get it green-lit.

THE END

1 Comments:

At 7/15/2006 8:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

great summary, and so accurate

 

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