10.19.2006

Red Eye

Directed by: Wes Craven
Starring: Chick from "Mean Girls", Scarecrow, and William Stryker
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(At an airport lounge:)

SMOOTH BADGUY (to Nice Hottie)
You're hot. Let me buy you a drink. What's your favorite... cosmopolitan?

NICE HOTTIE
I don't drink pussy drinks. I'll have a Bay Breeze.

(Later, while boarding the plane:)

NICE HOTTIE (to Smooth Badguy)
Hey, we have seats right next to each other. What a coincidence.

SMOOTH BADGUY
Is it?

NICE HOTTIE
What else could it be?

SMOOTH BADGUY
It could be that I have manipulated the passenger log so that we would sit in the same row because I know you are the manager of an upscale Miami hotel which happens to house the Secretary of Homeland Security for the weekend, and I would require you to switch the Secretary's room to a suite overlooking the ocean, so my fellow mates fishing with a rocket launcher can blast his ass to kingdom come. Assuming that you may be a straight-arrow law-abider, I would coerce you to do same by threatening your father with bodily harm. I would have a badguy friend of mine secretly parked outside your Miami abode, who would commence acts of violence against dear old dad in the event you do not follow my instructions.

NICE HOTTIE
Well, yes, I guess it could be that.

SMOOTH BADGUY
Haha, I'm just joking. No, I'm not.

(Smooth Badguy persuades Nice Hottie to make the call to the hotel changing the room, but the airfone's service dies. Nice Hottie then tries to secretly and elaborately signal for help but is stopped at the last second by Smooth Badguy. Repeat four times.)

SMOOTH BADGUY
You're quite a handful...although perhaps I asked for it by choosing to menacingly confront you on a commercial jet packed with a hundred people within a twenty foot radius instead of simply pulling you to a dark corner of the airport and demanding you make the call while still on the ground. This also would have allowed me to brandish a firearm to make my threat more intimidating. Additionally, then I wouldn't have to worry about the real possibility of the call's service being interrupted mid-flight, as has since plagued my present course of action. Oh well, hindsight is 20/20.

(Finally, airfone service returns and Nice Hottie makes the call. Shortly thereafter, the plane lands in Miami.)

SMOOTH BADGUY
Good work, Nice Hottie. Now just behave yourself and everything will be fine. Once I receive word that the Secretary is dead, I will tell my badguy friend waiting outside your house to leave. Don't worry, he won't act to kill your father unless he first receives word from me to do so.

(Nice Hottie stabs Smooth Badguy in the windpipe with a ballpoint pen.)

SMOOTH BADGUY (wheezing)
Perhaps I should've left that last part out.

(About this point, Smooth Badguy turns into Bumbling Badguy and is outsmarted, outmauevered and outskilled at every turn by Nice Hottie and also by a nine-year-old girl. There is a lot of physical comedy with Bumbling Badguy tripping over everything and everyone. Laughs are had. Nice Hottie escapes and calls the hotel to warn the Secretary, saving him in the nick of time. Next, Nice Hottie returns home and saves her father from Other Badguy in the nick of time.)

NICE HOTTIE AND NICE HOTTIE'S DAD
Hooray, we're safe!

BUMBLING BADGUY (shows up, donning an ascot)
Not so fast.

NICE HOTTIE
Don't worry, dad. I'll handle this one.

(Bumbling Badguy turns out to be the worst assassin on the planet as he gets his ass handed to him by Nice Hottie, who beats him up with every household object imaginable. Finally, he gets shot in the chest by Nice Hottie's Dad.)

BUMBLING BADGUY
I suck.
(dies)

WES CRAVEN
See, I can direct suspense thrillers without relying on supernatural monsters! And running barely an hour at that!

FREDDIE KRUEGER (to Wes Craven)
You suck.

THE END

2 Comments:

At 10/23/2006 3:18 PM, Blogger Liz said...

ROFL LMAOL, specially the intervention of Freddie Krueger at the end

 
At 12/26/2006 2:32 AM, Anonymous M.A.D.MikE[ATF] said...

The worst movie ever. Bravo ;)

 

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