11.13.2006

Signs

Directed by: M. Night Shyamalansky (he's a Jew!)
Starring: Mel "It's not a DUI if you're a gentile" Gibson, Joaquin "Who is my real brother" Phoenix, and Cory "Hey at least I'm not Macaulay" Culkin
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(Reverend Mel and family find that mysterious circles have appeared in their crop outside their farmhouse.)

REVEREND MEL
My God...I know who did this.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Space aliens?

REVEREND MEL
The Jews!

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Really?

REVEREND MEL
Clearly you have not been following the scriptures. Revelation 81:99: "And behold, He opened the eighteenth seal and Jewish cropcircles encompassed the land." Now let's all go back inside and finish our daily viewing of The Passion.

KID CULKIN
Wait, I think it really is space aliens! Listen to this makeshift alien radio I created.

(They listen. There is static.)

EVERYONE
Ahhh! Aliens!!!

(Later, Reverend Mel is wandering the neighborhood.)

M. NIGHT SHYAMELESSCAMEO (shows up)
Hey.

REVEREND MEL
Um, shouldn't you be behind the camera?

M. NIGHT
No, I'm in "actor mode" now. I've cast myself in a pivotal role in this film.

REVEREND MEL
Did our budget already run out, or are you just a huge prima donna?

M. NIGHT
Excuse me, William Wallace?

REVEREND MEL
Never mind.

M. NIGHT
Now back to the movie.
(switches to "actor mode")
I know you hate me, Father.

REVEREND MEL
Yes. Yes, I do... Why, are you a Jew?

M. NIGHT
No! I'm the guy who was driving drunk and ran over your wife!

REVEREND MEL
Ah well, shit happens.

(Reverend Mel learns that M. Night trapped an alien in his cupboard. He goes to invesitgate.)

REVEREND MEL (standing outside the cupboard)
Hello? Is anyone there?
(No answer.)
You should be aware that I have called the authorities. They're on their way. With big guns. And the swat team. Also, I phoned Lt. Columbo, Perry Mason and The Equilizer, so you're pretty much screwed.

(The alien gets mad and reaches under the cupboard to grab him. Reverend Mel slices the alien's fingers off.)

REVEREND MEL
Haha! Don't fuck with Jesus!

(Later, the aliens are attacking. Reverend Mel and family have boarded up their house.)

REVEREND MEL (to Joaquin Phoenix)
Quick, brother, into the basement!

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Why am I your brother? You do realize I'm closer in age to Kid Culkin than I am to you.

REVEREND MEL
No time to discuss asinine casting choices, we're under attack!

(The family survives the attack and are able to fend off the aliens. It turns out water kills them.)

KID CULKIN
Funny how the aliens never had a problem wandering through our dew-covered crop. Also, isn't there like a lot of water vapor in the air like all the time?

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Shut up. You're Macaulay Culkin's kid brother. No one will ever take you seriously.

THE END

2 Comments:

At 11/14/2006 1:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funny! Hope to see more of your stuff! MW in Houston.

 
At 11/26/2006 11:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is so funny, considering I just saw this at PostSecret: http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/994/593/400/613287/culkin.jpg

At least someone thinks he's scary. LOL

I love your site, thank you for making me laugh!

Britt

 

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