Silent Hill

Directed by: Christophe Gans
Starring: A bunch of women, one man who acts like a woman, and creatures modeled after figurines from David Lynch's toy collection.
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(Hot Mom is driving a car. Her young daughter is riding shotgun.)

HOT MOM (to Daughter)
Lately you've been having really scary nightmares about this place called Silent Hill. So I figured the best way for you to cope is to take you there myself and throw you in the middle of the town. It's called aversion therapy, and it works! After visiting a slaughterhouse, I haven't touched meat in six years. Your father doesn't count. Wait, yes he does.

(The police pursue Hot Mom, and she puts the pedal to the metal and wrecks her car, losing consciousness in the process. When she comes to, she is in Silent Hill and her daughter is missing. She is approached by a female cop.)

OFFICER CYBIL
License, registration and proof of insurance, please.

HOT MOM
You need proof of insurance?

OFFICER CYBIL
You do have car insurance, right?

HOT MOM
Yes, ma'am, I drive with Safe Auto.

OFFICER CYBIL
Playing it safe, huh? Okay.

HOT MOM
Anyway, my daughter has gone missing. Could you help me locate her, Officer...?

OFFICER CYBIL
Cybil.

HOT MOM
That's an unusual name.

OFFICER CYBIL
Yep. In fact, there're only three of us left: me, that "Moonlighting" chick, and the paranoid schizophrenic Sally Field.

HOT MOM
You mean the paranoid schizophrenic once played by Sally Field.

OFFICER CYBIL
Whatever. Anyway, you're under arrest.

HOT MOM
Huh, why?

OFFICER CYBIL
You have a broken headlight.

HOT MOM
That's because I just crashed my car.

OFFICER CYBIL
Step out of the vehicle please, or I'll taze you like that fat lady on youtube.

(Hot Mom complies. One of David Lynch's prodigal children shows up. Officer Cybil fires but the bullets have little effect. It turns night and the town becomes evil. Some dude with a humungous pyramid head approaches.)

HOT MOM AND OFFICER CYBIL
Ahhhh!! Quick, let's get inside the church!

(They do. Pyramid Head is left alone.)

PYRAMID HEAD
I only wanted a hug. *sniff*

(Inside the church, Sectarians agree to help Hot Mom find her daughter.)

HOT MOM
Thanks. Who says there's no such thing as small town hospitality? Hey, wanna see a picture of her?

(She shows the Sectarians a picture of her daughter.)

HEAD SECTARIAN
Her daughter looks just like that one girl we burned alive years ago! The only solution to this paradox is...burn more people!

(They burn Officer Cybil but Hot Mom escapes. She finds her daughter, who is really not her daughter, but some other lady's daughter, well part of her is some other lady's daughter, she is also evil now, or maybe she was always evil. Anyway, the girl shows up and kills all the Sectarians.)

THE END

PRODUCERS
The end? We don't think so. There's not a man in this entire flick. What were you thinking, Gans?

CHRISTOPHE GANS
Well, I—

PRODUCERS
Silence! The target audience for this movie is boys aged 12-19, and teenage boys certainly are not going to want to stare at women the whole time. Bring in Evil British Guy.

SEAN BEAN (enters)
You called?

PRODUCERS
Can you try to be not so evil and not so British for this flick?

SEAN BEAN
Righteo. I mean...fo'shore.

CHRISTOPHE GANS (to Producers)
But where should I put him in the movie?

PRODUCERS
Just create a superfluous plotline that has no interaction with the main story and ultimately adds nothing to the film. Duh.

CHRISTOPHE GANS
Fine.

PRODUCERS
Next time, Gans, do us a favor and don't think outside the box. Your film reeks of originality, and frankly, it's taking away from our wealth of rehashed horror remakes and sequels. Now go think up a sequel to Silent Hill that incorporates a younger, hotter female lead with big bosoms who once strarred on a prime time soap, preferably "Party of Five" or "7th Heaven." And for God's sake, tone down the blood and guts; we're in the business of making PG-13 movies here.

(Chrisophe Gans becomes yet another disenfranchised Hollywood director.)

THE END