12.29.2006

Havoc

Directed by: The same chick who would direct Shut Up and Sing (no funny comment needed)
Starring: Anne Hathaway and Bijou Phillips as Pampered Rich White Suburban Chicks Who Want To Be Badass Gang Bangers
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(Soccer Moms and their young daughters file into the theater. The film begins.)

SOCCER MOMS
Ah...another movie with that wonderful screen princess, Anne Hathaway. We loved her wholesome performances in the Diaries and Ella Enchanted. We didn't read the write-up on this film, but we're sure it'll be another fun flick for the whole family.

(Anne Hathway takes her top off and starts cursing like a sailor. Soccer Moms immediately shove their daughters out of the theater.)

ANNE HATHAWAY
Fuck the Princess Diaries, and fuck Julie Andrews. I won't let myself be typecast as some goodie two-shoes chick. In fact, I'm having my agent sign me up for that gay cowboy movie; that'll show 'em. Meanwhile, I'll ruin my upright image by doing lots of drugs and engaging in explicit sex acts with gang members.
(She does.)
I'm such a whore.

BIJOU PHILLIPS (very drunk)
I'm a bigger whore. Watch as I screw three gang bangers in a row.
(She begins to do so. But then the guys try to triple team her, and she comes to her senses.)
Stop! Let me up! Get off of me!

(The guys continue to force sex with her until she finally manages to escape.)

BIJOU PHILLIPS (later, to Anne Hathaway:)
I was raped.

ANNE HATHAWAY
No, you weren't. You asked for it.

BIJOU PHILLIPS
But doesn't the fact that I was too drunk to even stand mean that I couldn't give the proper consent? Also, I thought a woman has the right to say "no" at any time.

ANNE HATHAWAY
She does. But then the guy has the right to tell her to shove it.

BIJOU PHILLIPS
I see. Thanks for setting me straight.

(Accused sex offenders across the country applaud Havoc's "interpretation" of California's rape crimes law.)

THE END

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