2.07.2007

King Kong

Directed by: Peter Jackson
Starring: Naomi Watts, Adrian Brody, and Jack Black (who is not King Kong)
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UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
Okay, we're going to do King Kong! And we're going to make it an epic tearjerking blockbuster!

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Excellent! Who's on board?

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
Academy Award Winner for Best Director, Peter Jackson...

UNIVERSAL EXEC 3
Great.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
...Academy Award Winner for Best Actor, Adrian Brody...

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Wonderful.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
...Acadamy Award Nominee for Best Actress, Naomi Watts...

UNIVERSAL EXEC 3
Fantastic!

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
...and Jack Black.

(Silence.)

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
What Acadamy Award did he win?

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
Err...none. But he was nominated for a golden globe.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 3
A golden globe? They're the Buzz Aldrin of film awards!

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Wait...we still might be okay.
(to Exec 1)
I assume you cast him in the comic sidekick part.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
Actually, we decided to give him the leading serious role.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Never mind. We're screwed.

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(They cautiously film the movie, ever mindful of their casting blunder.)

JACK BLACK
I think—

(Suddenly, a bunch of savage natives show up.)

JACK BLACK (breaking "character")
Huh? Where'd they come from?

PRODUCERS
Just go with it.

(The actors fight the savage natives and win.)

JACK BLACK
As I was saying: I think—

(Suddenly, a bunch of velociraptors, T-Rexes and brontosauruses show up.)

JACK BLACK (breaking "character")
Is this Jurassic Park now?

PRODUCERS
Just go with it.

(The actors fight the velociraptors, T-Rexes and brontosauruses and win.)

JACK BLACK
We must keep—

(Suddenly, a bunch of giant bugs show up.)

JACK BLACK (breaking "character")
I'm sensing a pattern here.

PRODUCERS
Just go with it.

(The actors fight the giant bugs and win.)

JACK BLACK (breaking "character")
Can I finally say a line now?

PRODUCERS
No. We have to cut to our main plotline: Jimmy and his Token Black Guy Mentor.
(They do.)

JIMMY
Jeepers creepers, Mr. Black Guy Mentor: why is this book called Heart of Darkness?

TOKEN BLACK GUY MENTOR
Well you see, Jimmy, there's a heart in each of us. A heart of DARKNESS. In some, it's kept well hidden. But the darkness is still there, Jimmy, deep within our hearts. Restless. Trying to escape. And so we press forth in spite of this dark force within us in our feeble attempts to tame the HEART, if you will, of our DARKNESS.

OTHER ACTORS
What the hell? Isn't this movie supposed to be about a giant ape?

PRODUCERS
Oh right. How much time has passed already?

OTHER ACTORS
Like two hours.

PRODUCERS
Hmm. Guess we should bring him out soon then.

(King Kong shows up and falls in love with Naomi Watts. Naomi Watts falls in love with King Kong.)

JACK BLACK
It appears that—

PRODUCERS
Look! King Kong is attacking! No time to speak!

(There is a fight scene. The actors defeat King Kong, rendering him unconscious.)

ACTORS
Hooray!

FORREST GUMP JR.
Let's bring him to New York and put him on Broadway! Maybe we can finally bump out Phantom!

ACTORS
Hooray!

(They follow through with their plan, which goes horribly wrong. King Kong escapes and lays waste to the city.)

STEPHEN SPIELBERG (watching)
Pfft. Way to steal my oh-so-original plotline from The Lost World. Amateurs.

(King Kong is shot and killed, but not before making mental love with Naomi Watts.)

JACK BLACK (standing over the body)
T'was beauty who killed the—

PRODUCERS
Roll credits!

THE END

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