The Abyss: Director's Cut

Directed by: James Cameron
Starring: Rowdy Oil Drillers, Uptight Government Guys and Pussy Aliens
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GOVERNMENT GUY
Ed Harris, you and your team of Rowdy Oil Drillers need to go on a dangerous sci-fi mission for the U.S. government. And no, this isn't Armageddon.

ED HARRIS
That's a small relief.

GOVERNMENT GUY
You must investigate a nonresponsive government submarine that has drifted off-course. Here are a bunch of U.S. Navy Guys to go along with you. They will be led by your ex-wife. Hopefully, that will not present a problem.

ED HARRIS
Nah, good choice.

SOME INCONSEQUENTIAL NAVY GUY
Look what I brought: some liquid breathing apparatus. Lets you breathe at extreme depths.

ROWDY OIL DRILLER
Will we need to use that on this mission?

SOME INCONSEQUENTIAL NAVY GUY
Nah.

ROWDY OIL DRILLER
So why bring it?

SOME INCONSEQUENTIAL NAVY GUY
Just to get the panties of those bastards at PETA in a wad when I appear to drown your pet rat.
(He does.)
Good times.

(Later...)

ED HARRIS
Well, we've located the sub and everyone is dead. Also, my crazy ex-wife says she saw a alien swimming outside.

NAVY GUY MICHAEL BIEHN
That was no alien. It's a commie!

ED HARRIS
She said the alien was glowing.

NAVY GUY MICHAEL BIEHN
Wait'll you see 'em glow after we launch this nuclear warhead!

ED HARRIS
Um, don't do that.

NAVY GUY MICHAEL BIEHN
Too late. The undersea pressure has driven me insane. At least, that's the logic this film has put out there to explain my erratic behavior. Now, buckle up for a nuclear winter!

(Navy Guy Michael Biehn arms the nuke but dies before he can launch it. The nuke drops off several miles into the underwater abyss.)

INCONSEQUENTIAL NAVY GUY
Oops. Well, I guess we should all go back and tell our families we love them before the world ends.

ED HARRIS
Silence! I will save the day!

EVERYONE
*Gasp*

ED HARRIS'S CRAZY EX-WIFE
My hero.

(Ed Harris uses the liquid breathing apparatus and ventures down into the abyss...and down...and down...and......down. Finally, he locates the nuke.)

ED HARRIS (communicating with the sub)
GHSFJASWGQJWH'SJ

ED HARRIS'S CRAZY EX-WIFE
What's that?

INCONSEQUENTIAL NAVY GUY
Ah. I was afraid this might happen. He's gone insane. The world is doomed.

(Insane Ed Harris manages to disarm the nuke. Then he is abducted by underwater aliens and taken to alien prison.)

HEAD ALIEN RALPH NADER (approaches)
Hello, Ed.

ED HARRIS
Ralph Nader?

HEAD ALIEN RALPH NADER
That's right. We've been watching you for some time. And we have to say we're very disappointed with all the nuclear bombs the nations of the world have dropped recently...

ED HARRIS
You mean the two bombs that were dropped on Imperialist Japan almost fifty year ago?

HEAD ALIEN RALPH NADER
...all those nuclear bombs. Tsk-tsk. Now, in order to stop you from wiping out humanity with nuclear weapons, we will wipe out humanity with a mega-tsunami.

ED HARRIS
Really?

HEAD ALIEN RALPH NADER
Nah, we're too pussy. Besides, I have to resurface to run my presidential campaign.

(The aliens bring everyone back to the surface.)

ED HARRIS
Wait...we never decompressed. Shouldn't we be dead?

HEAD ALIEN RALPH NADER
Yes, well, um, we decompressed you when you were in our custody.

ED HARRIS
What about my ex-wife and all the other divers?

HEAD ALIEN RALPH NADER
I sprinkled some pixie dust on them, ok? Now let's all give peace a chance.

THE END