8.22.2007

The Natural

Directed by: Barry Levinson
Starring: The finest fake baseball players this side of the Mississippi
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(Robert Redford stars as Roy Hobbs, a young, up-and-coming baseball star.)

ROY HOBBS
Young? You do realize I'm being played by a 50-year-old catcher's mit, right?

BARRY LEVINSON
Hush...it'll be our little secret.

BARBARA HERSHEY PLAYING A CRAZY LADY (cozying up to Roy Hobbs)
Roy Hobbs, are you the best there ever was and ever will be?

ROY HOBBS
Yes.
(She shoots him.)
I meant, no.

(He falls into a coma. Flash forward sixteen years. Roy Hobbs goes to play for the New York "Knights.")

ROY HOBBS
After spending a decade and a half on the injured list, I'm ready to return to baseball. What'd I miss?

COACH QUAKER OATS GUY
You can't play for me, old fart. Now sit on the bench and watch me spit chaw.

ROY HOBBS
But I can hit real good-like, and your team sucks. Put me in, Coach.

COACH QUAKER OATS GUY
Fella, I don't care how good y'are. You'll do what I tell ya and sit on that thar bench.

ROY HOBBS
But I wanna play ball!

COACH QUAKER OATS GUY
Barring some unforeseen tragedy, the only balls you'll be playin' wit are the gumdrops hidden behind yer pecker.

(Center Fielder Michael Madsen leaps for a fly ball, crashes through the back wall of the stadium, and dies.)

COACH QUAKER OATS GUY (to Roy Hobbs)
Welcome aboard.

(Roy Hobbs plays baseball for the Knights and is good.)

THE JUDGE (from his shadowy skybox)
Hey, I just remembered. I can't yank full ownership of the Knights away from Quaker Oats Guy unless they lose the pennant. Roy Hobbs, throw the rest of the season; I'll make it worth your while.

ROY HOBBS
Sorry, I have high morals.

THE JUDGE
Is that so? In that case, meet my mistress, Kim Basinger.

KIM BASINGER (cozying up to Roy Hobbs)
Hi.

ROY HOBBS
Uh-oh, another woman. You're not going to shoot me in the gut like that crazy lady, are you?

KIM BASINGER
No, I'm just going to sex you up and corrupt you until your game suffers.

ROY HOBBS
That's a relief.

(Roy Hobbs starts to suck. Then he regains his confidence and starts playing better.)

THE JUDGE
Well, we can't have that.

(He poisons him. Roy Hobbs goes to the hospital.)

ROY HOBBS
Hey, Doc, you gotta let me outta here. My team's in the World Series, and they need me to win.

DOCTOR
Baseball? Oh no, I don't think so. See, this poison has acted up your old injury. If you ever play ball again, you'll die.

ROY HOBBS
Can I walk?

DOCTOR
Yes.

ROY HOBBS
Dance?

DOCTOR
Sure.

ROY HOBBS
Have sex?

DOCTOR
Why not.

ROY HOBBS
Swing a bat?

DOCTOR
Sorry.

(Roy Hobbs goes against his doctor's advice, and plays in the World Series. It's his turn in the lineup, and he shatters his lucky bat on a foul ball.)

ROY HOBBS
Well, that's it for me.

(Suddenly, he spots his Old Flame and Love Child in the stands.)

ROY HOBBS
Hey, it's the one lady from my life who isn't evil. I'll do this for her and our bastard son!

(He hits a homerun and the Knights win the pennant.)

THE KNIGHTS
Hooray!

THE JUDGE (from his shadowy skybox)
Curses, foiled again!

ROBERT DUVALL
And everyone lived happily ever after.

AUDIENCE
Robert Duvall?? You're in this movie??

ROBERT DUVALL
Apparently.

THE END

4 Comments:

At 8/24/2007 7:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol, good one :)

 
At 9/05/2007 6:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha, amazing.
And finally, a long awaited new entry! <3

 
At 9/10/2007 8:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

nice to know you're still around
just learnt about that movie yesterday ^^

 
At 11/12/2007 4:47 PM, Blogger OKonheim said...

Make some more movies by the minute. you're fans are getting restless

 

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