Kazaam

Directed by: (deleted out of sympathy for the director)
Starring: Shaq...do you even need to know the rest?
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(Lost Moviegoer wonders into the theatre.)

LOST MOVIEGOER
Excuse me, is this the screen for Jerry Maguire?

PIMPLY-FACED USHER
No, this is the screen for Kazaam, the film starring L.A. Lakers' center Shaquille O'Neill as a wish-granting genie in a magical lamp who befriends a young city boy and—

(Lost Moviegoer leaves the theatre.)

THE END

Mortal Kombat

Starring: Everybody from the first game and like 2 or 3 from the second.
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CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT (to Johnny Cage, Sonya and Liu Kang)
I am the god of thunder and lightening. I have brought you all to this island to fight in a tournament between worlds called mortal kombat. It's mortal men and women fighting for the fate of the universe.

LIU KANG
If it's just mortal men and women, then why are we fighting some beast with four arms and another dude who as far as I can gather is a shapeshifting sorcerer?

CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT
There can be only one.

SONYA
What does that mean?

CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT
Oops, wrong flick. What I meant is, the balance of the realms hinges on your victory.

JOHNNY CAGE
Why do I feel you have no idea what you're talking about?

CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT
Look pal, this is a movie based on a video game. You're lucky we're even attempting a plot. It was either this or I zap electricity from my fingers for 90 minutes.

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(Liu Kang, Sonya and Johnny Cage fight the "mortal" combatants. The mysterious Princess Kitana is watching.)

SHANG TSUNG (to Goro)
That Princess Kitana is up to no good. Keep her far away from all the combatants, especially that Liu Kang guy.

GORO
Done.
(schedules Princess Kitana as Liu Kang's next opponent)
D'oh!

(Princess Kitana helps Liu Kang win all his fights.)

LIU KANG
Now I will fight Shang Tsung.

PRINCESS KITANA
Wait! First let me tell you how to win.

JOHNNY CAGE
I'm about to fight that four-armed freak. Any advice for me?

PRINCESS KITANA
No. Fuck off.

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(Liu Kang faces off against Shang Tsung.)

LIU KANG
Down, Down, Back, Down, High Kick.

(Shang Tsung dies. The ghosts of all the people he killed escape. Liu Kang has a heart to heart with his dead brother.)

CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT
Congratulations, mortals. Shang Tsung is dead and the evil emperor has been disgraced. Your victory has ensured the prosperity of the earth realm. The stars are now aligned for the path of the new chosen one...ah fuck this.
(goes back to filming another Highlander sequel)

THE END

Die Hard

Starring: Bruce Willis, Alan Rickman, Principal Vernon, Carl Winslow and Steve Urkel
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(McClane has arrived at LAX. He goes up to Cool Black Guy, who is holding a sign with his name.)

McCLANE
I'm a pissed off cop from New York. I hate everyone on the west coast. I'm only here because I'm trying to score with my estranged wife. Get all that? Okay, now drive me to this Japanese brothel/office building.

COOL BLACK GUY
Fo'shizzle da nizzle.

(McClane arrives at the skyscraper. He ascends to the 60th floor, where there's a large party going on. In the background many Japanese men screw many prostitues.)

MRS. McCLANE (shows up with Slick Prick)
Hi.

McCLANE
Hi.

SLICK PRICK
Hey goober, wanna do a line of coke with me?

McCLANE
That's so '80s.

SLICK PRICK
Touche.

(Meanwhile, several German terrorists, Genghis Kahn and Steve Urkel have infiltrated the building. They hold all the party guests hostage. McClane is in the whizzer.)

HEAD TERRORIST ALAN RICKMAN
Everyone remain calm. We are only here to conduct an unnecessarily elaborate and expensive burglary. If you do as we say, you will be unharmed.
(to Random Terrorist)
By the way, have you peppered the entire building with C4 yet?

RANDOM TERRORIST
Check.

(Meanwhile, McClane has killed a terrorist and is trying to radio the police.)

McCLANE (over the radio)
Help, you idiots! We're being held hostage! Send police to rescue us!

(In the parking lot, the police arrive to rescue them.)

McCLANE
What are you doing, you morons?! Don't try to rescue us!
(to himself)
I need a distraction to clear the fuzz out of the way. I know! I'll drop some C4 I found down this elevator shaft.

McCLANE'S BRAIN
Uh, hold on a moment... Are you sure it's a good idea to blow up the base of the skyscraper you're presently inside?

McCLANE
Yippee-ki-yay!

(He drops the explosives down the elevator shaft and there is a HUMUNGOUS EXPLOSION, but fortunately the structure of the building remains completely intact.)

LAWS OF PHYSICS (show up)
Sorry, we were in the can. What'd we miss?

(Meanwhile, Officer Carl Winslow is performing the heroic duty of listening to the police radio while sitting on his ass.)

CARL WINSLOW (to McClane over the radio)
And then...when I was twenty-four, I shot a kid during a raid. Oh God, it was horrible! I'll never get over that day as long as I live...

ALAN RICKMAN (over the radio)
Will you please shut the fuck up? I thought we agreed to limit our broadcast time on this channel to five minutes each. It's crowded enough as it is.

HANS AND FRANS (over the radio)
Are you talking to us, boss?

ALAN RICKMAN (over the radio)
No.

PRINCIPAL VERNON (over the radio)
Who said that?

McCLANE (over the radio)
Not me.

(Meanwhile, Slick Prick gets killed, but Reporter Prick shows up to take his place. McClane kills all the terrorists except Alan Rickman. Then he kills Alan Rickman. Then the building BLOWS UP. But McClane and the hostages are SAFE. Then a terrorist COMES BACK TO LIFE, but Carl Winslow SHOOTS him.)

CARL WINSLOW
Hey, now I can kill people without any lingering feelings of sympathy or remorse...I'm cured!

THE END

Speed 2: Cruise Control

Directed by: Jan De Bont
Starring: Sandra Bullock, Willem Dafoe, and Lame White Pretty Boy
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(Sandra Bullock is standing in front of a cruise ship.)

SANDRA BULLOCK
Oooh, I'm about to start a long, romantic, tropical cruise with Keanu Reeves. I can't wait!

LAME WHITE PRETTY BOY
Hi.

SANDRA BULLOCK
Who the hell are you? Where's Keanu?

LAME WHITE PRETTY BOY
He abandoned ship. How about the two of us set sail instead?

SANDRA BULLOCK
Hmm...what's your cabin like?

LAME WHITE PRETTY BOY
Let me tell you something, lady. It's not the size of your cabin that counts; it's the motion in the ocean.

SANDRA BULLOCK
Yeah, I've heard that one before.

(Sandra Bullock and Lame White Pretty Boy board the ship. The vacation goes well until Willem Dafoe appears.)

WILLEM DAFOE
Hoo-hoo-haa-haa!! I'm crazy, get it?!

(Willem DaFoe takes over the ship and most likely steers it in a different direction. Of course, since we're in the middle of the ocean surrounded by water as far as the eye can see, we neither notice nor care.)

PANICKED PASSENGERS
We're going fast! We're out of control!

AUDIENCE (snoring)
Zzzzzzzzzzzz...

(The shore comes into view. The ship is about to careen into a resort town.)

LAME WHITE PRETTY BOY
Quick, drop an anchor or something to stop us.

JAN DE BONT
Forget it, the crash scene stays in. We blew our entire budget on it. Why do you think we've been feeding y'all hot pockets for the past six weeks?

(The ship impacts the dock. Because the ship appears to be moving as slow as molasses to the untrained eye of an audience member, Extremely Annoying Scottish Crewman cries out the present speed every five seconds.)

EXTREMELY ANNOYING SCOTTISH CREWMAN
Four knots!!!!!

LONE DUMBASS IN AUDIENCE
Holy shit! Four knots!!!

(Finally, the ship stalls.)

AUDIENCE MEMBERS STILL AWAKE
Thank God...it's over.

WILLEM DAFOE
Not so fast, I'm still alive. And I'm still CRAZY!!!!
(goes on a joyride on his waverunner)
See, here's where the SPEED part of the movie comes into play!
(blows up)

(Everyone associated with the movie is called into 20th Century Fox's boardroom.)

TRUMP
Okay, who was responsible for this debacle?

JAN DE BONT
I was the project manager, sir, so I should take the blame.

TRUMP
I like your honesty, you can stay. But Lame White Pretty Boy, you got a shot at the big time and you blew it. Opportunity doesn't knock twice, kid, so when it does, you don't walk to answer, you run. But in your case, you were asleep at the helm. Some folks are not cut out for Hollywood, and you're one of them. YOU'RE FIRED.

(Dejected, Lame White Pretty Boy goes on to make even worse films.)

THE END