Cliffhanger

Starring: Bad Guys 1-9, Rocky, Rocky's Friends Past and Present, Bill & Ted, and Serious John Lithgow
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(Bad Guys 1 and 2 are on a U.S. Treasury jet flying above the Rocky Mountains.)

BAD GUY 1
Woohoo, we just hijacked a treasury jet! We're millionaires!

BAD GUY 2
And look, our Bad Guy Partners are flying in the plane next to us. Should we signal them to land, so we can transfer the money safely?

BAD GUY 1
No, let's do a midair exhange between the planes via zip line.

(They attempt to do so. Bad Guy 2 and all the suitcases of money FALL.)

BAD GUY 1
Oops.

(The Bad Guys CRASH their plane into a mountain, but they are OK.)

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(Rocky, Rocky's Friend, Rocky's Chick, and Nice Old Guy are hanging out in a Mountain Ranger Station.)

ROCKY (to his friend)
I've been depressed ever since I dropped your girlfriend off that mountain.

ROCKY'S FRIEND
Good. I hate you.

NICE OLD GUY
Can't we all just get along?

VOICE ON RADIO
Help, save us!

ROCKY'S CHICK
Someone's in trouble...

ROCKY'S FRIEND
You know what that means...

ROCKY
Time for the Mighty Rocky Mountain Rangers!

(Mighty Rocky Mountain Rangers theme song plays. The Rangers get changed into their gear and show up at the crash site.)

SERIOUS JOHN LITHGOW (holding a gun)
Thanks for coming, suckers. We need you to help us Bad Guys find our stolen money we have packed in black Samsonite briefcases.

ROCKY'S FRIEND
Hey, it's John Lithgow! You make me laugh.

SERIOUS JOHN LITHGOW
Fine, but this time I'm serious. In fact the only thing humorous about my performance in this movie is that I am trying to act serious.

ROCKY'S FRIEND
Haha!

SERIOUS JOHN LITHGOW
Shut up, I'm being serious here.

ROCKY'S FRIEND
Heeheehee!

(Serious John Lithgow shoots Nice Old Man.)

ROCKY'S FRIEND
I'll be quiet.

SERIOUS JOHN LITHGOW
Okay, which one of you is going to climb this mountain and find our money?

ROCKY
Uh, I'll do it.

BAD GUY 3
Mmm...I was hoping you'd say that. First, take off your jacket.

ROCKY
Huh, why?

BAD GUY 3
Ooooh, cause you've got big strong arms...oh baby, you so bad!

(Rocky goes to find the money, but he really is TRICKING THEM. Serious John Lithgow yells and raises a clenched fist to show he is serious. Meanwhile Rocky's Friend stays with the bad guys and ends up killing them all one by one, including British Football coughsoccercough Bad Guy. Bill & Ted also show up and they die too.)

SERIOUS JOHN LITHGOW (in a helicopter)
What am I supposed to be doing again...? Oh, that's right, getting the money. So, did you find it yet?

ROCKY
Yeah, here it is.

SERIOUS JOHN LITHGOW
Okay, toss it here. Just, um, be careful you don't drop it or anything cause that would be a bitch to find, and frankly we don't have another two hours to kill.

(Rocky tosses the suitcase in the helicopter's blades and the money gets all chopped up into confetti. Serious John Lithgow dies and Rocky and Rocky's Friend become friends again. Also, Rocky screws the girl.)

ROCKY
Grunt.

THE END

Cast Away

Directed by: Robert Zemeckis
Starring: Tom Hanks as FedEx Nazi, Helen Hunt as Grieving Slutty Girlfriend, Christopher Noth as Mr. Big, DMD, and Wilson the Talking Volleyball as Himself.
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(Tom Hanks addresses his FedEx employees with a "motivational" speech.)

TOM HANKS

All right, assholes. How long did it take you to deliver that package to Beijing?

ASSHOLE ONE
Uh, 22 hours.

TOM HANKS
22 hours?! What the fuck?! I could chicken dance to China faster than that! Get out of my sight! *Sigh.* Does no one understand me?

HELEN HUNT
I understand you.

TOM HANKS
We're in love. Here's a ring.

HELEN HUNT
Here's a locket.

TOM HANKS
I have to fly through a hurricane now.

HELEN HUNT
Okay.

(Tom Hanks rides in a FedEx plane, which crashes in the ocean after encountering the hurricane.)

TOM HANKS (bobbing in the water)
Gulp. Gulp. Choke. Slurp.
(makes it to shore)
Finally, back to civilization!
(realizes he's on a deserted island)
Aw, crap.

(He sits around for awhile.)

TOM HANKS
I'm hungry. I'll eat a coconut. First to get my knife...oh wait, that's right, I don't have one. No problem, I'll just build a fire and melt the coconut into a mushy broth. Where'd I put my matches? Oh that's right, I'm stranded on a deserted island without any possessions.

ROBERT ZEMECKIS
See, everybody! This scene demonstrates that adjusting to life outside our commercialized, automated world is hard.

(The tide pulls some FedEx boxes salvaged from the wrecked plane to shore. Tom Hanks opens one and discovers...)

WILSON THE TALKING VOLLEYBALL
Hello, old sport. Let's say you and I be chums.

TOM HANKS
Sure.

(Tom Hanks and Wilson the Talking Volleyball frolic and play together. They become the best of friends. But then one day Tom Hanks gets sad.)

TOM HANKS
I miss my sensible yet slutty girlfriend. But I'm stuck here with a boat that won't sail. I wish there was another way I could get off this island. If only there was an active volcano nearby...

WILSON THE TALKING VOLLEYBALL
Why don't you try putting a sail on your boat?

TOM HANKS
Sail on my boat? Sail...boat. Sailboat! Of course. Wilson, you're a genius!

WILSON THE TALKING VOLLEYBALL (puffing on his pipe)
Just trying to earn my keep, old sport.

(Now realizing that boats need power to move, Tom Hanks attaches a makeshift sail to his boat.)

TOM HANKS
All aboard!

(Tom Hanks and Wilson the Talking Volleyball sail the Pacific. But with no food and water, they soon become crazy. Tom Hanks begins singing an endless barrage of sea chanties. Wilson the Talking Volleyball, unable to cope, commits suicide by jumping overboard.)

TOM HANKS
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

(Five minutes later...)

TOM HANKS
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

(Ten minutes later he is rescued by a passing tanker. They take him back to civilization, where Tom Hanks delivers the only salvageable package from the plane crash. FexEx names him Employee of the Month.)

FEDEX PRESIDENT
Congratulations. Here's a gift certificate to Bath & Body Works. *Cough*youreallyneedashower*cough*

TOM HANKS
Not so fast. See that plane crashed on company time, so technically I've been on the clock ever since. Now it took me four years working nonstop to deliver that package. According to my calculations, you owe me $6,831,000.02 in overtime.

(Tom Hanks is fired.)

TOM HANKS
Oh well, at least I still have my girlfriend.

MR. BIG
Haha, nope. I stole her from you.

TOM HANKS
Well, I'll just win her back.

MR. BIG
I'm Mr. Big. You can't win.

(He's right.)

HELEN HUNT (to Tom Hanks)
I still love you, but you're out and Big's in. Too bad your plane had to crash. Otherwise you and I would be doing the horizontal tango every night, sometimes twice.

(Tom Hanks becomes depressed and insane, joining the ranks of all other former mail carriers.)

ROBERT ZEMECKIS
Okay everyone, what lesson did this movie teach us?

AUDIENCE
Always ship UPS.

THE END

War of the Worlds

Directed by: Steven Spielberg

Starring: A "heterosexual" Tom Cruise, the aliens from Independence Day, and scenes from other sci-fi movies.
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(Before the premier, Tom Cruise speaks to reporters.)

TOM CRUISE
Lately there’s been some speculation as to my, eh, sexual alignment. Let me state it plainly: all rumors that I live an alternative lifestyle are false. As a testament to this, allow me to introduce you to my new wife, the sizzling hot actress Katie Holmes. Additionally, in tonight’s movie I'll be playing a burly construction worker who scratches his balls a lot.

REPORTER
Wasn’t one of the Village People a construction worker?

TOM CRUISE
This press conference is over!

(The movie begins.)

TOM CRUISE
Hey, that was some weird lightening storm that just happened, eh kids?

PUNK SON
I hate you.

DAKOTA FANNING
Eeeeeeeeeeee!!

TOM CRUISE
I’m going to see what’s going on.

(He follows the rest of the neighborhood down the street. They arrive at a hole. Suddenly, the ground shakes and a huge alien ship on stilts emerges. The neighborhood watches in awe. The alien ship on stilts passes gas and defecates on the street.)

AUDIENCE
Was that really necessary?

(Suddenly, the alien ship starts shooting lasers that turn people into Cinnamon Toast Crunch.)

TOM CRUISE (runs home)
Kids, we gotta jet!

(They all hop into the car. Tom Cruise starts to back out of the driveway.)

TOM CRUISE
How’s your side look, son?

PUNK SON
It's clear.

TOM CRUISE
What about your way, Dakota?

DAKOTA FANNING
Eeeeeeeeeeee!!

(Tom Cruise begins to drive down the street.)

TOM CRUISE
It’s Boston or bust, so every other car better get outta my way!

PUNK SON
Looks like they already did, Dad.

TOM CRUISE
How convenient.

(Tom Cruise and kids tour the countryside, surviving an unruly mob, a ferry disaster, and a plane crash.)

PUNK SON
These aliens piss me off. I’m gonna join the army.

TOM CRUISE
You can’t do that.

PUNK SON
Watch me.

(He joins the army. Five seconds later the army gets blown up.)

TOM CRUISE
Damn… I hope I qualify for his veterans benefits.

(An alien foghorn is heard in the distance.)

ANDY DUFRESNE
Here, you can hide out in my cellar.

(They do.)

TOM CRUISE
Now what are we going to do?

ANDY DUFRESNE
Nothing. The aliens are destined to lose. Occupations always fail…except Japan and Germany after WWII.

(An alien anaconda slinks into the cellar.)

DAKOTA FANNING
Eeeeeeeeeeee!!

(They all hide. Cut to the kitchen scene from Jurassic Park. The alien anaconda leaves and the aliens from Independence Day show up.)

ANDY DUFRESNE
My God…look at that bad CGI.

TOM CRUISE
You’re too loud.
(kills him)

(The aliens leave. Cut to the rest of Independence Day: Tom Cruise penetrates the alien ship, blows it up from inside, and the aliens all catch a virus and die.)

AUDIENCE
Wow, Steven Spielberg surprised me. He actually had the guts to kill the son.

(Punk Son shows up.)

AUDIENCE
Never mind.

(End credits.)

SMART AUDIENCE GUY
Wait, wait, wait…I’m confused. When did the aliens bury those big ships beneath the ground?

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Uh, it was before mankind had evolved.

SMART AUDIENCE GUY
So why didn’t the aliens take over the world then?

(Silence.)

H.G. WELLS (shows up)
Hey.

TOM CRUISE
H.G. Wells! What are you doing here?

H.G. WELLS
Well, I’ve been rolling around in my grave for the past two hours but no one was paying attention, so I thought I’d come up here and smack you all in person.

THE END

Chicago

Starring: Bridget Jones, Richard Gere, Queen Latifah, and Catherine Zeta Jones looking sexy
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(We see Bridget Jones shoot her boyfriend. Then she begins to sing and dance.)

GUYS IN AUDIENCE
What the hell?

QUEEN LATIFAH
I'm big, black and bad.

(Richard Gere shows up, "singing".)

RICHARD GERE
"I don't care about expensive things..."

(Immediately half the audience gets up to leave.)

LONE AUDIENCE MEMBER STILL SITTING
Wait, look! It’s Catherine Zeta Jones in black leather!

(The audience returns to their seats. Some more songs are performed. More importantly, Catherine Zeta Jones remains clad in black leather.)

FEMINISTS IN AUDIENCE
That movie rocked.

GUYS IN AUDIENCE (fantasizing about Catherine Zeta Jones)
Oh yeah.

(Three months later, the Academy Judges meet in an undisclosed location.)

ACADEMY JUDGE 1
Let’s see…last year we placated the African American lobby and Schizophrenics of America. Which group should we appease this year?

ACADEMY JUDGE 2
How about the Militant Feminists?

OTHER ACADAMY JUDGES
Works for us.

(Chicago wins Best Picture for 2002.)

THE END

Deep Blue Sea

Starring: Stock Characters, Smart Sharks, and Samuel L. Jackson
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(Stock Characters are chilling in an undersea laboratory/aquarium thingie.)

STOCK SEXY FEMALE SCIENTIST
Look at these sharks we’ve been experimenting with. They’re all smart now.

STOCK FOREIGN GUY WHO DIES EARLY ON
Cool.
(A shark bites his arm off.)
Ahhhhhhh!!!

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
Quick, airlift him outta here.

STOCK NERDY NERVOUS GUY
But…there’s a hurricane going on up there!

(They airlift him anyway. The helicopter crashes and Smart Sharks fling him through the underwater laboratory’s window.)

STOCK FEMALE WHO’S NOT AS HOT AS THE OTHER FEMALE
Oh no, the laboratory’s integrity has been breached! The sharks will be here soon!

STOCK FUNNY BLACK GUY
Why are them sharks actin’ all pissed, yo?

STOCK SEXY FEMALE SCIENTIST
Perhaps it’s because we’ve been forcing them to watch Richard Simmons's “Sweating with the Oldies: Vol. 3” on endless loop.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Don’t worry, I know a way out!

STOCK CHARACTERS
Samuel L. Jackson??!!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
That’s right. I’m here to save the day. Now listen very carefully: all you have to do is—
(gets eaten by a shark)

STOCK NERDY NERVOUS GUY
That’s it?? He was only on screen for ten seconds!

STOCK FEMALE WHO’S NOT AS HOT AS THE OTHER FEMALE
What’s even more amazing is that for those ten seconds he was paid three times the rest of our saleries combined.

(The sharks swim closer.)

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
Okay, enough. Let’s figure out who’s going to live and who’s going to die. Nervous Guy and Not As Hot Female, you’re definitely going to die.

(They both get eaten by sharks.)

STOCK SEXY FEMALE SCIENTIST
What about me?

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
Hmm…that’s a tough one. On one hand, you’re extremely hot—so you should live. On the other, you’re the reason we’re all in this jam. Plus, you and I don’t seem to have much chemistry. So you’ll probably die too.

(She gets eaten by sharks.)

STOCK FUNNY BLACK GUY
What ‘bout me?

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
Are you kidding? The funny black guy never dies. You’re as certain to survive as I am.

(He’s right. Also, they kill the Smart Sharks.)

STOCK FUNNY BLACK GUY
Okay, now what?

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
You’re really new to this stock action movie gig, aren’t ya? We just hold on to this floating debris until the camera pans away.

STOCK FUNNY BLACK GUY
That’s it?

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
No, also say a funny final line.

STOCK FUNNY BLACK GUY
How about, "I read a review that said this movie was scarier than Jaws."

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
That’s more disturbing than funny.

THE END