American Pie

Starring: Sex-crazed teenage duds pursuing girls way out of their league
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JASON BIGGS
I'm horny.

ALYSON HANNIGAN
I'm horny.

CHRIS KLEIN
I'm horny.

NATASHA LYONNE
I'm horny.

FINCH
I'm horny.

SHANNON ELIZABETH
I'm horny.

STIFLER
I'm horny.

STIFLER'S MOM
I'm horny.

APPLE PIE
I'm horny.

(Most of the cast ends up screwing each other. The rest pitifully attempt to rationalize their lack of play.)

EVERYONE
We're happy we all understand each other now.

"USED" APPLE PIE
Yet I can't help but feel a bit violated...

THE END

Quiz Show

Directed by: Robert Redford
Starring: A Jewish Ken Jennings, Ted Turner, Chuck Woolery, New England Lawyah, Swarmy TV Execs, Overshadowed Son, and Smart Dad
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TED TURNER
How'd we do this week?

INTERN
Everything's up, sir...except for Quiz Show, whose ratings have dropped faster than Janet Reno's testicles.

TED TURNER
What?! Who's our reigning champion?

INTERN
A Jewish Ken Jennings.

TED TURNER
Sweet Christ... Call in Swarmy TV Execs, stat!

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SWARMY TV EXEC ONE
Jewish Ken, you know how we've given you the answers to the quiz show week after week and you've made like thousands of dollars? Well, now we need you to take a dive.

JEWISH KEN JENNINGS
Forget it. The audience loves me.

SWARMY TV EXEC TWO
Actually, they hate you. Besides, if you want a future in television, you'll take a dive.

JEWISH KEN JENNINGS
All right.

SWARMY TV EXEC TWO
Sucker.

(Jewish Ken Jennings takes a dive. Now Overshadowed Son is the champion.)

SWARMY TV EXEC ONE
Congratulations, Overshadowed Son! You obviously have an incredible intellect. Now, here are all the answers for next week's show.

OVERSHADOWED SON
What? I don't want the answers. I want to play fair and square.

SWAMY TV EXEC TWO
C'mon.

OVERSHADOWED SON
Ok.

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NEW ENGLAND LAWYAH
The quiz show is rigged and I can prove it.

SWARMY TV EXECS
*Yawn*

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NEW ENGLAND LAWYAH
The quiz show is rigged and I can prove it.

TED TURNER
*Yawn*

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NEW ENGLAND LAWYAH
The quiz show is rigged and I can prove it.

JEWISH KEN JENNINGS
I know, I'm the one who told you.

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NEW ENGLAND LAWYAH
The quiz show is rigged and I can prove it.

OVERSHADOWED SON
DEAR GOD—How did you find out??!! Uh...I mean, coffee?

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OVERSHADOWED SON
The grand jury investigating the quiz show scandal wants me to testify. Should I do it?

TED TURNER
No.

NEW ENGLAND LAWYAH
Yes.

SWARMY TV EXECS
No.

JEWISH KEN JENNINGS
Yes.

CHUCK WOOLERY
No.

SMART DAD
Yes.

OVERSHADOWED SON
Really, Dad, you think I should?

SMART DAD
Of course. You have nothing to hide.

OVERSHADOWED SON
Actually, I've been systematically cheating from the very beginning.

SMART DAD
Well, fuck you then.

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(Overshadowed Son testifies publicly about the quiz show scandal.)

NEW ENGLAND LAWYAH
Good. Now evehything is right again.

OVERSHADOWED SON AND SWARMY TV EXECS
Except we lost our jobs.

SMART DAD
And I lost respect for my son.

JEWISH KEN JENNINGS
And I lost my annoying Jewish caricature.

TED TURNER
And I just got richer! Hahahah!

AUDIENCE
Wait a minute...this isn't a happy ending at all.

TED TURNER
That's right. I hope you all realize the moral of this story: TV is evil. ...except for TBS and TNT—they're some good shit.

THE END

Wild Things

Starring: Denise Richards and Neve Campbell as Hot 20-Something High School Sluts, Matt Dillon as Hot Teacher, Kevin Bacon as Officer Weiner, and Bill Murray as Bit Part He Had To Take Cause He Lost A Bet
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DENISE RICHARDS
Have sex with me.

MATT DILLON
Okay.

(They do it.)

DENISE RICHARDS
You raped me.

MATT DILLON
No, I didn't.

NEVE CAMPBELL
Yeah, uh, you raped me too.

OFFICER KEVIN BACON
You're in big trouble, pretty boy.

NEVE CAMPBELL
Wait, I was lying.

OFFICER KEVIN BACON
Matt Dillon, you're a free man.
(leaves)

MATT DILLON
Hahaha, I was really "in on it" the whole time. We tricked everybody, girls, and now we're rich for some reason.

(There is a threesome scene between Matt Dillon, Denise Richards and Neve Campbell. It is HOT. Then it ends.)

MALE AUDIENCE
Excuse me, projectionist? Something went wrong. It skipped the part where Neve Campbell takes her top off.

PROJECTIONIST
Sorry, Neve has a no-nudity clause in her contract.

(Neve Campbell's stock immediately drops to post-1997 Alicia Silverstone levels.)

OFFICER KEVIN BACON
Hey, y'all want more nudity? Here's my wang.

(Kevin Bacon's stock climbs dramatically amongst Manhattan Drag Queens.)

OFFICER KEVIN BACON
By the way, I was also "in on it".

(Every other character turns out to have been "in on it" too. Then everyone except Neve Campbell dies.)

NEVE CAMPBELL
I wonder if I'd have better success in my career if I stay a blonde.

ALICIA SILVERSTONE
Hah...right.

THE END

Alien

Directed by: Ridley Scott
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(Scene: The Nostromo spacecraft. A distress call wakes the crew from their hypersleep.)

DALLAS
Hey, everybody. Looks like someone's in trouble on Spooky Planet. Let's go!

BRETT
How the hell are we gonna help? We're a bunch of space miners.

ASH
I think it's very important that we land on Spooky Planet. VERY important.

BRETT
Well, that convinced me. Let's go.

(They land on Spooky Planet. Kane leaves the ship to investigate and returns with a mutated starfish attached to his face. Ripley lies Kane down in the medical ward while the Nostromo takes off again.)

RIPLEY
Let's cut this thing off him.

DALLAS
Can't. It bleeds acid.

PARKER
Let's dump some baking soda on it.

LAMBERT
What good will that do?

PARKER
Might look cool.

(The crew becomes bored and leaves Kane alone. Later, Ripley wonders by the ward.)

RIPLEY
Hey, look at Kane. That thing's gone now.

KANE (wakes up)
Boy, nothing like frenching a mutant starfish for three hours to give a guy an appetite. What's for dinner?

(They all sit down to a heaping portion of spaghetti.)

BRETT
Great to have you back, Kane.

(Suddenly, an alien bursts out of Kane's stomach and dashes out of the room.)

DALLAS
This tastes bland as shit. Pass the tabasco sauce.

RIPLEY
Dallas, Kane's stomach just exploded.

DALLAS
Really? In that case, forget the tabasco.

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(The alien has killed Brett.)

DALLAS
Hmm...this thing might be dangerous. Let me crawl into the Super Scary Claustrophobic Air Ducts and see if I can get a better look at it.

(He does and dies.)

RIPLEY
Let's kill the alien.

ASH
No, let's befriend it.

RIPLEY
Ash...you appear to be bleeding milk.

(Ash goes crazy and attacks Ripley, but Parker kicks his ass. Turns out Ash is an android that was sent to kidnap the alien.)

ASH
And I would've gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for you nosy kids!

(Parker blowtorches him.)

LAMBERT
Now what?

RIPLEY
I think we should blow up the ship and ditch in the Super Cramped Experimental Escape Shuttle. I'll go get the ship's cat. You two go down the Super Scary Pitch Black Passageway.

(They do and are killed by the alien.)

RIPLEY
Oops. Oh well, it's for the best. We only have two hypersleep pods anyway, and one's reserved for the cat.

(Ripley jettisons the ship in the escape shuttle. The Nostromo blows up.)

RIPLEY
I just exploded an eighty trillion dollar spacecraft in order to kill some two-bit alien. God, life is good!

(The alien shows up.)

RIPLEY
Oh, eff this.
(begins undressing in order to put on her space suit)

ALIEN (drooling)
You're such a tease. Do I make you horny, baby?

RIPLEY
Huh?

ALIEN
Just setting up the sexual tension between us, so it will make sense when we "do it" in the sequel.

RIDLEY SCOTT
You're joking.

JEAN-PIERRE JEUNET
No.

RIDLEY SCOTT
See ya.
(takes off and never looks back)

THE END

Passenger 57

Starring: Wesley Snipes, British terrorists and country yokels
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(Scene: Warner Bros. Executive Headquarters. April, 1991.)

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
All right, people. This company is in dire need of a blockbuster action flick. Think "Die Hard", but bigger and more outrageous.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE TWO
How about a "Die Hard" clone set in the air? You know, we can have terrorists take over an airplane.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
Brilliant! And with an original twist.

WARNER BROS. LACKEY
Sorry to interrupt...but didn't a sequel to "Die Hard" about terrorists taking over airplanes come out like last year?

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
Get the fuck out of my office.

(Warner Bros. Lackey is escorted from the building.)

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
Now, where were we?

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE TWO
The film should be realistic. For instance, we'll have the terrorists be Brits.

WARNER BROS. EXEC THREE
Why would Brits hijack an American airliner?

WARNER BROS. EXEC TWO
They could still be pissed off about losing the Revolution.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
Love it!

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE THREE
But a full-length film taking place solely on an airplane might get a bit tedious, especially if we're not planning to add details like plot and character development.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
Hmm...this may be true.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE TWO
I got it! We'll have the plane land for a few minutes so the terrorists can hop over to a nearby amusement park for some carnival antics before they take off again.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE FOUR
That'll help the movie relate to the average viewer. Flight holdovers are common to Joe 6-pack.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
Who should the hero be?

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE TWO
How about a ruthless city cop with a grudge against international terrorists?

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
Hmm, sounds like John McClane.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE TWO
But...we'll make him black.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE

Yes!

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE THREE
We can get Wesley Snipes.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE TWO
And we can throw in a gag where he's mistaken for Arsenio Hall.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE FOUR
Does Wesley Snipes look like Arsenio Hall?

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE TWO
I don't know. But they're both black!

(They make the movie.)

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
Well, that flopped. What the hell went wrong?

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE TWO

We broke the cardinal rule of filmmaking. Too much exposition; not enough black jokes.

THE END