1.02.2007

Mindhunters

Directed by: Renny "I ruined The Exorcist" Harlin
Starring: A bunch of people who die and LL Cool J
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VAL KILMER (to his trainees)
You call yourselves criminal profilers? You suck! You're not fit for the FDA, much less the FBI. I'm sending you to Abandoned Island, where you'll have to solve a mock murder while simultaneously being cut off from all human contact, just like in real life.

CHRISTIAN SLATER
Is that really how the job works in real life?

VAL KILMER
Err...I have to make a call or something.
(runs off)

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JONNY LEE MILLER (to the other trainees)
Boy, am I happy we all made it safely to Abandoned Island!

LL COOL J
Me too.

THE OTHERS
Whaa—?? Who are you?

LL COOL J
I work for the government. They sent me here to observe your progress.

KATHRYN MORRIS
Funny, you don't look like a government agent.

(LL Cool J puts on his sunglasses.)

KATHRYN MORRIS
I stand corrected.

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(The trainees come across a woman's body hanging in a store. Christian Slater touches something. This triggers a meticulously plotted chain reaction involving three thousand intricately positioned dominos, eighty specially sized ball-bearings and a giant Erector set, which ultimately succeeds in tipping over a small metal drum.)

CHRISTIAN SLATER
Big whoop.

(The drum contains liquid nitrogen.)

CHRISTIAN SLATER
Oh shit.

(The drum explodes and Christian Slater is blasted with liquid nitrogen, instantly freezes and then breaks apart into small pieces.)

CHRISTIAN SLATER (to Renny Harlin)
Whoa, whoa, whoa...you're telling me that I'm the first to die in this flick? What about these other posers?

CHRISTIAN SLATER'S AGENT (finally finishes reading the script)
Trust me, it's a gift from the gods.

(He escorts an unhappy Christian Slater off the set)

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(The trainees begin to die one by one. The time of each death is foretold by a small clock found near the previous victim's body.)

JONNY LEE MILLER
Okay, so as best as we can tell, there is a real killer on this island. Now, we searched the entire island and didn't find anyone, and it is not feasible that the killer is capable of changing hiding spots to thwart our searching efforts. Therefore, I conclude that the killer must be one of us.

KATHRYN MORRIS
I suspect Hispanic Sandra Bullock!

HISPANIC SANDRA BULLOCK
Fuck you, puta.

JONNY LEE MILLER
I suspect LL Cool J!

OTHER TRAINEES
Yeah, you're right, nice going, etc.

LL COOL J
Always gotta lay the blame on the black man, huh? Well, too bad cause I'm not the killer.

(He's right. This is proved by way of an elaborate and physically draining action sequence in which LL Cool J saves Crippled Trainee's life.)

CRIPPLED TRAINEE
Yay, LL Cool J saved my life!
(dies twenty minutes later)

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KATHRYN MORRIS
Okay, now all of us are dead except Jonny, LL and myself. Therefore, one of us must be the killer!

(There is much silent tension.)

ZOMBIFIED AUDIENCE
We give up.

(LL Cool J starts acting like the killer, so Jonny Lee Miller and Kathryn Morris beat him up and knock him out.)

JONNY LEE MILLER
Hooray, we caught the killer!

KATHRYN MORRIS
Not so fast. See, in my spare time, I set the wall clock back fifteen minutes and then painted its face with a li'l radioactive dye concoction. This dye should have stuck to the killer's hands when he subsequently reset the clock back to the correct time. We now can check who the real killer is by examining everyone's palms under this blacklight that I have in my hands right now for some reason.

(They do the test, which reveals Jonny Lee Miller is the killer.)

JONNY LEE MILLER
Muhahahahaha!!

KATHRYN MORRIS
When did you do it?

JONNY LEE MILLER
When you all were knocked out from the drugged coffee. Now do you want to know why I did it?

KATHRYN MORRIS
No, I still want to know when you did it. You're telling me that, in the span of a few hours, you (1) sawed off the head of Foreign Trainee; (2) drained all the blood from his body; (3) cleaned up; (4) used the blood to write a few thousand specific numbers on a wall; (5) tortured Val Kilmer and hung him from puppet strings in some warehouse on the other side of the island; (6) rigged the lights to malfunction and the water pipes to burst; (7) opened up every cigarette vending machine on the island and inserted into each a pack of smokes specially coated beforehand in an acid that does not harm paper but eats people alive; and (8) somehow set every said vending machine to dispense the deadly smokes at a precise time of your choosing.

JONNY LEE MILLER
Well, when you put it like that, of course it sounds dumb.

KATHRYN MORRIS
And what was with the dominos?

JONNY LEE MILLER
I really have no life.

(Jonny Lee Miller chases Kathryn Morris around the island until she is cornered. But LL Cool J shows up and saves her at the last second.)

LL COOL J
C'mon, was there any doubt?

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(Several months later. Christian Slater has just finished watching Mindhunters on pay-per-view.)

CHRISTIAN SLATER (to his agent)
Wow... Now I understand why I pay you the big bucks. But where were you when I signed on for Alone in the Dark??

THE END

3 Comments:

At 11/11/2007 3:33 AM, Anonymous Kai said...

GREEEEEEEAT :), i needed this, it brightened my day. (even though i really liked mindhunters... strange, huh?)

 
At 3/08/2008 10:40 PM, Blogger Devans00 said...

Nicely done, very accurate.

 
At 7/15/2008 2:52 PM, Blogger saTrisha said...

Lol....hilarious man :)

 

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