The Prestige

Directed by: Christopher Nolan
Starring: A bunch of magicians and David Bowie
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WOLVERINE THE GREAT
Help me tie up my wife during the magic show so we can dunk her in this water tank and let her escape. But don't tie her knots too tight.

THE MAGNIFICENT BRUCE WAYNE
Okay.
(ties her knots too tight and she drowns)
Oops.

WOLVERINE THE GREAT
Now I hate you and will devote my life to ruining your magic tricks.

THE MAGNIFICENT BRUCE WAYNE
Yeah? Well, I hate you and will devote my life to fucking with your head.

THE OLD MICHAEL CAINE
Also, I figure into this plot somehow.

(The Magnificent Bruce Wayne creates a nifty magic trick in which he appears to teleport across the stage.)

WOLVERNINE THE GREAT
I must know how he does it. David Bowie, help me!

DAVID BOWIE
I'll help you, but understand that your obsession will only lead to your own doom.

WOLVERNINE THE GREAT
Blah, blah, blah. Just help me teleport shit.

(David Bowie builds him a cloning machine, allowing anyone who uses it to make perfect duplicates of himself. Wolverine the Great incorporates it into his act, making himself appear to teleport across the auditorium.)

WOLVERINE THE GREAT
Cool...but it might look a tad suspicious if I start walking around town with all these duplicates. Should I donate their bodies to science? Nah, I'll just drown 'em.

(He drowns one duplicate in a tank but is discovered by The Magnificent Bruce Wayne, who is then charged with Wolverine the Great's murder.)

THE MAGNIFICENT BRUCE WAYNE
Woe is me.
(gets hung)

WOLVERINE THE GREAT (the one still alive)
It looks like everything is wrapped up into a nice little package.

THE MAGNIFICENT BRUCE WAYNE (shows up)
Hi.
(shoots him)

WOLVERINE THE GREAT (dying)
Huh?! Aren't you dead?

THE MAGNIFICENT BRUCE WAYNE
No, that was my twin brother. See how the plot now makes sense?

AUDIENCE
Not really. How did that cloning machine work?

(Silence.)

SCARLETT JOHANNSON
Don't forget, I played a pivotal role in this film!

AUDIENCE (five minutes after the movie ends)
Too late.

THE END

The Wizard

Directed by: Todd Holland
Starring: Kevin Arnold, Autistic Bro, Wannabe Tough Chick, and LUCAS (he's so baaad)
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(By 1989, the Nintendo Company, Ltd. had reached great success with its Nintendo Entertainment System, popularizing domestic video game electronics once again. At the same time, however, the relevant market had plateaued. Nintendo needed new and innovative products to grab the consumers' attention and pocketbooks. Enter the Power Glove, the Power Pad and R.O.B. the Robot, the crappiest video game perephrials in the history of consumer electronics. So crappy, in fact, that the company needed far longer than a thirty second TV spot to infuse them into the gaming public. It was in this climate that The Wizard was born.)

AUTISTIC BRO
California...

KEVIN ARNOLD
What about it?

AUTISTIC BRO
California...

KEVIN ARNOLD
Cowabunga.

AUTISTIC BRO
California...

KEVIN ARNOLD
God—if I take you to California, will you please shut up?

(They travel to California. Along the way they meet up with Wannabe Tough Chick.)

WANNABE TOUGH CHICK
Look how street smart I am. All my friends are smelly truckers.

KEVIN ARNOLD
Glad to meet you. I'm that dork from The Wonder Years, and this is my retarded brother.

WANNABE TOUGH CHICK
But he's good at video games. That means he's a genius.

SHADOWY NINTENDO AGENTS
Enough character development. More Nintendo products.

(They show Autistic Bro playing many different Nintendo games. He decides to enter a video game tournament.)

LUCAS (shows up)
Not so fast, pussy. First you gotta show me your skills.

(Lucas whips out a sweaty, gray, synthetic hand puppet called the Power Glove and begins playing Nintendo games with it. He schools all their asses. Dramatic close-up shot of Lucas's solemn face.)



LUCAS
I love the Power Glove...it's so bad.

FILM HISTORIANS
And with that, the single greatest line in video game movie history was uttered.

(Autistic Bro goes on to win the video game tournament, which was accomplished by playing Super Mario Bros 3 as crappily as possible. Then they all go home.)

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
I'm worried that audiences might see this flick as a ninety minute Nintendo commercial.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Frankly, I'm more concerned they'll realize it's nothing more than a watered-down, teenage clone of last year's Rain Man.

THE END

King Kong

Directed by: Peter Jackson
Starring: Naomi Watts, Adrian Brody, and Jack Black (who is not King Kong)
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UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
Okay, we're going to do King Kong! And we're going to make it an epic tearjerking blockbuster!

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Excellent! Who's on board?

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
Academy Award Winner for Best Director, Peter Jackson...

UNIVERSAL EXEC 3
Great.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
...Academy Award Winner for Best Actor, Adrian Brody...

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Wonderful.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
...Acadamy Award Nominee for Best Actress, Naomi Watts...

UNIVERSAL EXEC 3
Fantastic!

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
...and Jack Black.

(Silence.)

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
What Acadamy Award did he win?

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
Err...none. But he was nominated for a golden globe.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 3
A golden globe? They're the Buzz Aldrin of film awards!

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Wait...we still might be okay.
(to Exec 1)
I assume you cast him in the comic sidekick part.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
Actually, we decided to give him the leading serious role.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Never mind. We're screwed.

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(They cautiously film the movie, ever mindful of their casting blunder.)

JACK BLACK
I think—

(Suddenly, a bunch of savage natives show up.)

JACK BLACK (breaking "character")
Huh? Where'd they come from?

PRODUCERS
Just go with it.

(The actors fight the savage natives and win.)

JACK BLACK
As I was saying: I think—

(Suddenly, a bunch of velociraptors, T-Rexes and brontosauruses show up.)

JACK BLACK (breaking "character")
Is this Jurassic Park now?

PRODUCERS
Just go with it.

(The actors fight the velociraptors, T-Rexes and brontosauruses and win.)

JACK BLACK
We must keep—

(Suddenly, a bunch of giant bugs show up.)

JACK BLACK (breaking "character")
I'm sensing a pattern here.

PRODUCERS
Just go with it.

(The actors fight the giant bugs and win.)

JACK BLACK (breaking "character")
Can I finally say a line now?

PRODUCERS
No. We have to cut to our main plotline: Jimmy and his Token Black Guy Mentor.
(They do.)

JIMMY
Jeepers creepers, Mr. Black Guy Mentor: why is this book called Heart of Darkness?

TOKEN BLACK GUY MENTOR
Well you see, Jimmy, there's a heart in each of us. A heart of DARKNESS. In some, it's kept well hidden. But the darkness is still there, Jimmy, deep within our hearts. Restless. Trying to escape. And so we press forth in spite of this dark force within us in our feeble attempts to tame the HEART, if you will, of our DARKNESS.

OTHER ACTORS
What the hell? Isn't this movie supposed to be about a giant ape?

PRODUCERS
Oh right. How much time has passed already?

OTHER ACTORS
Like two hours.

PRODUCERS
Hmm. Guess we should bring him out soon then.

(King Kong shows up and falls in love with Naomi Watts. Naomi Watts falls in love with King Kong.)

JACK BLACK
It appears that—

PRODUCERS
Look! King Kong is attacking! No time to speak!

(There is a fight scene. The actors defeat King Kong, rendering him unconscious.)

ACTORS
Hooray!

FORREST GUMP JR.
Let's bring him to New York and put him on Broadway! Maybe we can finally bump out Phantom!

ACTORS
Hooray!

(They follow through with their plan, which goes horribly wrong. King Kong escapes and lays waste to the city.)

STEPHEN SPIELBERG (watching)
Pfft. Way to steal my oh-so-original plotline from The Lost World. Amateurs.

(King Kong is shot and killed, but not before making mental love with Naomi Watts.)

JACK BLACK (standing over the body)
T'was beauty who killed the—

PRODUCERS
Roll credits!

THE END