Pet Sematary
Starring: Stupid Doctor, Ugly Wife, Herman Munster, and Winston Churchill as the Evil Cat
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LOUIS CREED
I'm a successful doctor with new house and a loving family. My life is perfect.
(The family cat, Winston Churchill, ventures into the road and gets run over by an 18-wheeler.)
LOUIS CREED
Damn that brazen cat. We shoulda named him Neville Chamberlain; then he would have spent his afternoons cowering behind the dresser. Now I'll have to tell my daughter that her favorite family member is dead...
HERMAN MUNSTER
Not so fast. You seem like a nice enough guy. Let me give you the down lo'...there's a special Indian burial ground by a pet cemetary where the dead come back to life.
(They both bury "Church" in the burial ground, who subsequently comes back to life.)
HERMAN MUNSTER
By the way, that burial ground is cursed. Everything it brings back is evil. So never bury anything in that place.
LOUIS CREED
Umm...thanks?
(The days pass. Everything seems back to normal, except the cat is EVIL. Then Louis's son wonders into the street and it struck by an 18-wheeler.)
LOUIS CREED
Obviously, I'm a terrible father.
LOUIS'S WIFE
It's okay, Louis, I forgive you. Remember my freaky bedridden sister Zelda? I killed that bitch good.
LOUIS CREED
And how!
(Time passes.)
LOUIS CREED
I'm depressed. If only there was a way to make everything normal again... Herman Munster and the ghost of that guy who got his head split open are telling me not to use the pet cemetary, but how bad could it be? I mean, the cat's the same, except he smells like ass and is EVIL.
(He buries his son in the pet cemetary. His son comes back to life, is EVIL and starts killing everyone, including his wife.)
LOUIS CREED
Okay, I admit in hindsight, that was probably not the best move.
(injects his evil son with poison, killing him...again)
There, that's better. Now if only there were a way to bring my wife back to life... Hmm...
(He buries his wife in the pet cemetary. She becomes EVIL and kills him.)
AUDIENCE
And we're supposed to believe this guy passed med school?
THE END
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LOUIS CREED
I'm a successful doctor with new house and a loving family. My life is perfect.
(The family cat, Winston Churchill, ventures into the road and gets run over by an 18-wheeler.)
LOUIS CREED
Damn that brazen cat. We shoulda named him Neville Chamberlain; then he would have spent his afternoons cowering behind the dresser. Now I'll have to tell my daughter that her favorite family member is dead...
HERMAN MUNSTER
Not so fast. You seem like a nice enough guy. Let me give you the down lo'...there's a special Indian burial ground by a pet cemetary where the dead come back to life.
(They both bury "Church" in the burial ground, who subsequently comes back to life.)
HERMAN MUNSTER
By the way, that burial ground is cursed. Everything it brings back is evil. So never bury anything in that place.
LOUIS CREED
Umm...thanks?
(The days pass. Everything seems back to normal, except the cat is EVIL. Then Louis's son wonders into the street and it struck by an 18-wheeler.)
LOUIS CREED
Obviously, I'm a terrible father.
LOUIS'S WIFE
It's okay, Louis, I forgive you. Remember my freaky bedridden sister Zelda? I killed that bitch good.
LOUIS CREED
And how!
(Time passes.)
LOUIS CREED
I'm depressed. If only there was a way to make everything normal again... Herman Munster and the ghost of that guy who got his head split open are telling me not to use the pet cemetary, but how bad could it be? I mean, the cat's the same, except he smells like ass and is EVIL.
(He buries his son in the pet cemetary. His son comes back to life, is EVIL and starts killing everyone, including his wife.)
LOUIS CREED
Okay, I admit in hindsight, that was probably not the best move.
(injects his evil son with poison, killing him...again)
There, that's better. Now if only there were a way to bring my wife back to life... Hmm...
(He buries his wife in the pet cemetary. She becomes EVIL and kills him.)
AUDIENCE
And we're supposed to believe this guy passed med school?
THE END
posted by "Mister_Anderson" @ 2:00 PM
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