Clue

Starring: Multicolored game pieces, two dice, and a folding cardboard floorplan of a mansion
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TIM CURRY
1 + 1 + 2 + 1

MISS SCARLET
1 + 2 + 1 + 1 - 3

TIM CURRY
1 + 1 + 2 - 2/3 + 48 factorial

AUDIENCE
What's any of this got to do with the board game?

MRS. PEACOCK
My God, someone's killed Mr. Boddy!

COLONEL MUSTARD
And we didn't have dessert yet!

MISS SCARLET
This is terrible!

MR. GREEN
I'm a homosexual.
(Silence.)
Well, I am.

(Doorbell rings. They answer it.)

UNDERCOVER COP POSING AS A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS
The kingdom of God is at hand.

MRS. PEACOCK
I know who you are!
(Undercover Cop Posing As A Jehovah's Witness begins to sweat.)
You're the original teacher from "Head of the Class".

UNDERCOVER COP POSING AS A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS
Oh, that's right.

PROFESSOR PLUM
So you moved from appearing on that prime-time sitcom to working as a door-to-door Jehovah's Witness promoter? Sounds like someone got a lucky break.

MRS. WHITE
Flames...flaming on the side of my head...flaming flames.

MR. GREEN
Did someone say flaming?

TIM CURRY
Aha, I know who the murderer is!

EVERYONE ELSE
Who?!

TIM CURRY
Miss Scarlet!

MISS SCARLET
Muhahaha, you're right!
(gets arrested)

(Or maybe it happened like this...)

TIM CURRY
I know who the murderer is!

EVERYONE ELSE
Who?!

TIM CURRY
Mrs. Peacock!

MRS. PEACOCK
Muhahaha, you're right!
(gets arrested)

(Or maybe it happened like this...)

TIM CURRY
I know who the murderer is!

EVERYONE ELSE
Who?!

TIM CURRY
It was all of us! Except Mr. Green because he's an undercover cop.

MR. GREEN
That's right!
(to his men)
Take 'em all away, boys. I'm going home to sleep with my wife.
(silence)
Get it?! I'M NOT GAY!!

THE END

Boiler Room

Starring: Weasley Stockbrokers and Not-As-Weasley Stockbrokers
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GIOVANNI'S DAD
You're a punk kid and I hate you.

GIOVANNI
Why?

GIOVANNI'S DAD
I don't know...but it probably has something to do that crappy, under-the-table casino you run from your basement.

(Giovanni shuts down his illegal casino.)

GIOVANNI
Now do you like me?

GIOVANNI'S DAD
No.

GIOVANNI
Well, at least now I can start an honest life! No more underhanded tricks to take people's cash.

NICKY KATT, VIN DIESEL AND JAMIE KENNEDY
Come with us and make dirty money.

GIOVANNI
Okay.

(He goes to their investment firm.)

BEN AFFLECK
Hello, new recruits. You remind me of the flaky crust stuck to the rim of my ketchup bottle, but stay with this firm and one day you will be filthy rich. That is all.

GIOVANNI (inner monologue)
Hmm...I'd like to be rich. Maybe this is the place for me.

NICKY KATT
Here's how you steal money from customers.
(shows him)
Got it?

(He's got it.)

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LOSER-GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE WILLIAM FITCHNER BUT ACTS LIKE JONATHAN PRYCE IN GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS
I'm a happy, upstanding family-man. Nothing could possibly come between me and my perfect life.

(Phone rings. He answers it.)

GIOVANNI (on phone)
Hello, sucker. Want to buy some stock?

LOSER-GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE WILLIAM FITCHNER BUT ACTS LIKE JONATHAN PRYCE IN GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS
I'm not sure. Is it good?

GIOVANNI
Uh...yes.

LOSER-GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE WILLIAM FITCHNER BUT ACTS LIKE JONATHAN PRYCE IN GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS
Well, I've never met you, only talked to you for three seconds and have no idea what this stock is for, but you've sold me. Sign me up for ten million shares. Hold on, I'll get the number for the bank account containing my family's life savings.

(The days pass. Giovanni develops a conscience.)

GIOVANNI
Oh, no... What have I done?! I've stolen people's money!

GIOVANNI'S DAD
Worse than that. You also got me in trouble with the F.B.I.

GIOVANNI
Oh, no!

LOSER-GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE WILLIAM FITCHNER BUT ACTS LIKE JONATHAN PRYCE IN GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS
And you made me lose my family.

GIOVANNI
Oh, no!

TOM EVERETT SCOTT
And you made me get this stupid haircut.

GIOVANNI
Oh, n...wait a second, no I didn't.

(The F.B.I. calls Giovanni at the firm.)

F.B.I.
We're gonna bust in in ten minutes.

GIOVANNI
Uh oh, I better make everything right again.

(He does.)

GIOVANNI
Well Dad, I went from running an illegal casino to defrauding ordinary folks out of millions of dollars. And on top of all that, I lied to your face, almost got you charged with federal crimes, and came within inches of publically humiliating you, which certainly would have cost you your highly-prized judgeship. So now what do you think of me?

GIOVANNI'S DAD
I love you, Son.

THE END

Jurassic Park III

Directed by: Joe Johnson
Starring: Sam Neill as Dr. Grant, William H. Macy as Disgruntled Dad, some dinosaurs, and a lot of trees
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DR. GRANT
No force of man or earth will get me back to Jurassic Park.

WILLIAM H. MACY
My wife and I want to tour Jurassic Park. Will you be our guide? Here's a blank check.

DR. GRANT
What time's our flight?

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(Dr. Grant, William H. Macy, Tea Leoni and others have landed on Jurassic Park.)

WILLIAM H. MACY
By the way, I lied when I said we wanted to tour the island. Actually, our son vanished while parasailing over this place with my wife's bastard boyfriend. I also lied when I said I was rich.

DR. GRANT
I see...
(punches him)
Bitch.

(A spinosaurus shows up and eats half the search party. It is huge.)

DR. GRANT
And no one ever noticed this dinosaur before because...?

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DR. GRANT'S MENTALLY-CHALLENGED ASSISTANT
Hey look, a velociraptor nest. A pair of raptor eggs would make a great engagement gift for my honey back home.
(secretly steals some eggs)

LOST BOY (shows up)
Hi, Mom, Dad and company, welcome to the island. Here, let me show you my pad.
(gives them a tour of his Swiss Family Robinson-style habitat)

WILLIAM H. MACY
Oh no!

DR. GRANT
What is it?!

WILLIAM H. MACY
I just realized I've been horribly miscast and that this movie is going to suck. Is there any way I can get out of it?

WILLIAM H. MACY'S AGENT
Nope.

(Suddenly velociraptors that look like David Beckham show up.)

THE GROUP
Oh no, the raptors!
(escapes the raptors)
That was close.

(Repeat with every species of dinosaur.)

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(The group is about to be rescued, but then the velociraptors ambush them.)

DR. GRANT
Again? What the hell do they want?

DR. GRANT'S MENTALLY-CHALLENGED ASSISTANT
Maybe they're looking for the eggs I stole from them.

DR. GRANT
You sniff glue, don't you?

(They give back the eggs but the dinosaurs don't leave.)

WILLIAM H. MACY
Oh no, they're going to eat us now.

DR. GRANT
Don't worry, I speak raptor.

(He does so. The raptors quickly shuffle off.)

WILLIAM H. MACY
What'd you say?

DR. GRANT
I pointed out their embarassing new hairstyles. They won't be leaving the nest again any time soon.

LOST BOY
Hey look, the Army, Navy and Marines just arrived to save us!

WILLIAM H. MACY
What the...? Where the hell did they come from?

DR. GRANT
Who cares? We just reached the 90-minute mark. This travesty is over.

THE END

Thelma & Louise

Directed by: Ridley Scott
Starring: Impassioned Feminists and men who don't respect them
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THELMA
I hate men.

LOUISE
I hate men more.

THELMA
No, you don't.

LOUISE
Yes, I do.
(kills a man)

THELMA
Okay, you do.

LOUISE
Hmm...we probably should get out of here.

(They take off in a Thunderbird and go on a cross country crime spree in support of feminism.)

CHRISTOPHER MCDONALD
Well, here I am, playing the asshole in yet another movie... But on to more current news, I don't understand how my wife could be a felon. I mean, she's just a woman.

IMPASSIONED FEMINISTS IN THE AUDIENCE
Grrrrrr...

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(Thelma and Louise are being chased by numerous police cars. They pull up to the edge of a huge chasm and realize they're trapped.)

THELMA
Hey, you know what'd be cool?

LOUISE
What?

THELMA
If we just drove off the cliff.

LOUISE
Really? That would be cool?

THELMA
Oh yeah.

LOUISE
All right then.

(They drive off the cliff. It is cool.)

THE END

The Day After Tomorrow

Directed by: Roland Emmerich
Starring: Environmentally-Conscious Good Guys, Evil Political Bad Guys, and The Cold
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DENNIS QUAID
Everyone listen! We need to stop global warming or the environment will retaliate!

EVERY POLITICAN IN THE FILM
Haha, you're insane. Global warming doesn't exist.

(Super tornadoes devastate L.A., giant storm surges drown NYC, and a massive blizzard sends North America into a new ice age.)

EVERY POLITICAN IN THE FILM
Oops.

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BUBBLE BOY (calling from a library in NYC)
Dad, save me.

DENNIS QUAID (in D.C.)
Okay.
(walks through the blizzard from D.C. to NYC, along the way ripping off scenes from Vertical Limit, Alive and Lawrence of Arabia)

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DAMSEL IN DISTRESS
I think I have gangrene.

BUBBLE BOY
I'll find some medicine in the Russian sub that just floated by our window.

DAMSEL IN DISTRESS
Wait, if the sub just floated by, then how can you get to it?

BUBBLE BOY
Don't worry. I'm sure by the time I get my scarf and galoshes on, the four million cubic tons of salt water will have frozen solid.

(He's right.)

MEAN CGI WOLVES (entering the sub after Bubble Boy)
Grr...we're mean. We want to eat you.

BUBBLE BOY
Oh no, virtual wolves!
(runs outside)
That was close. Now that I have the medicine, I shall return to my ailing girlfriend.

(The sky gets angry and releases The Cold.)

BUBBLE BOY
Oh no, The Cold!

(The Cold chases him back to the library. He makes it, but it is CLOSE.)

BUBBLE BOY
Here's the medicine.

DAMSEL IN DISTRESS
Thanks. While you were gone, we took to burning books to stay warm.

BUBBLE BOY
Wouldn't it make more sense to burn all this wooden furniture first?

(No response.)

DENNIS QUAID (shows up)
Here I am.

THE STRANDED
Hooray! We're saved!

SMART STANDED GUY
Wait a minute. How exactly are you going to save us?

DENNIS QUAID
Well, I'm... I'm going to... Uh...

HELICOPTER RESCUERS (show up)
Here we are.

THE STRANDED
Hooray!

DENNIS QUAID
See, that's how.

SMART STRANDED GUY
What was the purpose of you walking here when we were going to have to use helicopters to escape anyway?

DENNIS QUAID
Shut up, Poindexter.

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EVIL VICE PRESIDENT TURNED GOOD
I would like to apologize for Republicans everywhere. We had truly fucked up the planet. As compensation, I have deverted all incoming GOP funds to Amnesty International.

MICHAEL MOORE
Nice try, but that's not going to stop criticism from this radical! I've got a new documentary planned exposing the administration's hidden role in this global eco-disaster: Fahrenheit —911. Isn't my title clever?

RAY BRADBURY
Cunt.

THE END

Blade Runner: Director's Cut

Directed by: Ridley Scott
Starring: Depressed cops, depressed replicants, and a happy unicorn
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(The future is dark and depressing.)

BRYANT
Kill all replicants.

DECKARD
Okay.
(starts killing the replicants)

RACHAEL
I'm a replicant, but you can't kill me because you love me.

DECKARD
You're right.

(He nods off and the screen is filled with a giant unicorn prancing through a meadow.)

THOSE IN THE AUDIENCE WHO'D BEEN DOZING OFF
What the fuck is this?

THOSE IN THE AUDIENCE WHO'D BEEN PAYING RAPT ATTENTION
What the fuck is this?

BATTY
Hahahahaha! I'm the evil replicant. But I'm also sensitive. Look how beautifully the rain falls.
(dies)

DECKARD
That moved me. Now I'll run away with my replicant hottie. Hello, what's this?
(picks up an oragami unicon)

THIRD OF THE AUDIENCE
Look, it's a unicorn! That means Deckard was a replicant all along!

SECOND THIRD OF THE AUDIENCE
Nah, it's just a coincidence.

FINAL THIRD OF THE AUDIENCE
Wait, what's a replicant again?

(Ten years later...)

HARRISON FORD
By the way everybody, I wasn't a replicant.

RIDLEY SCOTT
Yes you were.

THE END

The Shining

Directed by: Stanley Kubrick
Starring: A screwed up family and a few dozen ghosts
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JACK NICHOLSON (in a scary, maniacal close-up)
Well family, here we are, about to take care of this creepy hotel for the entire winter.

HALLORAN
Hi, I'm the groundskeeper. If something spooky happens, just call me and I'll be here in a jiffy.

SHELLY DUVALL
How can we reach you?

HALLORAN
Have your psychic son send me a message. Any time after 3:00 is good but not during dinner.

(The days pass. Psychic Kid is confronted by twin girl ghosts in the hallway.)

TWIN GIRL GHOSTS
Come play with us, Danny.

PSYCHIC KID (to himself)
Damn...if we were all ten years older, I'd be all over that.

(More days pass. Jack Nicholson enters one of the hotel rooms and sees a beautiful naked woman.)

JACK NICHOLSON
Oh baby, come to papa!
(begins to fondle her)

(The beautiful naked woman turns into Old, Ugly, Liverspotted Naked Woman.)

JACK NICHOLSON
Yak! Oh well, at least you're still hotter than my wife.

(More days pass.)

SHELLY DUVALL
Jack, have you noticed anything strange in the hotel?

JACK NICHOLSON
Why, whatever do you mean, darling?

SHELLY DUVALL
Well, for starters, why are you advancing on me while brandishing a baseball bat behind your back?

JACK NICHOLSON
Okay, I'll come clean. This hotel has driven me insane.

SHELLY DUVALL
But you already were insane at the start of the film.

JACK NICHOLSON
All right, then this hotel has made me abusive.

SHELLY DUVALL
But you were abusive before too.

JACK NICHOLSON
All right! Then this hotel has manifested the ghosts of dead, wealthy gentlemen who are constantly urging me to kill my wife and son.

SHELLY DUVALL
Okay, that's new.

(Jack Nicholson chases them around the hotel. Shelly Duvall walks in on a giant dog giving some dude a blowjob.)

GIANT DOG
A little privacy please.

(Halloran shows up.)

HALLORAN
Psychic Son, I got your psychic message, and I'm here to save the day.

(Jack Nicholson whacks him in the gut with an axe.)

REV. AL SHARPTON
Look at that! The black man's the first to die!

(Jack Nicholson runs around a hedge maze outside and freezes to death.)

AVID KING READERS
Sigh... That was nothing like the book.

(Seventeen years later.)

STEPHEN KING
I listened to all your complaints about the film and am proud to announce I've remade my story as a TNT miniseries. It's been heavily censored for television and stars the guy from "Wings".

EVERYONE
Boooooo!

THE END

Species

Starring: Agent Gandhi, Mr. Blonde, Sensitive Guy, Smart Chick, Horny Doctor, and a Hot Alien
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AGENT GANDHI
Thank you all for coming. I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we created an alien from information gathered from outerspace, which has since broken free, killing everyone in its path.

MR. BLONDE
Jesus Christ! What's the good news?

AGENT GANDHI
We decided to splice the alien DNA with that of a blonde Brooke Burke.

SMART CHICK
What was the purpose of that?

AGENT GANDHI
Hey lady, my men and I work in an underground laboratory 24/7. Take a guess.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The team searches for the alien.)

SENSITIVE GUY
I sense that the alien is scared.

(They find a naked dead guy.)

THE TEAM
Hmm...

(They find another naked dead guy.)

SMART CHICK
Aha! She must be looking for a mate.

(They find the alien and run her off the road into a conveniently-placed transformer, exploding her car.)

THE TEAM
Hooray! No need to confirm that was actually her...let's go party!

(They go to a bar.)

SMART CHICK (to Mr. Blonde)
Have sex with me.

MR. BLONDE
Okay.
(leaves with her to have sex)

HORNY DOCTOR
Sigh...

HOT ALIEN WEARING A WIG
You're old, fat, and ugly...everything I look for in a man. Let's have sex.

HORNY DOCTOR
YES! I knew this day would come eventually!

(They go back to his hotel room and have sex.)

HORNY DOCTOR
Wow...that was fantastic. Now I can claim my lack of virginity with pride!

HOT ALIEN WEARING A WIG
Well, actually, you're still technically a virgin. See, I'm the alien. And you just got me pregnant.

HORNY DOCTOR
Oh my God...you want child support!!

(Sensitive Guy, Mr. Blonde, Smart Chick, and Agent Gandhi break down the door, guns in hand. The alien turns into her alien self and flees.)

MR. BLONDE
Quick, she went to the bottomless pit in the basement!

(They go.)

AGENT GANDHI
There she is!

(The alien kills him.)

MR. BLONDE
Hmm, I better try a different approach.
(blows her head off with a shotgun, blasting the carcas into the bottomless pit)
Yep, that worked.

SMART CHICK
Well, everything is finally back to normal.

SENSITIVE GUY
Uh, what about that alien baby in the corner?

MR. BLONDE
Save him for the sequel.

THE END

Forrest Gump

Directed by: Robert Zemeckis
Starring: Forrest Gump, Doped-Up Hippie Chick, Pissed Off Army Guy, Bubba, 4 Presidents, and John Lennon
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FORREST GUMP
My name is Forrest Gump. You can call me Forrest Gump.

EVERYONE ELSE
Glad you cleared that up.

(Forrest Gump joins the Army.)

BUBBA
I like shrimp.
(dies)

FORREST GUMP
I'll have to become a shrimp boat cap'n to preserve Bubba's memory.

(He does, becoming a millionaire and saving America several times over in the process.)

FORREST GUMP
I have money and fame and shrimp, but I still don't have my doped-up hippie chick.

DOPED-UP HIPPIE CHICK
Okay I'll let you have sex with me, but then I'll run away, returning only when my baby needs a daddy.

MAURY POVICH
And be sure to give me a ring when you do.

(Everyone Forrest Gump knows dies or is seriously injured.)

FORREST GUMP
I'm gonna give up my fortune and stay a shrimp boat cap'n cause that's what Bubba would have wanted.

BUBBA'S GHOST
Goddamn, enough with the shrimp already.

THE END