Magnolia

Directed by: P. T. Anderson
Starring: Pretentious actors playing dull characters
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The film begins with a cool narrative about urban legends. The audience is entranced. Suddenly, an episode of COPS begins and John C. Reilly's ugly mug fills the screen.)

BLACK LADY (to John C. Reilly)
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!

(A dead guy falls out of her closet.)

TOM CRUISE (appears)
All females should suck my massive cock.

JASON ROBARDS
I'm dying.

TOM CRUISE
Good. You can suck my cock too.

WILLIAM H. MACY
I used to be a quiz-show champ. Now I'm gay.

JULIANNE MOORE (to a pharmacist)
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!

MAINSTREAM AUDIENCE
We're getting a bit nervous here...two hours have passed and we don't know what the hell is going on.

(The cast sings a song. Some smart kid pisses his pants. Then it begins to rain frogs.)

FROGS
Rib-splat.

(Jason Robards dies and Tom Cruise cries. We don't care. The three hour mark is reached.)

OTHER CAST MEMBERS (to anyone)
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!

(Some characters are now less miserable than they were at the start of the film. The audience, however, is more miserable.)

MAINSTREAM AUDIENCE
That sucked.

P. T. ANDERSON GROUPIES
You're uncultured and don't appreciate real art.

MAINSTREAM AUDIENCE
Fine, then sum up what this movie was about in one sentence.

(Silence.)

FROG
Rib-it.

THE END

American Beauty

Directed by: Sam Mendes
Starring: Kevin Spacey as Depressed Husband, Annette Benning as Depressed Wife, and Others as Depressed Supporting Cast
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

KEVIN SPACEY
I'm a lonely suburbanite having a midlife crisis.

ANNETTE BENNING
Me too.

KEVIN SPACEY
Yes, but we can't relate with each other.

ANNETTE BENNING
No.

THORA BIRCH
I'm their depressed daughter. I also have big boobs, see?
(shows us)

HOT SKANK
I'm the school slut.

FUTURE CHILD MOLESTOR
I videotape young girls undressing.

FUTURE CHILD MOLESTER'S NAZI FATHER
I'm the creepy kid's father. I hate gays/Jews/blacks—that about covers it. Heil!

PETER GALLAGHER
I'm some guy.

ALL CHARACTERS
Watch us all interact.

(They do. It is touching.)

HOT SKANK
Turns out I'm really a virgin.

THORA BIRCH & FUTURE CHILD MOLESTER
Turns out we're in love.

ANNETTE BENNING
Turns out I'm a basketcase.

FUTURE CHILD MOLESTER'S NAZI FATHER
Turns out I'm a closet queer.

KEVIN SPACEY
Turns out I'm dead.

PETER GALLAGHER
Turns out I'm still some guy.

(Six months later.)

KEVIN SPACEY, SAM MENDES & ALAN BALL
Turns out we're Oscar winners.

ANNETTE BENNING
Turns out I'm not.

THE END

Pet Sematary

Starring: Stupid Doctor, Ugly Wife, Herman Munster, and Winston Churchill as the Evil Cat
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LOUIS CREED
I'm a successful doctor with new house and a loving family. My life is perfect.

(The family cat, Winston Churchill, ventures into the road and gets run over by an 18-wheeler.)

LOUIS CREED
Damn that brazen cat. We shoulda named him Neville Chamberlain; then he would have spent his afternoons cowering behind the dresser. Now I'll have to tell my daughter that her favorite family member is dead...

HERMAN MUNSTER
Not so fast. You seem like a nice enough guy. Let me give you the down lo'...there's a special Indian burial ground by a pet cemetary where the dead come back to life.

(They both bury "Church" in the burial ground, who subsequently comes back to life.)

HERMAN MUNSTER
By the way, that burial ground is cursed. Everything it brings back is evil. So never bury anything in that place.

LOUIS CREED
Umm...thanks?

(The days pass. Everything seems back to normal, except the cat is EVIL. Then Louis's son wonders into the street and it struck by an 18-wheeler.)

LOUIS CREED
Obviously, I'm a terrible father.

LOUIS'S WIFE
It's okay, Louis, I forgive you. Remember my freaky bedridden sister Zelda? I killed that bitch good.

LOUIS CREED
And how!

(Time passes.)

LOUIS CREED
I'm depressed. If only there was a way to make everything normal again... Herman Munster and the ghost of that guy who got his head split open are telling me not to use the pet cemetary, but how bad could it be? I mean, the cat's the same, except he smells like ass and is EVIL.

(He buries his son in the pet cemetary. His son comes back to life, is EVIL and starts killing everyone, including his wife.)

LOUIS CREED
Okay, I admit in hindsight, that was probably not the best move.
(injects his evil son with poison, killing him...again)
There, that's better. Now if only there were a way to bring my wife back to life... Hmm...

(He buries his wife in the pet cemetary. She becomes EVIL and kills him.)

AUDIENCE
And we're supposed to believe this guy passed med school?

THE END

The Sixth Sense

Directed by: M. Night Sha-na-na

Starring: Dr. Bruce Willis, Sad Yet Cute Kid, artsy cinematography, ghosts, and THE COLOR RED
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Sad Yet Cute Kid is Dr. Bruce's patient.)

DR. BRUCE
Now, Cole, I want you to know that I'm here to help, not to judge you. You should feel free to tell me your troubles uninhibited, and I will listen with an open mind.

SAD YET CUTE KID
I see dead people.

DR. BRUCE
Whoa, you're a fuckin' fruit loop! Good luck with all that.
(reconsiders)

On the other hand, since you seem to be the only person in the past five months who's given me the time of day, I guess I'll stick around.

(Sad Yet Cute Kid begins telling Dr. Bruce his troubles.)

SAD YET CUTE KID
...and last night I was visited by the ghost of that girl from "The O.C." She was in a nightgown.

DR. BRUCE
Hot damn. That's my kind of fantasy. Sha-wing!

SAD YET CUTE KID
She was twelve years old.

DR. BRUCE
You're one sick mofo, Cole.

(Dr. Bruce and Sad Yet Cute Kid board the Mystery Machine and drive around town solving all the spooky mysteries. We see RED, RED, RED, RED, RED, and RED. Now the Sad Yet Cute Kid is not as sad.)

DR. BRUCE
Hmm, I discovered a new field...ghost psychology. I just doubled my patient-base. Now I'll go home to my peculiarly distant wife.

SAD YET CUTE KID
There's something I've been meaning to tell you...

DR. BRUCE
No need to thank me, Cole. All in a day's work. Say hi to your mom for me.

SAD YET CUTE KID
Actually, I was refering to the fact that you're dead.

DR. BRUCE
Huh?

SAD YET CUTE KID
My mom doesn't know who you are, much less that I've been coming to see you.

DR. BRUCE
Well, that explains why you've been paying me in Monopoly money. And also why there's this big, gaping bullet hole in my chest. But...why did you wait ten months to fill me in?

SAD YET CUTE KID
Meh, the subject never came up.

M. NIGHT SHAMAN
RED! RED! RED! RED! RED!

THE END

Predator

Starring: Governor Ahhnold Schwarzenegger, Governor Jesse Ventura, Apollo Creed, and some chick
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GOVERNOR SCHWARZENEGGER
Come, commandos! We must rescue dee kidnapped hostages deep within da jungle of dis Latin American country!

(They attempt to do so. A huge battle breaks out. The commandos kill all the bad guys and burn a village to the ground.)

GOVERNOR VENTURA
No! The hostages have died by the hands of the terrorists!

APOLLO CREED
Either that or by the grenade I tossed in the hut they were cowering in.

GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER
Either way, our mission is ovah. Let us return to da baaaase.

(The commandos make their way back through the jungle. They are picked off one by one.)

GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER
Whaaat? We are still being shot. How is dees possible?

APOLLO CREED
Look up in that tree...it's an alien with a gun!
(gets shot)

GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER
Dee alien will follow us back to town. We must close the border!

GOV. VENTURA
And deal with the political fallout? Are you crazy?!

GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER
Dees is an alien terrorist! Dees alien is breaking the law! We must stop dee illegal alien!

GOV. VENTURA
Not all aliens are terrorists. He's only following us to escape his present dismal environment and start his life anew in a land of prosperity. I say we pursue a policy of appeasment.
(gets shot by the alien)

GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER
No more girly men. Now we do eet my way.

(He covers himself in mud and ambushes the alien, wrestling him to the ground. The alien turns into a suicide bomber and blows himself up. Gov. Schwarzenegger escapes just in time.)

GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER
Through my minutemahn policy I have eeensured the safety of dis country.

AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL, THE ACLU, AND BARBARA BOXER
Boooooo!

(The sequel begins. Now the illegal alien is inhabiting Los Angeles.)

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1
I didn't know this was going to be a documentary.

THE END