The Village

Directed by: M. Night Shymaloonie
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(It is 2004.)

M. NIGHT SHYMALOONIE
Time for another hous...err I mean, another movie!

M. NIGHT FANS
Yay!!!

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(Everyone is dressed in ugly 17th century garb.)

WILLIAM HURT
Gather about, ye villagers, and hear the tales of Those We Do Not Speak Of.

BLIND BLONDIE
But father, if we are not to speak of them, then why are we speaking of them?

WILLIAM HURT
You make my head spin like the eagle 'round his downed prey.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
We know never to traverse the Forests of Evil.

BLIND BLONDIE
By the way, I am in love with you.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
That is because you cannot see my appearance.

BLIND BLONDIE
You speak true.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Fifty minutes later.)

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Mother, sometimes we do not do things, yet others know we want to do things, so we do not do them.

SIGNORNEY WEAVER
What is your meaning?

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
I have no fucking idea. Is this really how people used to talk? Someone kill me already.

(He gets stabbed by Brody the Retarded Monkey.)

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Thank you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BLIND BLONDIE
Brody the Retarded Monkey, you killed my true love.

WILLIAM HURT
Life is still with him. He needs medicines from the towns. Blind Blondie, you must journey there and retrieve the potions that will revive him.

BLIND BLONDIE
But father, what of the monsters that roam the forests outside our village?

WILLIAM HURT
I made all that shit up. Now get ye going.

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(Blind Blondie sets out on her trip. She encounters Brody the Retarded Monkey dressed in red monster garb.)

M. NIGHT
Red Red Red Red Red!

(Blind Blondie knocks Brody off a cliff.)

JUSTICE KENNEDY
You can't execute the mentally ill!

AUDIENCE
Shut up.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Blind Blondie makes it to "the towns," which turns out to be modern day Trenton, NJ or some other shitty place. We find out that all the adult villagers had been tricking their kids into believing they were living in the 17th century. Isn't that cool??)

AUDIENCE
Why the hell would they do that?

WILLIAM HURT
You see, my brother was killed in Philadelphia, so I thought I'd be better off living in this nature preserve.

AUDIENCE
Okay, you're obviously crazy, but what about the other adult villagers?

WILLIAM HURT
They're all crazy too.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Blind Blondie is approached by a forest ranger.)

BLIND BLONDIE
Please, sir, I need to converse with a doctor of medicines post-haste or the lifeforce of my love will burn out like the morning embers of a stewing fire.

FOREST RANGER
Who shot who in the what now?

(He takes her list of drugs and goes to the medical station.)

AUDIENCE
Wow, we're impressed. The movie is almost over, and M. Night didn't make his usual egotistical cameo appearance.

(M. Night is the medical station director.)

AUDIENCE
Never mind.

(Joaquin Phoenix is cured and gets to live the rest of his days in the village.)

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Nooooooooo!!

THE END

Elephant

Directed by: Gus Van Sant
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GUS VAN SANT
Hark! I plan to direct a movie that tells the tragic events of a school shooting, akin to that massacre at Columbine, Colorado.

PRODUCERS
Sounds like an action-packed character study, go with it!

(Gus Van Sant begins filming the day's events from Student A's perspective. Student A wakes up. He takes a shower. His dad drives him to school. He arrives late. He gets sent to the principal's office. He gets lectured. He talks to some chick. He goes to class. He walks down a hall. He goes to another class. He has lunch in the cafeteria. He walks down a hall.)

FILM CREW (quietly)
What the hell...?

(Eventually, it looks like something interesting may be about to happen.)

GUS VAN SANT
Cut! Now re-film all the plot points thus far from Student B's perspective.

FIRST ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
What plot points?

(They re-film the same exciting events from Student B's point-of-view. Then likewise with Students C, D, E, F, and G. Ninety minutes later...)

GUS VAN SANT
Okay, now the school shooting happens.

CINEMATOGRAPHER
We only have ten minutes of film left.

GUS VAN SANT
That's fine. But first we have to shoot the scene where the two student gunmen are revealed to be gay lovers.

SECOND ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
??? Don't you think we should lay a foundation for that?

GUS VAN SANT
No, we'll just film them naked and making out in the shower.

(The Film Crew now realize Gus Van Sant is crazy, but no one contradicts him because crazy people are often dangerous.)

GUS VAN SANT (after the movie is finished)
Behold the film's motif: Guns are Bad!

FIRST ASSISTANT DIRECTOR (peers into the theater)
I don't think the Test Audience got the message. They all shot themselves around the sixty minute mark.

GUS VAN SANT
Oh well, just pack up the reels and ship 'em to HBO. They'll play anything.

THE END

The Natural

Directed by: Barry Levinson
Starring: The finest fake baseball players this side of the Mississippi
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(Robert Redford stars as Roy Hobbs, a young, up-and-coming baseball star.)

ROY HOBBS
Young? You do realize I'm being played by a 50-year-old catcher's mit, right?

BARRY LEVINSON
Hush...it'll be our little secret.

BARBARA HERSHEY PLAYING A CRAZY LADY (cozying up to Roy Hobbs)
Roy Hobbs, are you the best there ever was and ever will be?

ROY HOBBS
Yes.
(She shoots him.)
I meant, no.

(He falls into a coma. Flash forward sixteen years. Roy Hobbs goes to play for the New York "Knights.")

ROY HOBBS
After spending a decade and a half on the injured list, I'm ready to return to baseball. What'd I miss?

COACH QUAKER OATS GUY
You can't play for me, old fart. Now sit on the bench and watch me spit chaw.

ROY HOBBS
But I can hit real good-like, and your team sucks. Put me in, Coach.

COACH QUAKER OATS GUY
Fella, I don't care how good y'are. You'll do what I tell ya and sit on that thar bench.

ROY HOBBS
But I wanna play ball!

COACH QUAKER OATS GUY
Barring some unforeseen tragedy, the only balls you'll be playin' wit are the gumdrops hidden behind yer pecker.

(Center Fielder Michael Madsen leaps for a fly ball, crashes through the back wall of the stadium, and dies.)

COACH QUAKER OATS GUY (to Roy Hobbs)
Welcome aboard.

(Roy Hobbs plays baseball for the Knights and is good.)

THE JUDGE (from his shadowy skybox)
Hey, I just remembered. I can't yank full ownership of the Knights away from Quaker Oats Guy unless they lose the pennant. Roy Hobbs, throw the rest of the season; I'll make it worth your while.

ROY HOBBS
Sorry, I have high morals.

THE JUDGE
Is that so? In that case, meet my mistress, Kim Basinger.

KIM BASINGER (cozying up to Roy Hobbs)
Hi.

ROY HOBBS
Uh-oh, another woman. You're not going to shoot me in the gut like that crazy lady, are you?

KIM BASINGER
No, I'm just going to sex you up and corrupt you until your game suffers.

ROY HOBBS
That's a relief.

(Roy Hobbs starts to suck. Then he regains his confidence and starts playing better.)

THE JUDGE
Well, we can't have that.

(He poisons him. Roy Hobbs goes to the hospital.)

ROY HOBBS
Hey, Doc, you gotta let me outta here. My team's in the World Series, and they need me to win.

DOCTOR
Baseball? Oh no, I don't think so. See, this poison has acted up your old injury. If you ever play ball again, you'll die.

ROY HOBBS
Can I walk?

DOCTOR
Yes.

ROY HOBBS
Dance?

DOCTOR
Sure.

ROY HOBBS
Have sex?

DOCTOR
Why not.

ROY HOBBS
Swing a bat?

DOCTOR
Sorry.

(Roy Hobbs goes against his doctor's advice, and plays in the World Series. It's his turn in the lineup, and he shatters his lucky bat on a foul ball.)

ROY HOBBS
Well, that's it for me.

(Suddenly, he spots his Old Flame and Love Child in the stands.)

ROY HOBBS
Hey, it's the one lady from my life who isn't evil. I'll do this for her and our bastard son!

(He hits a homerun and the Knights win the pennant.)

THE KNIGHTS
Hooray!

THE JUDGE (from his shadowy skybox)
Curses, foiled again!

ROBERT DUVALL
And everyone lived happily ever after.

AUDIENCE
Robert Duvall?? You're in this movie??

ROBERT DUVALL
Apparently.

THE END

The Abyss: Director's Cut

Directed by: James Cameron
Starring: Rowdy Oil Drillers, Uptight Government Guys and Pussy Aliens
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GOVERNMENT GUY
Ed Harris, you and your team of Rowdy Oil Drillers need to go on a dangerous sci-fi mission for the U.S. government. And no, this isn't Armageddon.

ED HARRIS
That's a small relief.

GOVERNMENT GUY
You must investigate a nonresponsive government submarine that has drifted off-course. Here are a bunch of U.S. Navy Guys to go along with you. They will be led by your ex-wife. Hopefully, that will not present a problem.

ED HARRIS
Nah, good choice.

SOME INCONSEQUENTIAL NAVY GUY
Look what I brought: some liquid breathing apparatus. Lets you breathe at extreme depths.

ROWDY OIL DRILLER
Will we need to use that on this mission?

SOME INCONSEQUENTIAL NAVY GUY
Nah.

ROWDY OIL DRILLER
So why bring it?

SOME INCONSEQUENTIAL NAVY GUY
Just to get the panties of those bastards at PETA in a wad when I appear to drown your pet rat.
(He does.)
Good times.

(Later...)

ED HARRIS
Well, we've located the sub and everyone is dead. Also, my crazy ex-wife says she saw a alien swimming outside.

NAVY GUY MICHAEL BIEHN
That was no alien. It's a commie!

ED HARRIS
She said the alien was glowing.

NAVY GUY MICHAEL BIEHN
Wait'll you see 'em glow after we launch this nuclear warhead!

ED HARRIS
Um, don't do that.

NAVY GUY MICHAEL BIEHN
Too late. The undersea pressure has driven me insane. At least, that's the logic this film has put out there to explain my erratic behavior. Now, buckle up for a nuclear winter!

(Navy Guy Michael Biehn arms the nuke but dies before he can launch it. The nuke drops off several miles into the underwater abyss.)

INCONSEQUENTIAL NAVY GUY
Oops. Well, I guess we should all go back and tell our families we love them before the world ends.

ED HARRIS
Silence! I will save the day!

EVERYONE
*Gasp*

ED HARRIS'S CRAZY EX-WIFE
My hero.

(Ed Harris uses the liquid breathing apparatus and ventures down into the abyss...and down...and down...and......down. Finally, he locates the nuke.)

ED HARRIS (communicating with the sub)
GHSFJASWGQJWH'SJ

ED HARRIS'S CRAZY EX-WIFE
What's that?

INCONSEQUENTIAL NAVY GUY
Ah. I was afraid this might happen. He's gone insane. The world is doomed.

(Insane Ed Harris manages to disarm the nuke. Then he is abducted by underwater aliens and taken to alien prison.)

HEAD ALIEN RALPH NADER (approaches)
Hello, Ed.

ED HARRIS
Ralph Nader?

HEAD ALIEN RALPH NADER
That's right. We've been watching you for some time. And we have to say we're very disappointed with all the nuclear bombs the nations of the world have dropped recently...

ED HARRIS
You mean the two bombs that were dropped on Imperialist Japan almost fifty year ago?

HEAD ALIEN RALPH NADER
...all those nuclear bombs. Tsk-tsk. Now, in order to stop you from wiping out humanity with nuclear weapons, we will wipe out humanity with a mega-tsunami.

ED HARRIS
Really?

HEAD ALIEN RALPH NADER
Nah, we're too pussy. Besides, I have to resurface to run my presidential campaign.

(The aliens bring everyone back to the surface.)

ED HARRIS
Wait...we never decompressed. Shouldn't we be dead?

HEAD ALIEN RALPH NADER
Yes, well, um, we decompressed you when you were in our custody.

ED HARRIS
What about my ex-wife and all the other divers?

HEAD ALIEN RALPH NADER
I sprinkled some pixie dust on them, ok? Now let's all give peace a chance.

THE END

Beetlejuice

Directed by: Tim Burton
Starring: Alec Baldwin, his Temper, Geena Davis, her Bad Hair, Winona Ryder, her Black Clothes, and Michael Keaton
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ALEC BALDWIN (to Geena Davis)
I love you. Let's go for a drive.

(They do.)

GEENA DAVIS
Oops, we crashed our car. Now we're dead.

(She's right.)

ALEC BALDWIN
Looks like we're confined to our house for eternity. If we step outside, we'll get eaten by those things from Tremors.

(Annoying Family moves in their house but can't see Alec Baldwin or Geena Davis since they're GHOSTS.)

ALEC BALDWIN
Bah, we hate Annoying Family. Beetlejuice, help us get rid of them!

BEETLEJUICE
Okay, but first I have to eat this bug and hit on your wife...not necessarily in that order.

GEENA DAVIS
Wait, we've had a change of heart. We like Annoying Family's Gothic Daughter and want to let them stay.

BEETLEJUICE
Too late, babe.

(Alec Baldwin, Geena Davis and Gothic Daughter outsmart Beetlejuice and send him to Tremors Land.)

(One week later...)

ALEC BALDWIN (checks his watch)
Where the hell is Gothic Daughter? We're trying to end this damn movie, and we've been waiting for her to get home from school for forty minutes! She's supposed to call if she'll be late!

(Gothic Daughter finally shows up.)

ALEC BALDWIN
Why didn't you call? You're late!

GOTHIC DAUGHTER
No, I'm not. Maybe you can't tell time.

ALEC BALDWIN (angrily to Gothic Daughter)
You see this watch? This watch cost more than your emo wardrobe. I made $970,000 last year; how much was your allowance? You see, kid, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice girl? I don't give a shit. Good daughter? Fuck you, go home and play with your decapitated Barbies. You want to show up late, CALL.

(Gothic Daughter starts to cry.)

GEENA DAVIS
Looks like you were too harsh. Let's cheer her up by doing that thing where she dances in midair to Harry Belafonte.

THE END

The Prestige

Directed by: Christopher Nolan
Starring: A bunch of magicians and David Bowie
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WOLVERINE THE GREAT
Help me tie up my wife during the magic show so we can dunk her in this water tank and let her escape. But don't tie her knots too tight.

THE MAGNIFICENT BRUCE WAYNE
Okay.
(ties her knots too tight and she drowns)
Oops.

WOLVERINE THE GREAT
Now I hate you and will devote my life to ruining your magic tricks.

THE MAGNIFICENT BRUCE WAYNE
Yeah? Well, I hate you and will devote my life to fucking with your head.

THE OLD MICHAEL CAINE
Also, I figure into this plot somehow.

(The Magnificent Bruce Wayne creates a nifty magic trick in which he appears to teleport across the stage.)

WOLVERNINE THE GREAT
I must know how he does it. David Bowie, help me!

DAVID BOWIE
I'll help you, but understand that your obsession will only lead to your own doom.

WOLVERNINE THE GREAT
Blah, blah, blah. Just help me teleport shit.

(David Bowie builds him a cloning machine, allowing anyone who uses it to make perfect duplicates of himself. Wolverine the Great incorporates it into his act, making himself appear to teleport across the auditorium.)

WOLVERINE THE GREAT
Cool...but it might look a tad suspicious if I start walking around town with all these duplicates. Should I donate their bodies to science? Nah, I'll just drown 'em.

(He drowns one duplicate in a tank but is discovered by The Magnificent Bruce Wayne, who is then charged with Wolverine the Great's murder.)

THE MAGNIFICENT BRUCE WAYNE
Woe is me.
(gets hung)

WOLVERINE THE GREAT (the one still alive)
It looks like everything is wrapped up into a nice little package.

THE MAGNIFICENT BRUCE WAYNE (shows up)
Hi.
(shoots him)

WOLVERINE THE GREAT (dying)
Huh?! Aren't you dead?

THE MAGNIFICENT BRUCE WAYNE
No, that was my twin brother. See how the plot now makes sense?

AUDIENCE
Not really. How did that cloning machine work?

(Silence.)

SCARLETT JOHANNSON
Don't forget, I played a pivotal role in this film!

AUDIENCE (five minutes after the movie ends)
Too late.

THE END

The Wizard

Directed by: Todd Holland
Starring: Kevin Arnold, Autistic Bro, Wannabe Tough Chick, and LUCAS (he's so baaad)
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(By 1989, the Nintendo Company, Ltd. had reached great success with its Nintendo Entertainment System, popularizing domestic video game electronics once again. At the same time, however, the relevant market had plateaued. Nintendo needed new and innovative products to grab the consumers' attention and pocketbooks. Enter the Power Glove, the Power Pad and R.O.B. the Robot, the crappiest video game perephrials in the history of consumer electronics. So crappy, in fact, that the company needed far longer than a thirty second TV spot to infuse them into the gaming public. It was in this climate that The Wizard was born.)

AUTISTIC BRO
California...

KEVIN ARNOLD
What about it?

AUTISTIC BRO
California...

KEVIN ARNOLD
Cowabunga.

AUTISTIC BRO
California...

KEVIN ARNOLD
God—if I take you to California, will you please shut up?

(They travel to California. Along the way they meet up with Wannabe Tough Chick.)

WANNABE TOUGH CHICK
Look how street smart I am. All my friends are smelly truckers.

KEVIN ARNOLD
Glad to meet you. I'm that dork from The Wonder Years, and this is my retarded brother.

WANNABE TOUGH CHICK
But he's good at video games. That means he's a genius.

SHADOWY NINTENDO AGENTS
Enough character development. More Nintendo products.

(They show Autistic Bro playing many different Nintendo games. He decides to enter a video game tournament.)

LUCAS (shows up)
Not so fast, pussy. First you gotta show me your skills.

(Lucas whips out a sweaty, gray, synthetic hand puppet called the Power Glove and begins playing Nintendo games with it. He schools all their asses. Dramatic close-up shot of Lucas's solemn face.)



LUCAS
I love the Power Glove...it's so bad.

FILM HISTORIANS
And with that, the single greatest line in video game movie history was uttered.

(Autistic Bro goes on to win the video game tournament, which was accomplished by playing Super Mario Bros 3 as crappily as possible. Then they all go home.)

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
I'm worried that audiences might see this flick as a ninety minute Nintendo commercial.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Frankly, I'm more concerned they'll realize it's nothing more than a watered-down, teenage clone of last year's Rain Man.

THE END

King Kong

Directed by: Peter Jackson
Starring: Naomi Watts, Adrian Brody, and Jack Black (who is not King Kong)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
Okay, we're going to do King Kong! And we're going to make it an epic tearjerking blockbuster!

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Excellent! Who's on board?

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
Academy Award Winner for Best Director, Peter Jackson...

UNIVERSAL EXEC 3
Great.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
...Academy Award Winner for Best Actor, Adrian Brody...

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Wonderful.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
...Acadamy Award Nominee for Best Actress, Naomi Watts...

UNIVERSAL EXEC 3
Fantastic!

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
...and Jack Black.

(Silence.)

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
What Acadamy Award did he win?

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
Err...none. But he was nominated for a golden globe.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 3
A golden globe? They're the Buzz Aldrin of film awards!

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Wait...we still might be okay.
(to Exec 1)
I assume you cast him in the comic sidekick part.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
Actually, we decided to give him the leading serious role.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Never mind. We're screwed.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(They cautiously film the movie, ever mindful of their casting blunder.)

JACK BLACK
I think—

(Suddenly, a bunch of savage natives show up.)

JACK BLACK (breaking "character")
Huh? Where'd they come from?

PRODUCERS
Just go with it.

(The actors fight the savage natives and win.)

JACK BLACK
As I was saying: I think—

(Suddenly, a bunch of velociraptors, T-Rexes and brontosauruses show up.)

JACK BLACK (breaking "character")
Is this Jurassic Park now?

PRODUCERS
Just go with it.

(The actors fight the velociraptors, T-Rexes and brontosauruses and win.)

JACK BLACK
We must keep—

(Suddenly, a bunch of giant bugs show up.)

JACK BLACK (breaking "character")
I'm sensing a pattern here.

PRODUCERS
Just go with it.

(The actors fight the giant bugs and win.)

JACK BLACK (breaking "character")
Can I finally say a line now?

PRODUCERS
No. We have to cut to our main plotline: Jimmy and his Token Black Guy Mentor.
(They do.)

JIMMY
Jeepers creepers, Mr. Black Guy Mentor: why is this book called Heart of Darkness?

TOKEN BLACK GUY MENTOR
Well you see, Jimmy, there's a heart in each of us. A heart of DARKNESS. In some, it's kept well hidden. But the darkness is still there, Jimmy, deep within our hearts. Restless. Trying to escape. And so we press forth in spite of this dark force within us in our feeble attempts to tame the HEART, if you will, of our DARKNESS.

OTHER ACTORS
What the hell? Isn't this movie supposed to be about a giant ape?

PRODUCERS
Oh right. How much time has passed already?

OTHER ACTORS
Like two hours.

PRODUCERS
Hmm. Guess we should bring him out soon then.

(King Kong shows up and falls in love with Naomi Watts. Naomi Watts falls in love with King Kong.)

JACK BLACK
It appears that—

PRODUCERS
Look! King Kong is attacking! No time to speak!

(There is a fight scene. The actors defeat King Kong, rendering him unconscious.)

ACTORS
Hooray!

FORREST GUMP JR.
Let's bring him to New York and put him on Broadway! Maybe we can finally bump out Phantom!

ACTORS
Hooray!

(They follow through with their plan, which goes horribly wrong. King Kong escapes and lays waste to the city.)

STEPHEN SPIELBERG (watching)
Pfft. Way to steal my oh-so-original plotline from The Lost World. Amateurs.

(King Kong is shot and killed, but not before making mental love with Naomi Watts.)

JACK BLACK (standing over the body)
T'was beauty who killed the—

PRODUCERS
Roll credits!

THE END

Cry_Wolf

Directed by: Some guy
Starring: Upper Class Brit Twit, Annoying Chick From The "Dawn Of The Dead" Remake, and Mr. Bon Jovi
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

UPPER CLASS BRIT TWIT
I'm new to this prep school. I hope it's good.

REDHEADED CHICK HE LIKES
It sucks. In fact, the only way we can escape our dismal lives is by playing a ridiculous "who done it" type game. Meet my group of diverse multicultural friends: Token Black Guy, his Hispanic Girlfriend, Smart Asian Chick and Token Badboy. Join us. We need a Token Foreign Guy.

(They all play a game that acts out like a nerdy murder mystery dinner theatre, except these are supposed to be the cool kids on campus.)

REDHEADED CHICK
This is boring. Let's expand the game to include the entire school. We'll pretend there's a serial killer stalking the student body.

AUDIENCE
Okay, whatever. Let's get on with it.

(They create and spread an elaborate urban legand about a serial killer who strikes at different prep schools.)

UPPER CLASS BRIT TWIT
Haha, this is so funny.

(Soon thereafter, some of the Multicultural Cast begin to mysteriously disappear. Could the legand be coming true???)

PROFESSOR JON BON JOVI
Of course not.

AUDIENCE
Jon Bon Jovi???

PROFESSOR JON BON JOVI
That's right. Now listen carefully, and I'll tell you what's really going on—
(gets shot by Brit Twit)

MULTICULTURAL CAST (show up)
Wow, we were just joshing with ya, Brit Twit. You took the joke too far.

REDHEADED CHICK
Good job, Brit Twit.

UPPER CLASS BRIT TWIT
Wait a minute... Was this entire game just a ploy to get me to kill your cheating lover, Bon Jovi?

REDHEADED CHICK
No way, well actually, yes.

PROFESSOR JON BON JOVI'S GHOST (shows up)
I got shot through the heart.

REDHEADED CHICK
And I'm to blame.

PROFESSOR JON BON JOVI'S GHOST
You give love a bad name.

AXL ROSE
Hell, y'all should've asked me. I would've done it for twenty bucks.

THE END

Mindhunters

Directed by: Renny "I ruined The Exorcist" Harlin
Starring: A bunch of people who die and LL Cool J
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

VAL KILMER (to his trainees)
You call yourselves criminal profilers? You suck! You're not fit for the FDA, much less the FBI. I'm sending you to Abandoned Island, where you'll have to solve a mock murder while simultaneously being cut off from all human contact, just like in real life.

CHRISTIAN SLATER
Is that really how the job works in real life?

VAL KILMER
Err...I have to make a call or something.
(runs off)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JONNY LEE MILLER (to the other trainees)
Boy, am I happy we all made it safely to Abandoned Island!

LL COOL J
Me too.

THE OTHERS
Whaa—?? Who are you?

LL COOL J
I work for the government. They sent me here to observe your progress.

KATHRYN MORRIS
Funny, you don't look like a government agent.

(LL Cool J puts on his sunglasses.)

KATHRYN MORRIS
I stand corrected.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The trainees come across a woman's body hanging in a store. Christian Slater touches something. This triggers a meticulously plotted chain reaction involving three thousand intricately positioned dominos, eighty specially sized ball-bearings and a giant Erector set, which ultimately succeeds in tipping over a small metal drum.)

CHRISTIAN SLATER
Big whoop.

(The drum contains liquid nitrogen.)

CHRISTIAN SLATER
Oh shit.

(The drum explodes and Christian Slater is blasted with liquid nitrogen, instantly freezes and then breaks apart into small pieces.)

CHRISTIAN SLATER (to Renny Harlin)
Whoa, whoa, whoa...you're telling me that I'm the first to die in this flick? What about these other posers?

CHRISTIAN SLATER'S AGENT (finally finishes reading the script)
Trust me, it's a gift from the gods.

(He escorts an unhappy Christian Slater off the set)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The trainees begin to die one by one. The time of each death is foretold by a small clock found near the previous victim's body.)

JONNY LEE MILLER
Okay, so as best as we can tell, there is a real killer on this island. Now, we searched the entire island and didn't find anyone, and it is not feasible that the killer is capable of changing hiding spots to thwart our searching efforts. Therefore, I conclude that the killer must be one of us.

KATHRYN MORRIS
I suspect Hispanic Sandra Bullock!

HISPANIC SANDRA BULLOCK
Fuck you, puta.

JONNY LEE MILLER
I suspect LL Cool J!

OTHER TRAINEES
Yeah, you're right, nice going, etc.

LL COOL J
Always gotta lay the blame on the black man, huh? Well, too bad cause I'm not the killer.

(He's right. This is proved by way of an elaborate and physically draining action sequence in which LL Cool J saves Crippled Trainee's life.)

CRIPPLED TRAINEE
Yay, LL Cool J saved my life!
(dies twenty minutes later)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

KATHRYN MORRIS
Okay, now all of us are dead except Jonny, LL and myself. Therefore, one of us must be the killer!

(There is much silent tension.)

ZOMBIFIED AUDIENCE
We give up.

(LL Cool J starts acting like the killer, so Jonny Lee Miller and Kathryn Morris beat him up and knock him out.)

JONNY LEE MILLER
Hooray, we caught the killer!

KATHRYN MORRIS
Not so fast. See, in my spare time, I set the wall clock back fifteen minutes and then painted its face with a li'l radioactive dye concoction. This dye should have stuck to the killer's hands when he subsequently reset the clock back to the correct time. We now can check who the real killer is by examining everyone's palms under this blacklight that I have in my hands right now for some reason.

(They do the test, which reveals Jonny Lee Miller is the killer.)

JONNY LEE MILLER
Muhahahahaha!!

KATHRYN MORRIS
When did you do it?

JONNY LEE MILLER
When you all were knocked out from the drugged coffee. Now do you want to know why I did it?

KATHRYN MORRIS
No, I still want to know when you did it. You're telling me that, in the span of a few hours, you (1) sawed off the head of Foreign Trainee; (2) drained all the blood from his body; (3) cleaned up; (4) used the blood to write a few thousand specific numbers on a wall; (5) tortured Val Kilmer and hung him from puppet strings in some warehouse on the other side of the island; (6) rigged the lights to malfunction and the water pipes to burst; (7) opened up every cigarette vending machine on the island and inserted into each a pack of smokes specially coated beforehand in an acid that does not harm paper but eats people alive; and (8) somehow set every said vending machine to dispense the deadly smokes at a precise time of your choosing.

JONNY LEE MILLER
Well, when you put it like that, of course it sounds dumb.

KATHRYN MORRIS
And what was with the dominos?

JONNY LEE MILLER
I really have no life.

(Jonny Lee Miller chases Kathryn Morris around the island until she is cornered. But LL Cool J shows up and saves her at the last second.)

LL COOL J
C'mon, was there any doubt?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Several months later. Christian Slater has just finished watching Mindhunters on pay-per-view.)

CHRISTIAN SLATER (to his agent)
Wow... Now I understand why I pay you the big bucks. But where were you when I signed on for Alone in the Dark??

THE END