The Lost World: Jurassic Park

Directed by: Steven Spielberg
Starring: 2 characters from the book, 137 characters from Steven Spielberg's mind, and numerous digital dinosaurs
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

STEVEN SPIELBERG FANS
Spielberg has never made a bad movie. We can't wait to see this!

MICHAEL CRICHTON FANS
The book "The Lost World" was great. We can't wait to see this!

EVIL WEALTHY CAPITALIST
Hello. I'm here because this movie needed a villain, and clearly the dinosaurs are the heroes.

ECO-TERRORIST
Hello. I'm supposed to be a good guy, but watch as every death and act of destruction can be traced back to me.

UGLY GAME HUNTER
Hello. I'm the big, bad game hunter. However, because of Mr. Speilberg's brazen aversion to guns, I will not fire a single shot.

JEFF GOLDBLUM'S DAUGHTER
Hello. I'm black.

MICHAEL CRICHTON FANS
What the...? Who're all these people?

STEVEN SPIELBERG FANS
Bah, who cares if he changed the book? We're sure the movie will be excellent.

(Eco-Terrorist releases all the caged dinosaurs, thereby destroying every piece of communications equipment on the island.)

AUDIENCE
Well that was stupid.

(Eco-Terrorist kidnaps a baby T-Rex, causing its parents to demolish their trailer and kill their mechanics expert.)

AUDIENCE
And that was really stupid.

(Eco-Terrorist secretly removes the bullets from Ugly Game Hunter's high-powered rifle, thereby eliminating the humans only defense against the rampaging dinos.)

AUDIENCE
Okay, we're nominating this guy for the Darwin Award.

(But everything is all right because Jeff Goldblum's daughter uses her gymnastic skills to kill the velociraptors.)

AUDIENCE
Could this movie get any worse?

(A T-Rex escapes to the mainland and lays waste to San Diego.)

AUDIENCE
It was supposed to be a rhetorical question.

THE END

Armageddon

Directed by: Michael Bay
Starring: Oil Drillers, Astronauts, Comedians, and a combination thereof
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BILLY BOB
An asteroid is on a collison course with Earth, a fragment of which just killed Mr. Cooper's dog.

NASA SCIENTISTS
Let's send burly yet comical oil drillers to plant a nuke beneath the asteroid's surface so we can split it in two.

BILLY BOB
Wouldn't it be easier to train astronauts to drill instead of training oil drillers to be astronauts?

NASA SCIENTISTS
No.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BRUCE WILLIS AND HIS GROUP OF RUFFIANS
Here we are.

BILLY BOB
Train to be astronauts.

(The drillers do so. They suck.)

PRETTY BOY DRILLER (to Bruce Willis)
I'm having sex with your daughter.

BRUCE WILLIS
I hate you. No I don't.

BILLY BOB
Okay, now you're ready to go into space.

(They're not.)

(The drillers/comedians/astronauts fly through outerspace in two shuttles that maneuver like F-15s.)

FUNNY RUSSIAN DRUNK (alone on the International Space Station)
Pick me up.

DRILLERS/COMEDIANS/ASTRONAUTS
Okay.

(They do. Five minutes later the space station blows up.)

DRILLERS/COMEDIANS/ASTRONAUTS
Oops. Oh well, now it's time to drill the asteroid.

(One of the space shuttles crashes.)

DRILLERS/COMEDIANS/ASTRONAUTS IN THE OTHER SHUTTLE
Don't worry, they were all expendable.

(Bruce Willis begins to drill.)

BRUCE WILLIS
Hey, this is harder than I thought.

PEOPLE ON EARTH
Oh no! Will they make it?!

SERIOUS ASTRONAUT
Looks like you can't do it. Let's detonate the nuke on the surface.

BRUCE WILLIS
No one criticizes my drill skills. Your skepticism has provided me with the determination to finish the job.

(He's right.)

SERIOUS ASTRONAUT
Oops, the batteries on the nuke's remote control just died. Someone will have to stay behind to push the big red button himself.

BRUCE WILLIS
I'll do it. But first I'll construct a small film studio so I can say goodbye to my daughter.

(He does. It is touching. The Drillers/Comedians/Astronauts take off, leaving him with the nuke. He blows the asteroid in two. Earth is saved.)

EVERYONE ON EARTH (before they possibly could have learned the news)
Hooray!!!

BILLY BOB (to NASA Scientists)
Hey when you all planned this mission, did any of you consider the fact that an asteroid spins in three dimensions?

NASA SCIENTISTS
No. But we'll cover this plothole with a panoramic hero shot of the survivors strutting in front of a sunset.

(They do, and it is beautiful.)

THE END

Bring It On

Starring: Competing cheerleading squads and eh...that's about it
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1ST SQUAD
We're white.

2ND SQUAD
We're black.

1ST SQUAD
We're rich.

2ND SQUAD
We're poor.

1ST SQUAD
We're suburbanites.

2ND SQUAD
We're city-dwellers.

1ST SQUAD
We're stereotypes.

2ND SQUAD
So are we.

(Ninety minutes and eighty-three handsprings later.)

1ST SQUAD
We're good.

2ND SQUAD
We're better.

THE END

Donnie Darko

Starring: Donnie Darko, Crack Rabbit, New Girlfriend, and a bunch of self-promoting cameos by Hollywood's B-list
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DONNIE DARKO
Hello. I'm a cool Gen-Xer in the year 1988. As you may gather from my name, I'm also quite disturbed. This makes me cooler.
(goes to sleep)

VOICE
Donnie, get your ass up.

(Donnie sleepwalks to a golf course and encounters Bugs Bunny on Crack.)

BUGS BUNNY ON CRACK
In 28 days the world will end.

DONNIE DARKO
Well that's depressing... I like it!
(walks home)
Hey look, while I was gone a jet engine fell on my bed.

(The next day...)

BUGS BUNNY ON CRACK
Flood the school.

DONNIE DARKO
Okay.

(He floods the school. Later:)

BUGS BUNNY ON CRACK
Burn down Patrick Swayze's house.

DONNIE DARKO
Okay.

(He burns down Patrick Swayze's house. Later:)

BUGS BUNNY ON CRACK
Have passionate sex with your new girlfriend.

DONNIE DARKO
Okay!

(He has wild animal sex with New Girlfriend.)

DONNIE DARKO
Isn't anyone going to tell me what these freaky tunnels coming out of everybody's chests are?

MULDER
No.

DONNIE DARKO
Oh well. New Girlfriend, come with me to visit the crazy old lady who lives down the street.

NEW GIRLFRIEND
Sure.

(They walk down the street. Bugs Bunny On Crack runs over New Girlfriend in his car, killing her.)

DONNIE DARKO
Not cool, man.
(shoots the Crack Rabbit)
Ok, now what...? Oh yeah, stop the world from ending.

(He drives to a hilltop and stares at the sky, which apparently fixes everything. He wakes up in his bed, 28 days earlier.)

DONNIE DARKO
Ah, everything is back to normal.

(A jet engine falls on his bed, splattering him. We see a montage featuring a very post-1980s cover of Tears For Fears.)

DONNIE'S FAMILY (outside the house, gawking at the wreckage)
Oh no! Poor Donnie...

(From across the street, New Girlfriend stops her bike and observes the scene. She waves tenderly to Mrs. Darko, who sees her.)

MRS. DARKO
Thanks, kid. That makes it all better.

THE END

The Fugitive

Starring: Federal Marshal Tommy Lee Jones, Dr. Harrison Ford, other federal marshals and other doctors, including Evil Foreign Doctor
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DR. HARRISON FORD
I didn't kill my wife. A one-armed man did it.

EVERYONE ELSE
Suuuuure... Now go to jail.

(Dr. Harrison Ford packs into a prison transport headed for San Quentin, which apparently requires the crossing of an active rail line. In a shocking series of events, a train slams into the van, tossing it aside and allowing Dr. Harrison Ford to escape.)

DR. HARRISON FORD
Woot, woot!

FEDERAL MARSHAL TOMMY LEE JONES
Hold it!

DR. HARRISON FORD
I didn't kill my wife.

FEDERAL MARSHAL TOMMY LEE JONES
Whatever.

(Dr. Harrison Ford jumps off a cliff into the river below.)

FEDERAL MARSHAL TOMMY LEE JONES
That...I wasn't expecting.

(Dr. Harrison Ford surfaces downstream. He shaves his beard and turns into Lt. Columbo.)

DR. HARRISON FORD (examining documents)
Aha! So Evil Foreign Doctor is the murderer!

EVIL FOREIGN DOCTOR
That's right. But if you were observant, the fact that I speak with a nondescript foreign accent would have triggered your suspicions from the very beginning.

(They fight in a dry cleaners. Dr. Harrison Ford wins.)

DR. HARRISON FORD
Hooray!

FEDERAL MARSHAL TOMMY LEE JONES
Sorry I tried to blow your head off before. Here, have an ice pack.

THE END

Titanic

Directed by: James Cameron
Starring: Evil Rich White People, Good Poor Immigrants, Idiotic Crew Members, and an iceberg
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SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
I'm rich, upper-class, and white. Woe is me...

MEAN CAPITALIST FIANCE
I'm also rich, upper-class, and white. But I enjoy my advantaged existence, so I must be evil. You, Sappy Drama Queen, grovel at my feet and pay homage to my greatness.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO PLAYING LEONARDO DICAPRIO AS A POOR MAN
I'm a poor criminal... My life rules!

ALL THREE
Hey, there's a big ship. Let's get on it.

(They do.)

SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
Oh, I am so misunderstood!
(readies to throw herself overboard)

LEO DICAPRIO PLAYING LEO DICAPRIO AS A POOR MAN
Don't do that. Instead, join my side of society. We're not rich, and we party 24/7.

SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
Rock on.

(She descends with him to E-Deck and they party hard.)

THE UNSINKABLE KATHY BATES
Hello. I'm rich too. But I am "new money", so I'm not evil. Plus, I crack jokes belittling my social equals. Hey Leo Playing Poor Leo, join us in the first class dining room for some of my funny antics. I have a good joke about forks I want you to hear.

LEO DICAPRIO PLAYING LEO DICAPRIO AS A POOR MAN
Thanks for inviting me to dinner, everyone.

MEAN CAPITALIST FIANCE
No problem. But when we're done, be sure to promptly return below to the rest of your filth and grime.

SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
How COULD you?!
(runs away with Leo Dicaprio Playing Leo DiCaprio as a Poor Man)

MEAN CAPITALIST FIANCE
I'm so mean, I'm oblivious to my own evil. Therefore, I'll assume they ran off because the food was subpar.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LOOKOUT 1
Iceberg dead ahead!

LOOKOUT 2
Iceberg dead ahead?!

1ST OFFICER MURDOCH
Iceberg dead ahead!

CAPTAIN
Iceberg?

1ST OFFICER MURDOCH
Yes, sir.

CAPTAIN
Where?

1ST OFFICER MURDOCH
Dead ahead.

CAPTAIN
Ah yes, there it is.
(The Titanic crashes into it.)
See, this is why I don't parallel park.

1ST OFFICER MURDOCH
Oh no, we're taking on water!

CAPTAIN
Silly, officer. This ship is unsinkable.

THOMAS ANDREWS
Actually...wrong.
(proceeds to belittle the crew for their nominal intelligence)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The sappy lovers' sexual romp is interrupted by the crash.)

LEO DICAPRIO PLAYING LEO DICAPRIO AS A POOR MAN (to Sappy Drama Queen)
The ship's sinking! Quick, let's get to a lifeboat!

MEAN CAPITALIST FIANCE (watching)
Grrr, I'm so jealous!!!
(whips out his pistol and goes postal)
I'm shooting at my fiancee! See how evil I am!

(The sappy lovers retreat to D-Deck and swim to the other side of the ship.)

LEO DICAPRIO PLAYING LEO DICAPRIO AS A POOR MAN
Here's a lifeboat. Get on it.

SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
No. I've only known you for 48 hours, but I want to die with you.

LEO DICAPRIO PLAYING LEO DICAPRIO AS A POOR MAN
Yeah, I get that a lot.

MEAN CAPITALIST FIANCEE
Hmm, I haven't done anything evil in awhile...
(picks up a crying child, pretends to be his father, and gains access to a lifeboat)
That'll do nicely.

(The ship sinks.)

SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN (lying on a piece of floating driftwood)
Where did you go?!

LEO DICAPRIO PLAYING LEO DICAPRIO AS A POOR MAN
Here I am, bobbing precariously in the subzero water.

SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
Are you mad at me?

LEO DICAPRIO PLAYING LEO DICAPRIO AS A POOR MAN
Why, because if you had gotten on that lifeboat like I told you I could be the one lying safely on that piece of driftwood? Nah... Just do me one favor. Never let go.

SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
I won't.

(She lets go.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OLD SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
...and that's the whole story.

BILL PAXTON
Jesus Christ, lady, I only asked you about the diamond.

OLD SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
Oh, yes. Well, you can't have it. In a few minutes I plan to throw it into the ocean as a testament of my undying love.

BILL PAXTON
How is that a testament of anything?

OLD SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
Quiet, whippersnapper, or I'll break out the cod liver oil.

THE END

The Blair Witch Project

Directed by: Who the hell knows
Starring: Who the hell cares
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AUDIENCE
We can't wait to see this movie! The buzz is it stands out as the hallmark of intelligent horror. And it's based on a true story!

(Movie begins.)

CHICK CAMPER
I'm a single female who'll be spending the night in the woods to do a documentary on the Blair Witch. Who wants to tag along?

STONER CAMPER
Me.

FAT CAMPER
Me.

(Chick Camper begins interviewing many different people of the town. One of the guy campers films it. The other guy camper does absolutely nothing.)

AUDIENCE
We're sure this exposition is going to build up to something terrifying! Pass the popcorn.

(The campers spend the night in the woods. A twig falls on their tent, waking them.)

CAMPERS
Ahhhh! What the fuck was that?!

AUDIENCE
A twig.

CHICK CAMPER
Quick! Get the camera and swing it around wildly!

(They leave their tent and start running in circles.)

CHICK CAMPER
Ahhh! This is so scary!

(As the days pass, repeat ad nauseum.)

CHICK CAMPER
Why can't we find our way out of the woods?

FAT CAMPER
Perhaps it's because a few hours ago I tossed our map in some stream.

CHICK CAMPER
Why the fuck did you do that?

FAT CAMPER
Obviously, I'm a mental midget.

(They spend yet another night in the woods.)

FAT CAMPER (wakes up)
Hey, what happened to Stoner Camper?

CHICK CAMPER
I dunno.

(They wander around aimlessly. The sun sets and they...spend another night in the woods.)

AUDIENCE
We're seeing a pattern here.

(In the middle of the night another twig falls on their tent, waking them.)

CHICK CAMPER
Oh no!! Let's run into this abandoned house!!

FAT CAMPER
Ah, this is scary!!
(gets knocked out from behind)

CHICK CAMPER
Fat camper, where did you go?! Oh there you are, standing eerily in the dark corner like a psychopath. Wait a second...
(gets knocked out from behind)

AUDIENCE
Projectionist! The movie stopped!

PROJECTIONIST
It's over, you dolts!

AUDIENCE
We paid $9 a head for that? That's like $0.50 for every sound of a twig snapping.

DIRECTOR
True, but they were some damn expensive twigs.

THE END

Sphere

Directed by: Barry Levinson
Starring: Dr. Rainman, Sexy Blonde Scientist, Samuel L. Fucking Jackson, Scary Government Spook, and Queen Latifah (no, seriously)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
Hello, Dr. Rainman. Do you know why you're here in a laboratory at the bottom of the sea?

DR. RAINMAN
Definitely, definitely a plane crash.

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK.
Actually it's a space craft.

DR. RAINMAN
United crashed four times since 1989.

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
Uh, ok, but this is a spaceship crash.

DR. RAINMAN
E.T. was filmed in 1981.

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
Um...maybe I should try some of you other experts. What about you, Sexy Blonde Scientist?

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST
I view the spaceship as a giant phallis that has penetrated the ocean's virginity.

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
Uh...

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Actually, and since I'm the only one here who appears to possess a smigeon of scientific knowledge, allow me to point out that the submerged ship couldn't have crashed into the water from the air because it's still structurally intact. Therefore, the sum of my academic insight suggests to me that the ship magically appeared at the bottom of the sea.

DR. RAINMAN
Definitely, definitely appeared.

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
But we're four thousand feet below the surface!

DR. RAINMAN
Three thousand eighty-six feet, nine inches.

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
Enough of this...let's just board the damn thing.

(They do.)

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Look at this, an empty condom wrapper...in English. This must be an American spaceship that travelled back in time.

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST
Either that or Trojan has decided to outsource across the galaxy.

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
Look at this, a giant gold sphere.

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Cool.
(disappears)

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
What the...? Where'd he go?

DR. RAINMAN
Inside the sphere, definitely inside the sphere.

(An hour later, back in the their underwater laboratory...)

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Hello, everyone. I'm back from the inside the sphere. Notice my eerily subdued demeanor.

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
Look. The computer is writing to us.

COMPUTER
Hello. How are you? My name is Jerry. I am your friend. I will kill you now.

(The laboratory is attacked by a giant squid. Dr. Rainman squeals like a dying pig.)

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
Jerry, stop!
(killed from falling debris)

(All commotion stops.)

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST
What the hell just happened?

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Looks like the sphere attacked us.

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST
We should surface.

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Can't. There's a scary hurricane going on up there.

(Time passes. They become paranoid.)

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST (to Samuel L. Fucking Jackson)
You’re insane.

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON (to Sexy Blonde Scientist)
No, you’re insane.

DR. RAINMAN
Are you taking any prescription medication?

COMPUTER VOICE
Ten minutes to demolition.

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Demolition? How the hell did that happen?

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST
Because after we went inside the sphere we all gained the power to manifest our fears, and I have a fear of standing near exploding shrapnel.

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Wait, when did you two go inside the sphere?

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST
I assume it was during one of the several extended moments in the second act when the audience fell asleep.

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Well, we have to drive the emergency escape sub to the surface.

DR. RAINMAN
I’m an excellent driver.

(They swim to the escape sub.)

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST
How much time do we have left, Doctor?

DR. RAINMAN
Uh-oh. Only five minutes 'til Wapner.

(Sexy Blonde Scientist maneuvers the sub to the surface, successfully evading the explosion. The hurricane has conveniently dissapated.)

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Hey, we made it. Now we all must agree to forget any of this ever happened, ok?

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST
You mean the sphere?

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
No, I mean the fact that we took part in this movie. We've all had pretty decent film careers up until this point. If we can ignore the existence of this dud, we just might survive it.

ALL 4 PEOPLE REMAINING IN THE THEATRE
Definitely, definitely a bomb.

THE END

12 Angry Men

Starring: A bunch of angry men (twelve to be exact)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The jurors assemble in the deliberation room to decide the fate of a young man on trial for murder.)

FOREMAN
Let's take a vote. What do you all think? I say, guilty.

JUROR 2
Guilty.

JUROR 3
Guilty.

JUROR 4
Guilty.

JUROR 5
Guilty.

JUROR 6
Guilty.

JUROR 7
Guilty.

JUROR 9
Guilty.

JUROR 10
Guilty.

JUROR 11
Guilty.

JUROR 12
Guilty.

FOREMAN
Okay, that takes care of that...wait a minute, what about you, Juror 8?

JUROR 8
Not guilty.

OTHER JURORS
*grumble, grumble*

(Sixty minutes later.)

FOREMAN
Time for another vote. I say, not guilty.

JUROR 2
Not guilty.

JUROR 4
Not guilty.

JUROR 5
Not guilty.

JUROR 6
Not guilty.

JUROR 7
Not guilty.

JUROR 8
Not guilty.

JUROR 9
Not guilty.

JUROR 10
Not guilty.

JUROR 11
Not guilty.

JUROR 12
Not guilty.

FOREMAN
All right, great, let's tell the judge we're rea— Wait a second, what about you, Juror 3?

JUROR 3
Guilty.

OTHER JURORS
You are old, mean, and not as charming as Henry Fonda. Therefore, we will badger you until you change your vote.

JUROR 3
In that case, not guilty.

MARK GERAGOS, F. LEE BAILEY & THE GHOST OF JOHNNIE COCHRAN
Hooray!!!

THE END

Bram Stoker's Dracula

Directed by: Francis Ford Coppola
Starring: Stoned "British" Guy, Count Shakespeare, Sexually-Repressed Victorian Female, Sexually-Explicit Victorian Female, Bug Muncher, Bug Muncher's Doctor, 19th Century Hannibal Lector, Cowboy, Uptight British Guy, and Pointy-Teeth Prostitutes
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

COUNT SHAKESPEARE
Thou art welcome in my castle, Mr. Harker.

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Wild, man. This is trippy.

COUNT SHAKESPEARE
Thou must be hungry from thou journey. Come, eat.

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Yeah, I've got the munchies bad.

(As he eats, he unknowingly pricks himself with his steak knife.)

COUNT SHAKESPEARE
Ah...thou hath cut thouself...

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Thanks for the heads-up. I've smoked away all the sensation above my waist.

(Count Shakespeare drops to his knees and begins to lap at the blood dripping on the floor.)

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Uh...

COUNT SHAKESPEARE
Ah, excuse me. This is customary in my country. Now, I must retire for I hath dined already. Thou may explore the castle at will but be surest not to hath sex with any pointy-teeth prostitutes.
(leaves)

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Whoa...how'd he know 'bout that chick in Nevada?

(He falls asleep. Pointy-Teeth Prostitutes show up.)

POINTY-TEETH PROSTITUTES
Mmm...Keanu Reeves.

(They advance on him, kissing him all over his body. He wakes up.)

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Best. Acid flashback. Ever.

COUNT SHAKESPEARE (appears)
How dare thou touch him! He is mine! Here, thou may feast on this baby.

(They do.)

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Okay, that is just wrong. I gotta peace out.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
I am ever so worried about Jonathan. He hasn't written for weeks.

SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT VICTORIAN FEMALE
I just fucked three different guys at once.

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
Lucy!

SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT VICTORIAN FEMALE
Mina, you're such a prude. Now if you'll excuse me, it's the middle of the night and I feel like taking a leisurely beachside stroll alone in just a nightgown. Adieu.

(She does and is raped by Count Shakespeare in wolf form.)

PRUDES IN AUDIENCE
Bestiality!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BUG MUNCHER'S DOCTOR (to Bug Muncher)
Is your bug eating a result of watching too much "Fear Factor"?

ATTENDANT
Doctor, Miss Lucy is sick.

(Bug Muncher's Doctor calls 19th Century Hannibal Lector. They observe the ill Sexually-Explicit Victorian Female.)

19TH CENTURY HANNIBAL LECTOR
Look at the marks on her neck. Someone has dined on her, likely with fava beans and a nice chianti...
(licks lips)

(Ten minutes later.)

BUG MUNCHER'S DOCTOR
How is she now?

19TH CENTURY HANNIBAL LECTOR
She's dead. Well, actually, she is undead. Therefore, we must cut off her head and feast on her liver.

BUG MUNCHER'S DOCTOR
What?!

19TH CENTURY HANNIBAL LECTOR
I mean...we must cut off her head and drive a stake through her heart.

BUG MUNCHER'S DOCTOR
Oh ok.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Sexually-Repressed Victorian Female retrieves Stoned "British" Guy from a hospital. His hair has turned completely white.)

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
What happened to your hair?! Is this because of the fright you've experienced during your trip?

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Nah, I just smoked some bad shrooms on the way back.

(They arrive home.)

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
Where's Lucy?

BUG MUNCHER'S DOCTOR
Hmm? Oh, we cut off her head and drove a stake through her heart.

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
I need some air.

(She goes into town.)

COUNT SHAKESPEARE
My apologizes, Miss, but thou lookest as my former wife.

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
How sweet! Let's have an affair.

(They do.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Yo Mina, have you been kickin' it with a vampire?

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
No...

BUG MUNCHER'S DOCTOR
Then why are those marks on your neck?

19TH CENTURY HANNIBAL LECTOR
She's become the devils concubine!
(begins to hump her leg)

COUNT SHAKESPEARE (appearing)
Begone! She is mine, and thou art fools!

19TH CENTURY HANNIBAL LECTOR
We have descecrated your coffins! You are no longer welcome here!

COUNT SHAKESPEARE
No!!!!! Then I shall return to my castle.

(He does. The British upper class chases him.)

19TH CENTURY HANNIBAL LECTOR
There he is, lying in his coffin! Stake him!

(Bug Muncher's Doctor drives the stake.)

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
Nooooo!! I wanted him to take my virginity!

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Heh, apparently you forget the night I gave you that double shot of schnapps.

(Sexually-Repressed Victorian Female drags Count Shakespeare's body into the castle.)

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
I will remain with you for the rest of your life.

COUNT SHAKESPEARE
Thanks.
(dies)

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
Ah, crap...

THE END

Thirteen

Starring: Rebellious 13-Year-Old Girls and their Single Moms
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

INNOCENT GIRL
I'm tired of being made fun of in school.

GIRL FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS
Then come hang out with me and my friends.

(She does. Now they are dressing as sluts.)

GIRL FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS
This is how you get a boy to like you.
(goes down on him)

INNOCENT GIRL
Cool.

AUDIENCE (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Uh...

GIRL FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS
Now let's do drugs.

INNOCENT GIRL
Okay.

(They get high and cat-fight with each other, then begin to kiss.)

AUDIENCE (shifts again)
Um...

INNOCENT GIRL'S SINGLE MOM
What are you doing? Didn't I raise you not to do drugs, sleep around, and engage in lesbianism?

INNOCENT GIRL
Mom, you're so lame. This is what all the cool girls do. By the way, my new friend here is moving in.

INNOCENT GIRL'S SINGLE MOM
I can't handle this by myself! Where's your father?

INNOCENT GIRL'S DEADBEAT DAD
Here I am. I'll show up for just long enough to establish my futility... Okay, that should do it. See ya.

INNOCENT GIRL (to Good Friends)
Hi, guys.

GOOD FRIENDS
Go away.

INNOCENT GIRL
Oh no, I've lost all my good friends. Maybe being popular isn't what it's cracked up to be.

GIRL FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS
Uh oh, my mom found out we've been stealing. Oh well, I'll just blame it all on you.

INNOCENT GIRL
I see now I should have been myself. Now I have no one.

INNOCENT GIRL'S SINGLE MOM
No, dear, you have me.

(They hug.)

AUDIENCE
We can't decide: indie film or thinly-veiled Lifetime afterschool special?

THE END

Field of Dreams

Directed by: Phil Alden Robinson
Starring: Kevin Costner, James Earl Jones, and a bunch of dead baseball players
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

VOICE
If you build it, he will come.

KEVIN COSTNER
Build what? Oh wait, maybe you mean a baseball field.

(He builds a baseball field on his farm and dead baseball players show up.)

VOICE
Go the distance.

KEVIN COSTNER
Go where? Oh wait, maybe you mean across the country.

(He drives across the country in his hippie van.)

VOICE
Ease his pain.

KEVIN COSTNER
Ease whose pain? Oh wait, maybe you mean James Earl Jones.

(He brings James Earl Jones to his baseball field.)

KEVIN COSTNER'S DEAD FATHER
Hi.

KEVIN COSTNER
Dad? Oh, so you were the one the voice was talking about. Then...why did all these dead baseball players show up?

DEAD BASEBALL PLAYERS
Don't ask us.

THE END

Cruel Intentions

Starring: Sluts, Virgins, and Token Black Guy
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SLUT BOY
Fuck me.

EVERY GIRL IN THE MOVIE EXCEPT SLUT GIRL AND CUTE VIRGIN
Okay.

(They shag.)

SLUT GIRL
Hey Slut Boy, I'll let you screw me if you screw Cute Virgin first.

SLUT BOY
Two more sexual romps? How can I say no?
(approaches Cute Virgin)
Fuck me.

CUTE VIRGIN
Buzz off.

SLUT BOY
What?! Have I lost my slut powers? Hmm...this may take a tad more creativity on my part.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SLUT GIRL
Now Dumbass Virgin, I'm going to personally teach you how to French kiss.

DUMBASS VIRGIN
Why?

SLUT GIRL
Because we're over-budget and have to lock in the male 13-26 crowd.

(They kiss. It is hot.)

DUMBASS VIRGIN
Oooh la la! When I grow up, I want to be a slut just like you.

SLUT GIRL
Why wait? You can start today. Go fuck Slut Boy and Token Black Guy. That surely will create some drama to entertain me through my life of perpetual boredom.

DUMBASS VIRGIN
Tee-hee!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SLUT BOY
See how sensitive and responsive I've been to your wants and needs?

CUTE VIRGIN (sniff)
I was wrong about you. I want us to spend the rest of our lives together. Let's consumate our future marriage with a physical showing of our love for each other.

SLUT BOY
Huh?

CUTE VIRGIN
Let's fuck.

SLUT BOY
Oh, okay.

(They shag.)

CUTE VIRGIN
That was great.

SLUT BOY
Yeah... By the way, I just used you for sex.

CUTE VIRGIN
Prick!

(She kicks him out. He returns home.)

SLUT BOY (to Slut Girl)
Okay, I did Cute Virgin. Now drop your drawers.

SLUT GIRL
Haha, I was just kidding. Now I will take twisted amusement in the fact that you threw away your one chance at true love.

SLUT BOY
This sucks.
(goes back to Cute Virgin's house)
Hi.

CUTE VIRGIN
Prick!

(Slut Boy wonders into a random busy intersection. Token Black Guy shows up and they fight. Slut Boy is hit by a semitruck. Cute Virgin rushes over.)

CUTE VIRGIN (to Slut Boy's mangled corpse)
I really did love you, Slut Boy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SLUT GIRL (at Slut Boy's funeral)
I'm so hot, even at a funeral. I'm invincible.

(Cute Virgin distributes embarassing propaganda about Slut Girl to all in attendance.)

SLUT GIRL
Noooooooooooooooooo!!!
(explodes)

AUDIENCE OVER 18
Meh...this was just a rehash of "Dangerous Liasons", which in itself was based on some French book.

AUDIENCE UNDER 18
What an original movie! We hope it wins an Oscar.

THE END

Disclosure

Written by: The same guy who wrote...Jurassic Park?
Starring: Michael Douglas, Demi Moore, and...Dennis Miller?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Hey look, my ex-girlfriend Demi Moore is now my new boss. Don't you think that's strange, Dennis?

DENNIS MILLER
What the fuck am I doing in this movie?

DEMI MOORE
Hello, Michael. I'd like to have a private meeting with you in my office tonight. Dress comfortably...that is if you choose to dress at all.
(leaves)

DENNIS MILLER
Damn...given the chance, I'd be all over her like Michael Moore on a burrito. Definitely bangable. Of course, that's just my opinion; I could be wrong.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DEMI MOORE (in her office with Michael Douglas)
Thanks for coming. Let's skip the pleasantries.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Um, you're unbuttoning my pants.

DEMI MOORE
Yep.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS
I can't do this!

DEMI MOORE
Why not? Aren't I hotter than your wife? Did you turn gay?

MICHAEL DOUGLAS
I don't know the answers to these questions. I must go.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SNIVELING IN-HOUSE LAWYER
Hey Michael, Demi Moore is suing you for sexual harassment.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS
What? But she sexually harassed me.

SNIVELING IN-HOUSE LAWYER
Hah, that's a good one. What middle-aged man would refuse Demi Moore's advances?

MICHAEL DOUGLAS
I did.

SNIVELING IN-HOUSE LAWYER
Are you gay?

MICHAEL DOUGLAS
I don't know.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MICHAEL DOUGLAS'S CHICK LAWYER
It's a good thing we found that secret recording that inadvertantly taped Demi Moore's conversation with you that night. Otherwise the plot of this movie couldn't have advanced.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS
True, but I don't think this is over yet. Let me change into my virtual reality self and do some more investigating.

AUDIENCE
Wait...whaaat?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

VIRTUAL REALITY MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Oh no! There's Virtual Reality Demi Moore! She's trying to erase company records to set me up. There's only one way to fix this: I have to call India.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DEMI MOORE
Michael, I just told everyone you're a terrible worker.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Oh yeah? Well take a look at this.
(shows the company a tape of Demi Moore being a terrible worker)

DEMI MOORE
Nooooooooo!! Oh well, you haven't seen the last of me.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS
I think the possibility of a sequel being made to this film is remote at best.

DEMI MOORE
Nevertheless, saying it makes my character sound cool.

THE END

Saving Private Ryan

Directed by: Steven Spielberg
Starring: Forrest Gump With A Machine Gun, Army Grunts, Evil Germans, and Matt Damon
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(U.S. Troops land on Omaha Beach and fight Evil Germans. Both sides suffer heavy losses.)

FORREST GUMP WITH A MACHINE GUN
Listen up you grunts in my squad, I've been assigned to retrieve some private stationed deep behind enemy lines. It won't be an easy mission. It's gonna be violent, it's gonna be painful, and it's gonna be exhausting...so who wants to come with?

(Silence.)

FORREST GUMP WITH A MACHINE GUN
Well too fucking bad, you're all coming. That's right, you just heard Forrest Gump say fuck.

(The squad advances through the French countryside. They start getting killed off one by one.)

PUSSY SOLDIER
Hey, this is like a Friday the 13th flick.

TOUGH SOLDIER WHO ISN'T VIN DIESEL
All right, I've had just about enough. Where's this guy we're supposed to save?

MATT DAMON
You mean me?

TOUGH SOLDIER WHO ISN'T VIN DIESEL
You gotta be kidding. We lost half our squad to save Matt fucking Damon?

BEN AFFLECK (appearing)
Look on the bright side; it could've been me!

MATT DAMON
So why'd you all come?

FORREST GUMP WITH A MACHINE GUN
You're lucky. You get to go home because your three brothers were horribly killed in combat. Oops...I think my cold, wartime persona just kicked in again.

MATT DAMON
Well if they're all dead then I have no reason to go back, so I'm staying to help defend this bridge.

REMAINDER OF FORREST GUMP'S SQUAD (grumbling)
Prick...

(The squad stays and fights alongside Matt Damon to halt the Evil German offensive. They're outnumbered 200:1 and they all die except Matt Damon and Pussy Soldier.)

AUDIENCE
Great, the two most annoying guys survived.

(The movie advances to present day. We see a much older Matt Damon kneeling at the graves of the fallen squad.)

AUDIENCE
Well if there's any consolation, it's that Matt Damon is going to turn into one butt-ugly old man.

THE END

Independence Day

Directed by: Roland Emmerich
Starring: Fresh Prince, Fresh Prince's Stripper Girlfriend, Jewish TV Repairman, Jewish TV Repairman's Jewish Father, Boring President, Alcoholic Comedian, and A Very Gay Harvey Fierstein
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A VERY GAY HARVEY FIERSTEIN
Why's there all this television interference?

JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
Maybe it has something to do with those 15-mile wide alien space ships over our heads.

A VERY GAY HARVEY FIERSTEIN
Oh Lord, what should we do?

JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
Well, according to my APPLE POWERBOOK LAPTOP, the aliens are transmitting a countdown signal.

A VERY GAY HARVEY FIERSTEIN
Wow, you can figure all this out but you still can't get me free HBO. What a world...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ALCOHOLIC COMEDIAN
Haha, look here. I'm the stock alcoholic who's wasted away his life and now lives a pathetic existence in a trailer-park. Please laugh at me.

ALCOHOLIC COMEDIAN'S ILLEGITIMATE SON
Look, spaceships!

ALCOHOLIC COMEDIAN
Oh God, the aliens have come back for me! Wait...why should I be nervous? Finally something has come to put an end to my monotonous daily routine of flying my cropduster while binge drinking.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BORING PRESIDENT
Hmm...aliens. Well, I'm sure they'll be peaceful.

(The aliens start blowing up shit.)

BORING PRESIDENT
Okay, that's enough for me. Let's high-tail Air Force One out of here.

JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
Hi. I just wanted to tell you that the aliens are bad.

BORING PRESIDENT
Well, duh.

JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
I was also hoping my dad and I could hitch a ride with you. And in the process perhaps I could reunite with my former wife, your current Press Secretary.

AUDIENCE
His former wife? Sure... We'd believe the alien plot-line before we'd buy that.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FRESH PRINCE
I'm anxious to whoop E.T.'s ass!*

GENERIC FIGHTERPILOTS
Yeah!

(All the fighterpilots including Fresh Prince get involved in air combat with the aliens. Every pilot except Fresh Prince dies.)

FRESH PRINCE
Wow, that was close. Thankfully I survived. Otherwise, my girlfriend might have had to support herself by stripping. Oh wait, she already does.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TRIGGER-HAPPY SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
Nuke 'em! Nuke em!

(They nuke the aliens. It has no effect.)

TRIGGER-HAPPY SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
Nuke 'em again! Nuke 'em again!

BORING PRESIDENT
No. We only nuked them the first time to demonstrate to the audience the futility of nuclear weapons.

JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
Well now what are we going to do?

JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN'S JEWISH FATHER
I know I'm only here for the occasional funny Jewish quip, but how about we fly that alien saucer in Area 51 to the mother ship and wreck some havoc?

BORING PRESIDENT
Who the hell's going to fly that?

FRESH PRINCE
I will.

BORING PRESIDENT
Who are you?

FRESH PRINCE
No time to explain.

BORING PRESIDENT
Fair enough.

JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
I'll come with you. I'll use my APPLE POWERBOOK LAPTOP to upload a computer virus into the alien's central processor, thereby disabling all their communications and defenses.

BORING PRESIDENT
You can do that?

JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
Not with an IBM Thinkpad. But with an APPLE POWERBOOK LAPTOP it'll be a piece of cake.

(Fresh Prince and Jewish TV Repairman fly the alien saucer to the mother-ship and disable its technology.)

BORING PRESIDENT
All right, time for me to personally shoot these suckers down. See, I'm not so boring after all.

(Boring President joins Alcoholic Comedian and the other fighter-pilots in fully equpped F-15s. They fight the aliens and win. Everyone is happy. There are fireworks. Fresh Prince marries his stripper girlfriend and Jewish TV Repairman is reunited with his former wife.)

APPLE SPOKESPERSON
We hope you enjoyed Independence Day. Please note how our APPLE POWERBOOK LAPTOP was used to save the world. Thank you and have a nice night.

THE END

* This line has not been altered from its film counterpart.

Mulholland Dr.

Directed by: David Lynch
Starring: Two hot chicks and some very odd people
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HOT BRUNETTE
I think I was in a car accident, but I lost my memory.

HOT BLONDE
I'll help you figure out who you are.

(A bunch of crazy shit begins to happen.)

COWBOY
Yee-haw!

AUDIENCE
What the fuck is going on?

(Hot Brunette takes off her clothes.)

HOT BRUNETTE
Make out with me.

HOT BLONDE
All right.

(They start making out.)

AUDIENCE
Whoa, a lesbian scene! Who'da thunk it?

(A whole bunch of crazier shit happens. We think people die, but we're not sure.)

FILM SNOBS (lying)
Aha, we get it.

AUDIENCE
We don't. But there were hot, naked lesbians, so the movie must be genius.

THE END

A Few Good Men

Directed by: Rob Reiner
Starring: Multiple JAG officers, a couple soldier murderers, and a Scary Colonel
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

COM. DEMI MOORE, ESQ.
Hey, you've been assigned to represent two privates accused of murder.

LT. TOM CRUISE, ESQ.
Okay. By the way, you're hot.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LT. TOM CRUISE, ESQ.
Why did you kill that guy?

SOLDIER MURDERERS
We were ordered to give him a code red.

COM. DEMI MOORE, ESQ.
Hmm...this sounds interesting. Let's investigate it further.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LT. KEVIN BACON, ESQ.
I'm the prosecutor. You should give up.

LT. TOM CRUISE, ESQ.
I should hate you because you represent the bad side, but you also play softball with me, so I'm conflicted.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LT. TOM CRUISE, ESQ.
Hey, I found our missing witness.

COM. DEMI MOORE, ESQ.
That's good.

LT. TOM CRUISE, ESQ.
But he blew his brains out all over the wall.

COM. DEMI MOORE, ESQ.
That's bad.

LT. TOM CRUISE, ESQ.
We should give up.

COM. DEMI MOORE, ESQ.
Wait. Let's call Scary Colonel to the stand and make him confess.

LT. TOM CRUISE, ESQ.
That's a really dumb idea, but you're hot so it's okay.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LT. TOM CRUISE, ESQ.
Scary Colonel, I want the truth!

COL. JACK NICHOLSON
You can't handle the truth!
(pause)
Well, that's all from me. Can I collect my paycheck and Oscar now?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JURY
We find the defendants not guilty.

LT. TOM CRUISE, ESQ.
Hey, we won. So...what message does that send?

COM. DEMI MOORE, ESQ.
That it's okay to kill someone if you're stupid.

LT. TOM CRUISE, ESQ.
Just checking. Let's make out.

THE END

The Ring

Directed by: The same guy who directed Pirates of the Carribean
Starring: MILF Reporter, Movie Geek Ex-Boyfriend, Creepy Son, and Scary Little Girl
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TEENAGE CHICK 1
Hey, have you heard of that tape that kills you seven days after you see it?

TEENAGE CHICK 2
Heard of it? I watched it a week ago. I'm just kidding. No, I'm not.
(dies)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MILF REPORTER
How did your daughter die?

MILF REPORTER'S SISTER
Heart attack.

MILF REPORTER
Then why does her face look like she was making out with a Hoover?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MILF REPORTER
Haha, that killer tape theory is sure funny. I'll watch it for some laughs.
(does)
Okay, that was pretty fucked up.

(Phone rings. She picks it up.)

SCARY LITTLE GIRL (on phone)
Seven days.

MILF REPORTER
Talk about a prolonged death. Oh well. Now, in the ultimate act of revenge, I'll show this tape to the ex-boyfriend who took off after he knocked me up.

(does)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CREEPY SON
This looks like a good Saturday night flick.
(watches the tape)

MILF REPORTER (walks in on him)
Noooooooooooooo! All right, now I must solve the mystery. First I'll go to the place where that freaky lighthouse is.

(She does. She talks to the locales who scare her but finds nothing. She goes back to the original cabin with her Movie Geek Ex-Boyfriend.)

MOVIE GEEK EX-BOYFRIEND
An abandoned cabin? All right! 'Bout time I got a chance to tap dat ass again.

MILF REPORTER
Uh, no. We're here to solve the mystery and save our lives. Look! There's a well under the TV.
(peers over the ledge and falls in)
Oh no, this is where that scary little girl died! Oh wait, she's not scary; she's just misunderstood.

SCARY LITTLE GIRL
No, I'm scary.
(kills Movie Geek Ex-Boyfriend)

MILF REPORTER
Oh I see, you have to make a copy of the tape in order to survive.

AMERICAN AUDIENCE
Whatever. That little girl sure is scary.

FILM SNOBS
Bah! The original was better.
(quieter)
Okay, it wasn't.

THE END

The Thing

Directed by: John Carpenter
Starring: Kurt Russell, a bunch of other paranoid snowbound researchers including Quaker Oats Guy, and Aliens
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DOG
Wolf.

QUAKER OATS GUY
My God, that dog is a shape-shifting alien!
(kills dog)
The world is doomed.

KURT RUSSELL
You're crazy, so we're going to lock you in the abandoned shed.

(They do.)

KURT RUSSELL
Well, that takes care of that.

PARANOID SNOWBOUND RESEARCHER WHO IS NOT KURT RUSSELL
Look! One of us is an alien!

(They kill the alien.)

KURT RUSSELL
Phew. Wait a minute...maybe some of you are aliens too.

OTHER PARANOID SNOWBOUND RESEARCHERS
No, we're not.

KURT RUSSELL
Oh yeah? Let's test everyone's blood to find out.

(They do so. One of them turns out to be an alien. They kill him.)

KURT RUSSELL
Well, that takes care of that.

PARANOID SNOWBOUND RESEARCHER WHO IS NOT KURT RUSSELL
Wait, what about the Quaker Oats Guy we locked up in the shed?

KURT RUSSELL
I'm sure he's okay. Let's check on him.

(They do so. Quaker Oats Guy is now an alien. Kurt Russell kills him but not before Quaker Oats Guy kills everyone else.)

KURT RUSSELL
Finally, it's over.

(Tough Black Guy shows up.)

TOUGH BLACK GUY
Remember me? I vanished suspiciously earlier in the movie.

KURT RUSSELL
Oh yeah. Maybe you're an alien.

TOUGH BLACK GUY
Maybe you're an alien.

KURT RUSSELL
Am not.

TOUGH BLACK GUY
Are too.

THE END

Glengarry Glen Ross

Written by: David Mamet
Starring: A bunch of pathetic salesmen and Alec Baldwin
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GRANDPA SALESMAN
I have to earn money to help my ailing daughter. Why can’t I sell anything?

ALEC BALDWIN
Because you all fucking suck, you fucks.

PATHETIC SALESMEN
My God, he’s right.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SLICK SALESMAN
I just took a dump. Wanna buy some land from me?

SEXUALLY-CONFUSED MIDDLE-AGED SUCKER
Sure!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ANGRY SALESMAN
This sucks. Let’s rob the fucking office and steal the good leads.

DEPRESSED SALESMAN
Uh…

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The next morning the office has been robbed. Grandpa Salesman enters.)

GRANDPA SALESMAN
Hah! Take that, Nerdy Office Clerk! I just sold eight fucking houses. What do ya think of me now?

NERDY OFFICE CLERK
Meh.

(Sexually-Confused Middle-Aged Sucker shows up.)

SEXUALLY-CONFUSED MIDDLE-AGED SUCKER (to Slick Salesman)
My wife wants me to cancel my contract with you.

SLICK SLAESMAN
You don’t need her. You’re obviously attracted to me.

SEXUALLY-CONFUSED MIDDLE-AGED SUCKER
Just the same, I really think I should cancel it before my grace period expires.

SLICK SALESMAN
I can’t talk now. Come back next week. I promise I won’t cash your check. Nerdy Office Clerk will back me up.

NERDY OFFICE CLERK
Don’t worry, customer, I cashed your check yesterday.

SEXUALLY-CONFUSED MIDDLE-AGED SUCKER
No!!!
(runs crying from the office)

SLICK SALESMAN (to Nerdy Office Clerk)
You cocksucking pussy-assed piece of shit pisseating whore I fucked your mother three times since Thursday and she told me you love sucking your father’s dick fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK.
(leaves)

GRANDPA SALESMAN (to Nerdy Office Clerk)
Haha, you fucker, you should have told the truth.

NERDY OFFICE CLERK
Ah-ha! Only the real burglar would know I lied!

GRANDPA SALESMAN
Fuck you. Okay, you caught me, but don’t turn me in. I just made a big fucking sale.

NERDY OFFICE CLERK
Yeah but the check bounced. You’re still as pathetic as you were at the start of the film.

GRANDPA SALESMAN
Fuck me.

THE END

Jurassic Park

Directed by: Steven Spielberg
Starring: Old Eccentric Billionaire, Scientist Who Looks Like Indiana Jones, Chick Scientist, A Healthy Stephen Hawking, Ugly Guy, Shaft, Aussie Hunter, Bratty Kids, and Newman
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OLD ECCENTRIC BILLIONAIRE
I’ve run out of bizarre political organizations for which to expunge my wealth, so I've built an island park featuring dinosaurs brought back from the dead. Come.

(A diverse group of scientists, comedians, and bratty kids do so. They see the dinosaurs.)

DIVERSE GROUP OF SCIENTISTS, COMEDIANS, AND BRATTY KIDS
Wow.

A HEALTHY STEPHEN HAWKING
Chaos Theory proves your park will fail.

OLD ECCENTRIC BILLIONAIRE
No it doesn’t.

(It does.)

NEWMAN
Hello. I’m the evil fat guy no one likes, so I will steal all the dinosaur embryos while conveniently disabling power to the security fences.

(He does so. Dinosaurs break loose and eat him.)

DIVERSE GROUP OF SCIENTISTS, COMEDIANS, AND BRATTY KIDS
Oh no, the dinosaurs are coming after us!

AUSSIE HUNTER
Don’t worry, I have enough firepower to blast the bloody bastards back to the Mesozoic.

SHAFT
But you fo’get, foo. Dis be a Spielberg flick. Ain’t no cappin’ allowed.

AUSSIE HUNTER
Damn.

(He is eaten.)

UGLY GUY
I’m a lawyer, which means I’m evil, so I will die soon.

(He does.)

DIVERSE GROUP OF SCIENTISTS, COMEDIANS, AND BRATTY KIDS
Oh no, what shall we do?

T-REX
I’ll save you from the mean dinosaurs!

DIVERSE GROUP OF SCIENTISTS, COMEDIANS, AND BRATTY KIDS
But...you’re a mean dinosaur too.

T-REX
Ah, but don’t you see the irony? My animal instinct which had doomed you now shall set you free.
(eats the bad dinosaurs)
Roar.

DIVERSE GROUP OF SCIENTISTS, COMEDIANS, AND BRATTY KIDS
That was scary but fun too. We’re almost sad it’s over.

STEVEN SPIELBERG, KATHLEEN KENNEDY, & UNIVERSAL STUDIOS
Don’t worry, we’ll be milking this franchise dry for decades to come.

BOYS AGED 7-16
YAY!

THE END