The Descent

Directed by: Some British dude
Starring: Some British chicks
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(Sarah has just gone white water rafting with her friends. She drives home with her husband and daughter.)

SARAH (to her husband)
Are you okay? You're being awfully quiet.

HUSBAND
I'm fine.

(A pickup truck crashes into their car, propelling a metal pole through their windshield and into her husband's head.)

HUSBAND
Actually, now that you mention it, I've been better.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Over the next year, Sarah becomes a hermit. Finally, her friends persuade her to go spelunking with them.)

JUNO
Hello, Sarah.

(Sarah doesn't respond.)

JUNO
What's the matter? Don't Juno my name? Haha, that's a little proper noun humor for you.

BUTCH EXPLORER "CHICK"
I can't believe we're going to explore a known cave system. That's some stupid shyte.

AMERICAN AUDIENCE
I'm sorry...did she just say "shyte"?

(Juno leads them all into an unexplored cave system, but she doesn't tell the others this until a cave-in occurs and blocks their only exit.)

JUNO
My bad.

ANOTHER EXPLORER CHICK
You stupid bitch. No one will come rescue us because they think we're exploring another cave.

JUNO
Hey, come on now. I said, "my bad."

(The girls penetrate deeper into the cave in hopes of finding another exit. Then Gollum from Lord of the Rings shows up.)

PETER JACKSON (in audience)
I'd sue for this if I were an asshole. But, meh.

(Gollum rips out Butch Explorer "Chick's" Adam's apple.)

GOLLUM
Ahhh, the precious........

SARAH
Wait a second...I thought only males have Adam's apples.

BUTCH EXPLORER "CHICK"
It's a long story. Fortunately I'm dead, so I don't have to tell it.

(Gollum's family shows up and chases the other explorer chicks throughout the save system. The girls start getting killed off one by one. Sarah gets separated from the rest of the group.)

ONE EXPLORER CHICK
Forget her. She's a nut anyway.

JUNO
No, we can't leave Sarah behind!

(Juno goes back and finds Sarah.)

JUNO
Thank God you're still alive.

(Sarah whacks Juno in the leg with her pick.)

JUNO
Is that because I slept with your husband? Because, you know, it only happened like eight times.

(All the girls die except Sarah, who escapes. But then the escape turns out to have just been a dream.)

DIRECTOR
Hey, they got away with it in "Dallas."

(Back in the cave, Sarah's dead daughter shows up with a cake. Sarah and Gollum sing "Happy Birthday," and they all live happily ever after.)

THE END

Havoc

Directed by: The same chick who would direct Shut Up and Sing (no funny comment needed)
Starring: Anne Hathaway and Bijou Phillips as Pampered Rich White Suburban Chicks Who Want To Be Badass Gang Bangers
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Soccer Moms and their young daughters file into the theater. The film begins.)

SOCCER MOMS
Ah...another movie with that wonderful screen princess, Anne Hathaway. We loved her wholesome performances in the Diaries and Ella Enchanted. We didn't read the write-up on this film, but we're sure it'll be another fun flick for the whole family.

(Anne Hathway takes her top off and starts cursing like a sailor. Soccer Moms immediately shove their daughters out of the theater.)

ANNE HATHAWAY
Fuck the Princess Diaries, and fuck Julie Andrews. I won't let myself be typecast as some goodie two-shoes chick. In fact, I'm having my agent sign me up for that gay cowboy movie; that'll show 'em. Meanwhile, I'll ruin my upright image by doing lots of drugs and engaging in explicit sex acts with gang members.
(She does.)
I'm such a whore.

BIJOU PHILLIPS (very drunk)
I'm a bigger whore. Watch as I screw three gang bangers in a row.
(She begins to do so. But then the guys try to triple team her, and she comes to her senses.)
Stop! Let me up! Get off of me!

(The guys continue to force sex with her until she finally manages to escape.)

BIJOU PHILLIPS (later, to Anne Hathaway:)
I was raped.

ANNE HATHAWAY
No, you weren't. You asked for it.

BIJOU PHILLIPS
But doesn't the fact that I was too drunk to even stand mean that I couldn't give the proper consent? Also, I thought a woman has the right to say "no" at any time.

ANNE HATHAWAY
She does. But then the guy has the right to tell her to shove it.

BIJOU PHILLIPS
I see. Thanks for setting me straight.

(Accused sex offenders across the country applaud Havoc's "interpretation" of California's rape crimes law.)

THE END

The Usual Suspects

Directed by: Bryan Singer
Starring: Strong acting talent and Stephen Baldwin
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PETE POSTLETHWAITE (to Comic Crooks)
Rob this steamer of drug money or mysterious supervillain Keyser Soze will come and kill you.

COMIC CROOKS
Okay.

(They infiltrate the steamer but find no money. Then Keyser Soze shows up and starts killing them anyway. The next day:)

SGT. DAN HEDAYA
So who is Keyser Soze?

AGENT CHAZZ PALMINTERI
I suspect everyone, except the crippled guy.

(It's the crippled guy.)

THE END

The Good Son

Directed by: Joseph Ruben
Starring: Frodo, "Scary" Macaulay Culkin and various insignificant others
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FRODO
I'm sad cause Mom died.

FRODO'S DAD
I'm sad too. In fact, you hanging around here is making me more depressed. Go live with Macaulay Culkin for awhile.

MICHAEL JACKSON
Don't mind if I do!

FRODO'S DAD
I was talking to Frodo.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MACAULAY CULKIN (trying to be scary)
I'm ever so glad that you're our guest, Frodo. Muhahaha!!

FRODO
Me too.

"SCARY" MACAULAY CULKIN
Huh? Aren't I scaring you?

FRODO
Nope. I mean, I know I'm supposed to act scared, but gimme a break. You just starred in Home Alone 2 for Christ's sake. You're not exactly Jason Voorhees.

(Macaulay Culkin continues trying to act scary, but all anyone sees is Kevin McAllister or that loser kid from My Girl.)

AUDIENCE
Aww, he's so cute.

"SCARY" MACAULAY CULKIN
No, I'm not!

AUDIENCE
Coochie-coochie-coo!

THE END

Signs

Directed by: M. Night Shyamalansky (he's a Jew!)
Starring: Mel "It's not a DUI if you're a gentile" Gibson, Joaquin "Who is my real brother" Phoenix, and Cory "Hey at least I'm not Macaulay" Culkin
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Reverend Mel and family find that mysterious circles have appeared in their crop outside their farmhouse.)

REVEREND MEL
My God...I know who did this.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Space aliens?

REVEREND MEL
The Jews!

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Really?

REVEREND MEL
Clearly you have not been following the scriptures. Revelation 81:99: "And behold, He opened the eighteenth seal and Jewish cropcircles encompassed the land." Now let's all go back inside and finish our daily viewing of The Passion.

KID CULKIN
Wait, I think it really is space aliens! Listen to this makeshift alien radio I created.

(They listen. There is static.)

EVERYONE
Ahhh! Aliens!!!

(Later, Reverend Mel is wandering the neighborhood.)

M. NIGHT SHYAMELESSCAMEO (shows up)
Hey.

REVEREND MEL
Um, shouldn't you be behind the camera?

M. NIGHT
No, I'm in "actor mode" now. I've cast myself in a pivotal role in this film.

REVEREND MEL
Did our budget already run out, or are you just a huge prima donna?

M. NIGHT
Excuse me, William Wallace?

REVEREND MEL
Never mind.

M. NIGHT
Now back to the movie.
(switches to "actor mode")
I know you hate me, Father.

REVEREND MEL
Yes. Yes, I do... Why, are you a Jew?

M. NIGHT
No! I'm the guy who was driving drunk and ran over your wife!

REVEREND MEL
Ah well, shit happens.

(Reverend Mel learns that M. Night trapped an alien in his cupboard. He goes to invesitgate.)

REVEREND MEL (standing outside the cupboard)
Hello? Is anyone there?
(No answer.)
You should be aware that I have called the authorities. They're on their way. With big guns. And the swat team. Also, I phoned Lt. Columbo, Perry Mason and The Equilizer, so you're pretty much screwed.

(The alien gets mad and reaches under the cupboard to grab him. Reverend Mel slices the alien's fingers off.)

REVEREND MEL
Haha! Don't fuck with Jesus!

(Later, the aliens are attacking. Reverend Mel and family have boarded up their house.)

REVEREND MEL (to Joaquin Phoenix)
Quick, brother, into the basement!

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Why am I your brother? You do realize I'm closer in age to Kid Culkin than I am to you.

REVEREND MEL
No time to discuss asinine casting choices, we're under attack!

(The family survives the attack and are able to fend off the aliens. It turns out water kills them.)

KID CULKIN
Funny how the aliens never had a problem wandering through our dew-covered crop. Also, isn't there like a lot of water vapor in the air like all the time?

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Shut up. You're Macaulay Culkin's kid brother. No one will ever take you seriously.

THE END

Silent Hill

Directed by: Christophe Gans
Starring: A bunch of women, one man who acts like a woman, and creatures modeled after figurines from David Lynch's toy collection.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Hot Mom is driving a car. Her young daughter is riding shotgun.)

HOT MOM (to Daughter)
Lately you've been having really scary nightmares about this place called Silent Hill. So I figured the best way for you to cope is to take you there myself and throw you in the middle of the town. It's called aversion therapy, and it works! After visiting a slaughterhouse, I haven't touched meat in six years. Your father doesn't count. Wait, yes he does.

(The police pursue Hot Mom, and she puts the pedal to the metal and wrecks her car, losing consciousness in the process. When she comes to, she is in Silent Hill and her daughter is missing. She is approached by a female cop.)

OFFICER CYBIL
License, registration and proof of insurance, please.

HOT MOM
You need proof of insurance?

OFFICER CYBIL
You do have car insurance, right?

HOT MOM
Yes, ma'am, I drive with Safe Auto.

OFFICER CYBIL
Playing it safe, huh? Okay.

HOT MOM
Anyway, my daughter has gone missing. Could you help me locate her, Officer...?

OFFICER CYBIL
Cybil.

HOT MOM
That's an unusual name.

OFFICER CYBIL
Yep. In fact, there're only three of us left: me, that "Moonlighting" chick, and the paranoid schizophrenic Sally Field.

HOT MOM
You mean the paranoid schizophrenic once played by Sally Field.

OFFICER CYBIL
Whatever. Anyway, you're under arrest.

HOT MOM
Huh, why?

OFFICER CYBIL
You have a broken headlight.

HOT MOM
That's because I just crashed my car.

OFFICER CYBIL
Step out of the vehicle please, or I'll taze you like that fat lady on youtube.

(Hot Mom complies. One of David Lynch's prodigal children shows up. Officer Cybil fires but the bullets have little effect. It turns night and the town becomes evil. Some dude with a humungous pyramid head approaches.)

HOT MOM AND OFFICER CYBIL
Ahhhh!! Quick, let's get inside the church!

(They do. Pyramid Head is left alone.)

PYRAMID HEAD
I only wanted a hug. *sniff*

(Inside the church, Sectarians agree to help Hot Mom find her daughter.)

HOT MOM
Thanks. Who says there's no such thing as small town hospitality? Hey, wanna see a picture of her?

(She shows the Sectarians a picture of her daughter.)

HEAD SECTARIAN
Her daughter looks just like that one girl we burned alive years ago! The only solution to this paradox is...burn more people!

(They burn Officer Cybil but Hot Mom escapes. She finds her daughter, who is really not her daughter, but some other lady's daughter, well part of her is some other lady's daughter, she is also evil now, or maybe she was always evil. Anyway, the girl shows up and kills all the Sectarians.)

THE END

PRODUCERS
The end? We don't think so. There's not a man in this entire flick. What were you thinking, Gans?

CHRISTOPHE GANS
Well, I—

PRODUCERS
Silence! The target audience for this movie is boys aged 12-19, and teenage boys certainly are not going to want to stare at women the whole time. Bring in Evil British Guy.

SEAN BEAN (enters)
You called?

PRODUCERS
Can you try to be not so evil and not so British for this flick?

SEAN BEAN
Righteo. I mean...fo'shore.

CHRISTOPHE GANS (to Producers)
But where should I put him in the movie?

PRODUCERS
Just create a superfluous plotline that has no interaction with the main story and ultimately adds nothing to the film. Duh.

CHRISTOPHE GANS
Fine.

PRODUCERS
Next time, Gans, do us a favor and don't think outside the box. Your film reeks of originality, and frankly, it's taking away from our wealth of rehashed horror remakes and sequels. Now go think up a sequel to Silent Hill that incorporates a younger, hotter female lead with big bosoms who once strarred on a prime time soap, preferably "Party of Five" or "7th Heaven." And for God's sake, tone down the blood and guts; we're in the business of making PG-13 movies here.

(Chrisophe Gans becomes yet another disenfranchised Hollywood director.)

THE END

Open Water

Directed by: Some guy
Starring: The finest of Hollywood's "D" List
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

YUPPIE GIRL DIVER
Help!! My husband and I have been left behind in the ocean by an irresponsible diving crew!

DIRECTOR
NO. You're rushing the movie. First we must shoot twenty minutes of tedious "character development" and gratuitous nudity.

(They do.)

DIRECTOR
Okay, now get in the water.

YUPPIE GIRL DIVER
Help!!  My husband and I have been left behind in the ocean by an irresponsible diving crew!

YUPPIE GUY DIVER
You spend too much time at work.

YUPPIE GIRL DIVER
Um, can we discuss that later? We're being circled by sharks!

SHARKS
Hoo hoo hah hah!

(Time passes. The yuppie divers remain in the ocean. The sharks remain at bay.)

YUPPIE GUY DIVER
Hey, you ever play that Six Degrees to Kevin Bacon game?

YUPPIE GIRL DIVER
Don't you realize we're going to die out here??!!

(The sharks go away. Then they come back. Then they go away. Then they come back.)

YUPPIE GIRL DIVER
I hate you.

YUPPIE GUY DIVER
I hate you.

YUPPIE GIRL DIVER
I love you.

YUPPIE GUY DIVER
I love you.

(It's the next morning. The irresponsible diving crew has just discovered that they left two divers in the ocean.)

IRRESPONSIBLE DIVING CREW
Oops.

(Meanwhile, sharks eat the two yuppie leads.)

SHARKS
Yum.

CRITIC IN AUDIENCE
Wow. This movie was like Blair Witch, only in water.

DIRECTOR
Thanks! Wait...that's a compliment, right?

THE END

Red Eye

Directed by: Wes Craven
Starring: Chick from "Mean Girls", Scarecrow, and William Stryker
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(At an airport lounge:)

SMOOTH BADGUY (to Nice Hottie)
You're hot. Let me buy you a drink. What's your favorite... cosmopolitan?

NICE HOTTIE
I don't drink pussy drinks. I'll have a Bay Breeze.

(Later, while boarding the plane:)

NICE HOTTIE (to Smooth Badguy)
Hey, we have seats right next to each other. What a coincidence.

SMOOTH BADGUY
Is it?

NICE HOTTIE
What else could it be?

SMOOTH BADGUY
It could be that I have manipulated the passenger log so that we would sit in the same row because I know you are the manager of an upscale Miami hotel which happens to house the Secretary of Homeland Security for the weekend, and I would require you to switch the Secretary's room to a suite overlooking the ocean, so my fellow mates fishing with a rocket launcher can blast his ass to kingdom come. Assuming that you may be a straight-arrow law-abider, I would coerce you to do same by threatening your father with bodily harm. I would have a badguy friend of mine secretly parked outside your Miami abode, who would commence acts of violence against dear old dad in the event you do not follow my instructions.

NICE HOTTIE
Well, yes, I guess it could be that.

SMOOTH BADGUY
Haha, I'm just joking. No, I'm not.

(Smooth Badguy persuades Nice Hottie to make the call to the hotel changing the room, but the airfone's service dies. Nice Hottie then tries to secretly and elaborately signal for help but is stopped at the last second by Smooth Badguy. Repeat four times.)

SMOOTH BADGUY
You're quite a handful...although perhaps I asked for it by choosing to menacingly confront you on a commercial jet packed with a hundred people within a twenty foot radius instead of simply pulling you to a dark corner of the airport and demanding you make the call while still on the ground. This also would have allowed me to brandish a firearm to make my threat more intimidating. Additionally, then I wouldn't have to worry about the real possibility of the call's service being interrupted mid-flight, as has since plagued my present course of action. Oh well, hindsight is 20/20.

(Finally, airfone service returns and Nice Hottie makes the call. Shortly thereafter, the plane lands in Miami.)

SMOOTH BADGUY
Good work, Nice Hottie. Now just behave yourself and everything will be fine. Once I receive word that the Secretary is dead, I will tell my badguy friend waiting outside your house to leave. Don't worry, he won't act to kill your father unless he first receives word from me to do so.

(Nice Hottie stabs Smooth Badguy in the windpipe with a ballpoint pen.)

SMOOTH BADGUY (wheezing)
Perhaps I should've left that last part out.

(About this point, Smooth Badguy turns into Bumbling Badguy and is outsmarted, outmauevered and outskilled at every turn by Nice Hottie and also by a nine-year-old girl. There is a lot of physical comedy with Bumbling Badguy tripping over everything and everyone. Laughs are had. Nice Hottie escapes and calls the hotel to warn the Secretary, saving him in the nick of time. Next, Nice Hottie returns home and saves her father from Other Badguy in the nick of time.)

NICE HOTTIE AND NICE HOTTIE'S DAD
Hooray, we're safe!

BUMBLING BADGUY (shows up, donning an ascot)
Not so fast.

NICE HOTTIE
Don't worry, dad. I'll handle this one.

(Bumbling Badguy turns out to be the worst assassin on the planet as he gets his ass handed to him by Nice Hottie, who beats him up with every household object imaginable. Finally, he gets shot in the chest by Nice Hottie's Dad.)

BUMBLING BADGUY
I suck.
(dies)

WES CRAVEN
See, I can direct suspense thrillers without relying on supernatural monsters! And running barely an hour at that!

FREDDIE KRUEGER (to Wes Craven)
You suck.

THE END

Robots

Directed by: Chris Wedge and Carlos Saldanha
Starring (the vocal "talents" of): Ewan McGregor, Stanley Tucci, Diane West, Greg Kinnear, Halle Berry, Robin Williams, and *coughcough* Drew Carey
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

STANLEY TUCCI ROBOT
I'm gonna be a dad! Yay!

AUDIENCE
But you're a robot.

STANLEY TUCCI ROBOT
That's right. That means I get to build my son! Isn't that neat?
(builds a baby robot)
Now I get to watch him grow up.

AUDIENCE
But he's a robot.

STANLEY TUCCI ROBOT
That's right, but I will buy him big boy robot parts and then teenager robot parts and then adult robot parts.

(He does.)

AUDIENCE
Why didn't you just buy adult robot parts from the beginning, you fool? Now you're broke.

STANLEY TUCCI ROBOT
You're right.

EWAN MCGREGOR ROBOT
It's ok, Dad Robot. I'll go off to the big city and make money for us.

(He goes to the big city to work as an inventor and meets Robin Williams Robot.)

ROBIN WILLIAMS ROBOT
This is great. In this film I get to use all the jokes I proposed in Aladdin that were cut from the final script.

(He tells the jokes. They are not funny.)

AUDIENCE
This very well might be Robin Williams' worst role ever.

OTHER ACTOR ROBOTS
Ewan McGregor Robot, we'll stand with you in your plot to bring down Greg Kinnear Robot's evil robot company and robot capitalism as a whole. First, however, let's do a five minute fart joke gag.

AUDIENCE
How did this get green-lit? Let's get our money back.

(begin to leave the theater)

CHRIS WEDGE AND CARLOS SALDANHA
Please...we need to eat.

AUDIENCE
Sorry. Ice Age was fun, but you really screwed this one up. You have Drew Carey in it, for Christ's sake.

DREW CAREY ROBOT
Hey!

CHRIS WEDGE AND CARLOS SALDANHA (to Drew Carey Robot)
They're right.

HALLE BERRY ROBOT
Can I at least win an Oscar?

CHRIS WEDGE AND CARLOS SALDANHA
Depends. Are you willing to participate in an intense ten minute interracial robot sex scene?

HALLE BERRY ROBOT
With whom?

CHRIS WEDGE AND CARLOS SALDANHA
Hmm...we'll need a fat, middle-aged, white guy loser.

DREW CAREY ROBOT
Hey, I'm still here.

HALLE BERRY ROBOT
Never mind. I'd rather win the Razzie.

THE END

The Exorcist

Starring: Screwed-Up Kid, Her Mom, Father-Dee and Father-Dum
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(In an obscure and lengthy prologue, a young Father Merrin goes trotting through Iraq and finds the Devil or something.)

AUDIENCE
Why is the Devil in Iraq?

TREY PARKER, MATT STONE AND SADDAM HUSSEIN
Makes sense to us.

(Several years later in Washington D.C....)

ELLEN BURSTYN
Regan, my darling daughter, kindly take care of yourself while I concentrate on my acting career.

REGAN
Okay.

(She does and promptly gets possessed by the Devil.)

ELLEN BURSTYN
Regan, my dear, I'm a bit concerned with the way you've been cursing and pissing yourself lately. Also, yesterday when you spider-walked down the stairs and spat blood, I shat my pants.

POSSESSED REGAN
Let Jesus fuck you!

ELLEN BURSTYN
Uh huh. I think I'll let my friend Burke have a look at you.

BURKE
Sure.
(dies)

ELLEN BURSTYN
Hmm...this may be a bit tougher than I thought. I'll call Father Karras.

(Father Karras shows up.)

FATHER KARRAS
Hmm...this may be a bit tougher than I thought. I'll call Father Merrin.

(Father Merrin shows up.)

FATHER MERRIN
Hmm...this may be a bit tougher than I thought. I'll call Jesus.

(Jesus shows up. Possessed Regan begins puking green slime and masturbating with a crucifix.)

JESUS
Whoa, I'm outta here!

FATHER MERRIN (to Possessed Regan)
Who are you??!!

POSSESSED REGAN
I go by many names, but you can call me Captain Howdy.

FATHER KARRAS
Well, there goes any suspense we were trying to build.

FATHER MERRIN
Wait a second...I remember you now! I saw you in Iraq. You're the Devil! My God...the Devil is here in Washington D.C.!

HUGO CHAVEZ
That's what I've been trying to tell you people!!

POSSESSED REGAN
Karras, your mother sucks cocks in hell!

FATHER KARRAS
Really? Is she any good?

POSSESSED REGAN
Uh....ok, you called my bluff.

(There is a massive battle between the priests and the Devil. However, we have no idea what is happening or who is winning.)

FATHER MERRIN AND FATHER KARRAS
The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!
(pause)
The power of Christ compels you!

(The priests continue to repeat the same line until the Devil goes insane and takes off. Both priests die, but Regan is saved.)

ELLEN BURSTYN
So the Devil only needed to be loved...

REGAN
What? That's not what happened at all. Haven't you been paying attention?

ELLEN BURSTYN
Not really. I've been concentrating on my third divorce. How'd that whole exorcism thing go?

WARNER STUDIOS EXECS (checking the box office gross)
Very well, apparently.

(Thirty-five years later...)

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Now that I've irreperably tarnished an H.G. Wells masterpiece, I'm ready for another half-assed remake of a classic. How about The Exoricst? I'll cast Dakota Fanning as the lead.

(The general public pukes green slime.)

THE END

The Ring Two

Directed by: Japanese Guy Who Directed the Original Original
Starring: MILF Reporter, Creepy Son Who No Longer Can Act, "Scary Little" Girl, Sissy Spacek, and Inconsequential People (Who Die)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(After the events of the first film, MILF Reporter and her Creepy Son Who No Longer Can Act have moved from Seattle to Oregon.)

MILF REPORTER (relieved)
It looks like we escaped Scary Little Girl and her tape just in time!

(Scary Little Girl and her tape show up in Oregon and kill some Inconsequential People, except now Scary Little Girl is neither scary nor little.)

NAOMI WATTS
Huh? Why isn't she scary anymore?

HIDEO NAKATA'S TRANSLATOR
Since filiming the Japanese original, Mr. Nakata has now learned of the art that you Americans call C.G.I. He is very happy with this C.G.I. and shall use it often.

(Hideo Nakata makes good on his promise. Also, instead of having genuinely scary scenes, "Scary Little" Girl now jumps up from behind people a la Michael Myers.)

CREEPY SON WHO NO LONGER CAN ACT
Hello, mother. Can I make you some coffee before you head to work?

MILF REPORTER
What's happened to you? You never used to treat me with respect.

CREEPY SON WHO NO LONGER CAN ACT
Can't you tell from my acting?

MILF REPORTER
Not really. Unless you're trying to play a stoned Haley Joel Osment. Then you're doing a pretty good job.

HIDEO NAKATA'S TRANSLATOR
Mr. Nakata has just seen the classic film you Americans call "The Omen." He enjoyed very much the scene with the baboons attacking the demon child and mother in the car. It would please him to rip-of...er, pay homage to the scene by shooting it for this film.

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT
I'm not sure baboons run wild in Oregon. How about we use deer instead?

(They go to film the scene. No deer show up.)

HIDEO NAKATA'S TRANSLATOR
What happened?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT
Sir, it appears the deer caught wind that this movie will flop and have migrated east to warn their other animal friends.

HIDEO NAKATA'S TRANSLATOR
In that case, we shall just use more of your American C.G.I. No one will be able to tell the difference.

(They film the scene. It looks terrible and everyone can tell the difference.)

MILF REPORTER
My son is possessed by "Scary Little" Girl, I think...I can't really tell from his acting. I need to talk to someone who understands my problem.

(A mental ward attendant leads MILF Reporter to a cell containing Sissy Spacek, who is busy cutting construction paper.)

MILF REPORTER
Oh, it's "Scary Little" Girl's mother! Maybe she can help me!

ATTENDANT
No...that's really Sissy Spacek. This is where the studio's kept her ever since Blast from the Past. Alicia Silverstone's in the next cell.

(MILF Reporter decides to "save" her son by drowning him in the bathtub.)

ANDREA YATES (to MILF Reporter)
You'll be alright. Just tell them you're a loony-toon. Works wonders.

(Her son wakes up and is no longer possessed by "Scary Little" Girl.)

MILF REPORTER
Thank God, my real son is back! Now maybe he can act again!

CREEPY SON WHO STILL CAN'T ACT
What-was-that-you-said-Rachel?

HIDEO NAKATA'S TRANSLATOR
Enough plot/character development! More C.G.I.!!!

(They film the rest of the movie with C.G.I. Hideo Nakata views the finished product.)

HIDEO NAKATA'S TRANSLATOR
Behold! A work of art!

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT 1 (to Production Assistant 2)
Should any of us tell him that we don't have any clue what actually happens in this movie?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT 2
No need. I'm pretty sure he has no idea either.

THE END

The Big Blue

Directed by: Luc Besson
Starring: A German playing a Frenchman and a Frenchman who may or may not also be a Spaniard playing an Italian
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ENZO
I am the greatest free-diver in the world!

ENZO'S KID BROTHER
What about that dolphin-lovin' dude who always beat you when we were kids?

ENZO
Bring him to me and I shall defeat him!

(Jacques Mayol shows up.)

JACQUES MAYOL
Enzo, I have zero interest in competing against you. I'm very content with my current job of recovering sunken oil tanker machinery in the Arctic Sea for minimum wage.

ROSANNA ARQUETTE (to Jacques Mayol)
You're cute.

JACQUES MAYOL
Okay, I'll do it. Let the free-diving contest begin!

NINETY PERCENT OF THE AUDIENCE
What the hell is free-diving?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Time passes as both men prepare for the World Free-Diving Championship. Jacques Mayol and Rosanna Arquette start a relationship.)

ROSANNA ARQUETTE
You seem distant. There's someone else, isn't there?

JACQUES MAYOL
If you must know...yes.

ROSANNA ARQUETTE
What does she have that I don't?!

JACQUES MAYOL
Fins, for one. Also, she can breathe out of the top of her head.

ROSANNA ARQUETTE
Don't tell me you've been having an affair with a dolphin.

JACQUES MAYOL
Don't be ridiculous. Now onto a completely different topic, I'm going to take a swim. Have you seen my waterproof condoms anywhere?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Jacques Mayol beats Enzo in the World Free-Diving Championship.)

ENZO
I would rather kill myself than come in second place.

(He does.)

JACQUES MAYOL (to Rosanna Arquette)
My life sucks. Come with me to the pier so I can drown myself.

(She does and he does.)

GIRLS IN AMERICAN AUDIENCE
Booo! He's cute. We want him to live.

(American filmmakers change the ending so now, instead of drowning, Jacques Mayol swims off into the moonlight with his dolphin girlfriend.)

THE REAL JACQUES MAYOL (watching)
What the fuck?

GIRLS IN AMERICAN AUDIENCE
Hooray!

GUYS IN AMERICAN AUDIENCE
Zzzzzzz...

THE END

Leviathan

Starring: Robocop, Brooke Shields Clone, Ghettobuster, Washed-Up TV Star and Voice of Kevin Arnold
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(An underwater mining team finds a slimy genetic mutation in a submerged Russian sub.)

ROBOCOP (calling the surface)
Help! A slimy genetic mutation is attacking us! It just ate the guy who does the adult voice of that wuss from "The Wonder Years"!

BROOKE SHIELDS CLONE (over the radio)
We'd like to help, honest. But there's this really bad hurricane up here. Yeah, it sucks. Won't be able to send a rescue ship for a few days.

ROBOCOP
Hurricane? But isn't it springtime?

BROOKE SHIELDS CLONE
Gotta go. *Click*

ROBOCOP (to the others)
The Compan...err Corporation has left us for dead. We'll have to fend for ourselves. The creature appears to be hiding in the dark areas of the ship. I'll take this flame thrower. You guys take these other weapons. Let's split up and find it. If we can't kill it, we'll have to abandon ship by way of the portable shuttle.

WASHED-UP TV STAR PLAYING THE DOCTOR
Sounds like a plan. For my part, I will turn on all of you and sabatoge our escape efforts.

GRUNGY MINER
Hey, one of the monsters is inside me and about to burst out of my chest.

GHETTOBUSTER
Wait, does all of this remind anyone else of that famous sci-fi horror movie, also involving a group of miners, where...

THE DIRECTOR
Uh oh, they're onto us. Better throw them off the scent.

(The monster from The Thing shows up.)

GHETTOBUSTER
Hmm...never mind.

(The monster eats everyone except Robocop and the hot girl, who escape to the surface.)

BROOKE SHIELDS CLONE
Welcome back. I knew you'd make it.

(Robocop punches her in the face.)

TOM CRUISE (in the audience)
Yeah! Take that, bitch!

KATIE HOLMES
You know, that isn't Brooke Shields.

TOM CRUISE
Damn.

THE END

House of Wax

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The Rock

Directed by: Michael Bay
Starring: Underdog Hero, The "Good" Bond, Sympathetic Terrorists, Incompetant Marines and Incompetant Government Suits
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"HOLLYWOOD PICTURES" CREW (singing)
"We're off to make a Michael Bay film! A wonderfully long Michael Bay film! Because because because because...Jerry Bruckheimer told us to!"

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Let's see if we've covered all the bases. Do we have woefully unqualified and underresourced heroes fighting against all practical odds?

MICHAEL BAY
Check.

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
A hot chick with no infulence over the plot whose only purpose is to look worried?

MICHAEL BAY
Check.

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Incompetant government suits who make the wrong move at every turn?

MICHAEL BAY
Check.

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Creative deaths that defy plausibility?

MICHAEL BAY
We have one guy who chomps down on a nerve gas capsule. Also, Candyman gets launched off the island via missle.

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Pointless destruction and lots of shit blowing up?

MICHAEL BAY
Whoops, forgot that one. Hold on.
(films a twenty minute car chase scene where Underdog Hero and Incompetant Suits pursue the escaped "Good" Bond, who causes millions of dollars in property damage and then abruptly changes his mind and gives himself up, thus rendering the scene moot)
I think we're good to go.

MICHAEL BIEHN
Okay, I'll admit it. I haven't been in a good film since the the bastards at Fox prematurely killed me off in the Alien franchise. Hopefully, I'll be in this movie long enough to jump start my career back to life.

(Michael Biehn dies after five minutes of screen time.)

MICHAEL BIEHN
What the... (profanity-laden tirade removed)

THE END

Van Helsing

Directed by: Steven Sommers
Starring: Van Helsing, Hot Goth Fighter Chick, Rockstar Dracula, Ralph Waldo Frankenstein, and Video Game Graphics
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Scene: The corner office of a Universal Studios suite, Hollywood circa 2002.)

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
I have this GREAT idea for a new monster movie!

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Okay, shoot.

EXEC 1
Alright. Opening shot of Dr. Frankenstein working in his castle, night. He's trying to bring his Creature to life. Thunder, lightning, that sort of jazz. Then Dracula demands he use more power—

EXEC 2
Wait, I thought this was a Frankenstein movie.

EXEC 1
It is! Okay, so then Dracula sucks the doctor's blood.

EXEC 2
Wow, so Dr. Frankenstein becomes a vampire?

EXEC 1
Huh? No. Alright. Flash forward a few months. Van Helsing, having just narrowly defeated Mr. Hyde—

EXEC 2
Mr. Hyde? And where did this "Van Helsing" come from? Isn't he that old guy from the Dracula novel?

EXEC 1
Well, yeah, but we won't make him old. This can be like the beginning of his career, you know. And he won't have a pussy biblical name like Abraham. No way. His name's Gabriel. Anyway, back to the story. Van Helsing meets up with this goth fighter chick who's all broken up because the Wolfman just killed her brother.

EXEC 2
Is this the same movie?

EXEC 1
Yeah! But her brother's not really dead. See, he was bitten and now he's a warewolf too!

EXEC 2
What's that, the twist ending?

EXEC 1
Ending? No way. We're only fifteen minutes into the film.

EXEC 2
Jesus, what happens for the rest of the movie?

EXEC 1
Three words, my friend: See Gee Eye.

EXEC 2
Hmm.

EXEC 1
So what do you think?

EXEC 2
I have to be honest. Your idea lacks any concept of plot, character development or originality. It's just one more speck in the long line of tired, rehashed Hollywood schemes that favor style over substance. Let's go get it green-lit.

THE END

Prince of Darkness

Directed by: John Carpenter
Starring: Loomis, Grad Students Who Can't Act, Alice Cooper, and the Devil*
*Note: The Devil and Alice Cooper are played by separate actors.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Loomis and Grad Students Who Can't Act are in Spooky Church.)

LOOMIS
Gather 'round, Grad Students Who Can't Act, and listen to me tale. Many moons ago the ancestors of my ancestors found the Devil, liquidated him, and trapped him in some glowing green ooze.

MICHAELANGELO
Cowabunga!

LOOMIS
No no no, this is Evil Ooze. Behold.
(reveals the Evil Ooze)

GRAD STUDENTS WHO CAN'T ACT
Ooooh, ahhhh.

JOHN CARPENTER
Good God, maybe I should have hired more respectable actors instead of blowing my entire budget on special effects to make the ooze look radioactive.

LOOMIS
Hey, that hurts.

JOHN CARPENTER
Quiet, you, or I won't let you appear in Halloween 4, 5 and 6.

LOOMIS
Yes, Master.

(Time passes. The Devil escapes from the Evil Ooze and begins possessing the grad students. Everyone begins having the same nightmare.)

LOOMIS
Hey, there are some genuinely freaky moments starting to build. We need some moronic and poorly-timed comic relief to break the tension.

THE MENTAL MIDGET GRAD STUDENT KNOWN AS WALTER
You called?

(More grad students become possessed and then die.)

JOHN CARPENTER
This is becoming tedious. Let's get more shots of Alice Cooper.

FIRST ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Sir, Alice Cooper isn't on the payroll.

JOHN CARPENTER
Then what's he doing outside amongst the hoard of extras playing homeless people?

ALICE COOPER
Actually, I'm quite drunk and seem to have forgotten the way back to my hotel room.

JOHN CARPENTER AND FIRST ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
We're not worthy! We're not worthy!

(More time passes. The grad students figure out the way to stop the Devil is to break a mirror.)

LOOMIS
Congratulations. Now those of us who are still alive can go home.

GRAD STUDENT WITH THE PORNSTAR MUSTASCHE
Wait! I don't think we really stopped the Devil for good!

LOOMIS
Son, I'm tired and my paycheck's arrived. Tell it to Alice Cooper.

THE END

Groundhog Day

Directed by: Egon
Starring: Bill Murray and Amy Grant Clone
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(It's Groundhog Day. Bill Murray is in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.)

BILL MURRAY
I'm a mean weatherman who hates everybody. Good night.
(goes to sleep)

GOD
Not so fast.

(It's Groundhog Day again.)

BILL MURRAY
Hey, this is weird. Oh well, I still hate everybody.
(goes to sleep)

GOD
No tomorrow for you!

(It's Groundhog Day again.)

BILL MURRAY
Now I hate everybody and I know a lot of shit.
(goes to sleep)

GOD
Nope.

(It's Groundhog Day again.)

BILL MURRAY
I love everyone, especially Amy Grant Clone.
(goes to sleep)

GOD
Hmm...ok.

(It's the day after Groundhog Day.)

BILL MURRAY (to God)
Sucker.

THE END

Event Horizon

Directed by: Paul Anderson (the bad one)
Starring: Dr. Grant, Captain Cool, Random British Guys, Puny Punk, Chicks Who Aren't Hot, and LL Cool J Stand-In
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Captain Cool and assorted crewmen are in a spaceship...sometime in the future!)

CAPTAIN COOL
We just received a distress call from a place far away where there should not be a distress call.

RANDOM BRITISH GUY
Hmm...sounds like "Alien."

PAUL ANDERSON
No. It doesn't.

DR. GRANT
Hello, all. The distress call is actually coming from a spaceship I designed called the "Event Horizon"...oooh, spooky. It eerily vanished seven years ago and all the crew are presumed dead. Therefore, the distress call is most likely being sent by a ghost or something evil...so this should be fun! Because the ship has mysteriously reappeared all the way over in east bumblefuck, we'll need to use our hypersleep pods during our journey to recover it, exactly like in "Alien."

PAUL ANDERSON
No, not exactly.

(Some indeterminate time later, the crew arrives in East Bumblefuck, which is adjacent to the planet Neptune. The Event Horizon is there. It looks crappy.)

DR. GRANT
Perhaps I should mention that inside that monstrosity I caged up a cute li'l black hole that doesn't follow the laws of physics.

CAPTAIN COOL
All right. Let's investigate.

(They do. The ship, though, turns out to be EVIL and begins killing them.)

LL COOL J STAND-IN
Hot damn! We're dying off one by one, just like in that movie...

PAUL ANDERSON
NO, IT IS NOT JUST LIKE IN THAT MOVIE.

DR. GRANT
Ha-ha-ho-hum! Now I'm crazy for some reason. Watch as I tear out my eyes.
(he does)
Okay, now who wants to go to Hell?

CAPTAIN COOL
Not me.

CHICK WHO ISN'T HOT BUT IS STILL ALIVE
Not me.

LL COOL J STAND-IN
Not me.

PUNY PUNK
Me.
(Everyone looks at him.)
I forgot to mention, I've turned crazy too.

(Crazy shit happens and there are BIG EXPLOSIONS. But some crew manage to escape. The credits begin to roll.)

AUDIENCE
Wait, I'm confused. Did they go to Hell or not? And was it Hell in the religious sense or more of a philisoph-

(Cue ABRUPT BLARING ROCK MUSIC, which drowns out the audience.)

THE END

Heathers

Starring: A bunch of 20-somethings trying to act like high schoolers.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WINONA RYDER
Sigh. I'm popular, but all my friends are bitches named Heather.

HEATHER WITH BAD 80s HAIR
I'm hot!

HEATHER WITH WORSE 80s HAIR
I'm hotter!

HEATHER WHO SHOULD JUST SHAVE IT ALL OFF
I'm the most hottest!

CHRISTIAN SLATER PLAYING JACK NICHOLSON (to Winona Ryder)
Hey, babe, what's, going, on.

WINONA RYDER
Hey, you're cute.

(Christian Slater Playing Jack Nicholson takes out a gun and starts shooting at students.)

WINONA RYDER
Wow, you're crazy. That turns me on.

(They make out.)

WINONA RYDER
I hate that Heather With the Worst 80s Hair bitch-friend of mine.

CHRISTIAN SLATER PlAYING JACK NICHOLSON
Let's trick her.

(They do. She dies.)

WINONA RYDER
What happened?!

CHRISTIAN SLATER PLAYING JACK NICHOLSON
I dunno. Well, maybe it had something to do with this Drano I made her drink. Let's make it look like a suicide.

(They do. Now Heather is even more popular dead than alive.)

WINONA RYDER
Look, suicide's become the new "in" thing to do. I wonder if it'll replace snap bracelets.

CHRISTIAN SLATER PLAYING JACK NICHOLSON
Let's trick some jocks.

(They do. Christian Slater Playing Jack Nicholson shoots them in the face.)

WINONA RYDER
What happened?! I thought you were only using special stun bullets.

CHRISTIAN SLATER PLAYING JACK NICHOLSON
You're a fucking idiot. Wanna have sex?

WINONA RYDER
No, I hate you now almost I much as I hate the other Heathers.

CHRISTIAN SLATER PLAYING JACK NICHOLSON
Let's kill them too. We'll make them all look like suicides.

WINONA RYDER
No.

CHRISTIAN SLATER PLAYING JACK NICHOLSON
Okay, I'll just blow up the school.

(He almost blows up the school, but Winona Ryder stops him or something, so he decides to blow up himself instead.)

HALF OF THE AUDIENCE
What the hell's the moral of this trash?!

OTHER HALF OF THE AUDIENCE
Shut up. It speaks to us.

HALF OF THE AUDIENCE
And why does Winona Ryder always look like the bride of Satan?

OTHER HALF OF THE AUDIENCE
Stop exaggerating.

(In her next two movies, Winona Ryder also looks like the bride of Satan.)

OTHER HALF OF THE AUDIENCE
Well, at least in these movies she starred opposite even bigger freaks.

BEETLEJUICE AND EDWARD SCISSORHANDS
You just made two powerful enemies today, friends.

THE END

Executive Decision

Starring: Kurt Russell, Steven Seagal, Arab Terrorists, Multicultural Good Guys, and Steven Seagal (in case you missed it the first time)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

STEVEN SEAGAL
Come on, commandos! Let's go get the terrorist nerve gas!

COMMANDOS
Yay!

(The terrorist nerve gas is missing.)

STEVEN SEAGAL
D'oh.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Meanwhile, Middle-Eastern terrorists, with possession of the nerve gas, have hijacked a commercial airliner.)

TED KENNEDY AND C.A.I.R.
You can't make the terrorists Arabs! That's racist!

OSAMA BIN LADEN
Please just shut the fuck up.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(A multicultural taskforce of good guys, assembled to take out the terrorists mid-flight, has connected to the airliner via stealth fighter. All of the taskforce make it onto the plane except Steven Seagal. Suddenly, Kurt Russell remembers Passenger 57 and realizes this movie likely will flop.)

KURT RUSSELL (calling down to Seagal)
Our careers aren't going to make it!

STEVEN SEAGAL
Yours will! You'll go on to star in Miracle, whereas I'll be moving on to dreck like Half Past Dead.
(dies)

ASIAN GOOD GUY
Uh oh, Steven Seagal was our leader good guy. Now we don't know what to do.

KURT RUSSELL
I'll be your leader good guy.

HISPANIC GOOD GUY
Haha, you don't know the first thing about being a leader.

KURT RUSSELL
How about we kill the terrorists?

HISPANIC GOOD GUY
I see now I misjudged you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The multicultural taskforce does some zero-g manuevers and cuts some wires, but nothing really happens.)

WHITE GOOD GUY WHO'S NOT KURT RUSSELL
Are we ready to storm the terrorists yet?

KURT RUSSELL
No. We must wait until Oliver Fatt and Black Good Guy diffuse the bomb.

(Ten minutes go by. Oliver Fatt and Black Good Guy turn out to be horrible at diffusing bombs.)

KURT RUSSELL
Okay, now we can go in. But first I'm going to touch Halle Berry's ass.
(does)

(The good guy taskforce storm the main cabin and take out all the hijackers, but the pilots die in the process. The passengers panic.)

KURT RUSSELL
Don't worry everyone, I'll land the plane.
(does)

HALLE BERRY
My hero.

STEVEN SEAGALL (shows up)
Hi, everybody!

HISPANIC GOOD GUY
Um...you died like an hour ago.

STEVEN SEAGALL
But Steven Seagall can't die.

BLACK GOOD GUY
You fell out of a plane in mid-flight.

STEVEN SEAGALL
Maybe I grabbed hold of the rudder and coasted my way to safety.

BLACK GOOD GUY
I'm pretty sure that didn't happen.

STEVEN SEAGALL
Oh...oh.
(goes away)

THE END

The Skulls

Directed by: Rob Cohen

Starring: It's a secret (but not a good one)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

COACH
Welcome, gentlemen, to The Femurs: the secretest secret society in the known universe. Now to take attendance. Political Bigwig?

SENATOR GRISSOM
Here.

COACH
Manly Moron?

PAUL “LOOK MA, I’M ACTING” WALKER
Here.

COACH
Asshole Assistant?

CHRISTOPHER MACDONALD
Here.

COACH
Washed-Up TV Idol?

PACEY
Here.

COACH
Actually, I was referring to myself.

(The candidates are put through several trials, each more demanding than the last, until they are finally inducted. There is a great banquet.)

THE FEMURS (singing)
Who controls the British crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do.
We do.

(Abruptly, Pacey’s best black friend ends up dead.)

PACEY
Manly Moron, you were the one who killed my best black friend, weren’t you?

PAUL “LOOK MA, I’M ACTING” WALKER
It wasn’t my fault! Tell him, Dad.

COACH
That colored boy had it coming. Now let’s all celebrate by smoking $300 cigars.

(Pacey digs deeper into the death and discovers that the real murderer was Coach.)

COACH
Pacey, your investigation has disgraced this society. As a consequence of your blatant insubordination and pursuant to our organization’s eighteenth century code of ethics, my son hereby challenges you to a duel.

PAUL “LOOK MA, I’M ACTING” WALKER
Oh, thanks.

(There is much disagreement amongst the socialites.)

COACH
See, it’s right here in our bylaws.

SENATOR GRISSOM
Yep, looks legal to me.

(They begin to pace off. Pacey throws his pistol to the ground. Instead of shooting him, Paul “Look Ma, I’m Acting” Walker shoots Coach.)

PAUL “LOOK MA, I’M ACTING” WALKER
I shot you because I love you.

SENATOR GRISSOM
Well, that wraps everything up. Time for me to return to Washington, where the notoriety of my deep involvement in this scandal is sure to whisk me to re-election.

THE END

The Vanishing

Directed by: The same guy who directed the good version
Starring: Jack Bauer (that's all you need to know)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Jack Bauer and Sandra Bullock are stopped at a gas station.)

JACK BAUER
I love you, Sandra Bullock.

SANDRA BULLOCK
And I love you, Jack Bauer.

(Five minutes later, Sandra Bullock has disappeared.)

JACK BAUER
Humph.

(Three years later...)

JACK BAUER
I love you, Nancy Travis.

NANCY TRAVIS
No, you still love your missing girlfriend.

JACK BAUER
You're right.

(Nancy Travis leaves. "Slow" Kidnapper shows up.)

SLOW KIDNAPPER
He-llo, Jaack. I'm the uune who kidnaapped your gurlfriend many mooons ago.

(Jack Bauer KICKS HIS ASS in true Jack Bauer form. Slow Kidnapper is beaten to a bloody pulp.)

JACK BAUER
Tell me what you did with her!

SLOW KIDNAPPER
Whaat?

JACK BAUER
DAMN IT! We don't have any time!!

SLOW KIDNAPPER
To... find... out... what... happened... to... Sandra... Bullock... you... have... to... go... through... exactly... what... she... went... through.

JACK BAUER
If you think I'm going to star in a horrible sequel to "Speed", you're crazier than you look.

SLOW KIDNAPPER
Yess, that would be too cruel. Here, just drink dis coffee instead.

JACK BAUER
Okay, but it better not be decaf.
(drinks)

(It is decaf, or drugged... Jack Bauer passes out. When he wakes up, he's buried underground in a coffin.)

JACK BAUER (calling)
Okay, I don't need to know anymore!

(With the help of Nancy Travis, Jack Bauer breaks out of his casket and kicks Slow Kidnapper's ass again, this time killing him.)

DUTCH FILM SNOBS
Huh?! This remake sucks! He's supposed to die in the coffin. They can't change the ending!

JACK BAUER
Of course I can, fucktards. I'm Jack Bauer. I can nuke your whole country if I feel like it.
(kills Dutch Film Snobs)
God bless America.

(He has passionate sex with Nancy Travis and then ditches her for a hotter girlfriend.)

THE END

Career Opportunities

Starring:
Frank Whaley as.....That Tool From School Who Thought He Was Cool
Jennifer Connelly as........................Girl Waaaay Outta His League
John Candy as...........Role That Likely Took All Of 5 Minutes To Film
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HIGH SCHOOL TOOL WHO THINKS HE'S COOL
I'm so hip. One day I'm gonna be the CEO of Target.

TARGET MANAGER
You can start by mopping the floors.

HIGH SCHOOL TOOL WHO THINKS HE'S COOL
That's ok. This is probably how Bill Gates began.

BILL GATES (watching)
What a fuckin' loser.

(Target closes, but High School Tool spots an extremely hot shoplifter in a shirt two sizes too small.)

HIGH SCHOOL TOOL WHO THINKS HE'S COOL
We have a policy of prosecuting all shoplifters, but I'll let you off the hook if you show me your rack.

GIRL WAY OUTTA HIS LEAGUE
Sorry, this is the one movie where I don't take my clothes off. But to compromise, I'll have sex with this toy horse.

(She does and it is hot.)

BUMBLING CROOKS FROM HOME ALONE (show up)
We're notorious thieves. That's why we're robbing a Target.

HIGH SCHOOL TOOL WHO THINKS HE'S COOL (to Girl Way Outta His League)
Uh oh! Let's run around and do stupid shit!

(They do. Bumbling Crooks are outsmarted at every turn. Repeat.)

HIGH SCHOOL TOOL WHO THINKS HE'S COOL
I'm so hip.

(We reach the point in the movie where the editor apparently peaced out because the rest of the flick is as disjointed as a Mad Libs story.)

GIRL WAY OUTTA HIS LEAGUE (to High School Tool)
It's all right, I have a (noun) ___hot body___. I'll destract the crooks by (verb) ___stripping___. Meanwhile, you just try to look (description) __like an assface__. I promise that come tomorrow we will be relaxing in (location) __Abu Gharib__, sipping cocktails while watching the sunset.

THE END

The Exorcism of Emily Rose

Starring: Father Moore, Lawyer Who Lost Her Faith, Jack McCoy With A Mustache, Head Suit, Hot Possessed Chick, etc.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HEAD SUIT
You—Lawyer Who Lost Her Faith—we need you to defend Father Moore. He's an old quack priest who killed some chick during an exorcism. Have fun!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Outside the courthouse...)

LAWYER WHO LOST HER FAITH
Okay, Father, why don't you tell me what happened?

FATHER MOORE
I worked to dispell Satan and six other devils from Emily Rose's body, but he gripped her in the dark cloak of death!

LAWYER WHO LOST HER FAITH
I see... Now, are you familiar with the insanity defense?

JACK MCCOY WITH A MUSTACHE (shows up)
Hi, Father Moore. I'm from Law and Order S.T.F.U. Stoned Trippin' Fathers Unit. I understand you killed some freaky hot chick.

FATHER MOORE
She was possessed by the devil!

JACK MCCOY WITH A MUSTACHE
Hmm, a cokehead priest...we've seen a lot of this lately. Father, you been doin' some of mother nature's baby power? You been sniffin' the good stuff?

FATHER MOORE
Well, it's not the 80s and I'm not Lindsay Lohan, so NO.

JACK MCCOY WITH A MUSTACHE
You're charged with second degree murder, but you've got a nice face and I've got a lunch engagement with one of my prostitutes, so I'm willing to drop the charges to reckless jaywalking, $18 fine.

FATHER MOORE
NO DEALS.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The trial begins. A third of the audience leaves the movie to see if they are in the right theatre. They do not return. Occasionally we see flashbacks featuring Emily Rose twisted into a pretzel.)

GUY IN AUDIENCE
A contortionist chick...that's hot.

(We see a flashback of the exorcism. Father Moore, Emily's Dad, Emily's Boyfriend and Pussy Doctor are present.)

FATHER MOORE
Who is in you?!

EMILY ROSE (possessed)
Cain! Nero! Hecuba! Judas! Carrottop!

FATHER MOORE
Dear Christ!

PUSSY DOCTOR (to Boyfriend)
How can you possibly still be seeing her?

BOYFRIEND
Look how many men she's let in her already. It's just a matter of time before I get lucky.

(The exorcism finishes, but nothing is different.)

DAD
Now what?

FATHER MOORE
Hell if I know.

(Mary, Mother of God shows up.)

FATHER MOORE
Ah, now it all makes sense.

(Mary does nothing and goes away.)

FATHER MOORE
Shit.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Back at the trial. Closing arguments.)

JACK MCCOY WITH A MUSTACHE
And then Emily Rose died. Find Father Moore guilty of murder.
(sits)

LAWYER WHO LOST HER FAITH
I was an atheist, but then freaky shit began happening in my apartment, so now I believe in God. Anyway, vote not guilty.

(Thirty seconds later.)

JURORS
We find the defendant guilty...

JUDGE (sweating, to herself)
Uh oh, I thought this movie wasn't supposed to take a stand one way or the other. Now Pat Robertson's gonna be on our ass.

JURORS
...but we think he's nice and shouldn't go to jail.

JUDGE
Phew...

PAT ROBERTSON
Hooray!

THE END

Lolita

Directed by: Stanley Kubrick (a.k.a. "Scary Man with Crazy Beard")
Starring: Humbert (squared), Lolita, Slutty Landlady and Woody Allen
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HUMBERT (squared)
I'm a divorced British professor of French literature who has traveled to small town America in order to teach at the local school. I need a place to stay.

SLUTTY LANDLADY
I'll rent you my vagin...I mean, my spare room. By the way here's my precocious, sexually-curious teenage daughter, Lolita.

HUMBERT (squared)
Shaawing!

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SLUTTY LANDLADY
Wanna sleep with me?

HUMBERT (squared)
Nope.

(Slutty Landlady finds out Humbert is a pedaphile lusting after her daughter. Five seconds later she is run over by a car.)

HUMBERT (squared)
Phew, that was convenient. Hey, Lolita! Let's go for a vacation without Mummy. By the way, don't look down the street.

(He and Lolita travel the country. Lolita is totally macking on him.)

HUMBERT (squared)
By the way, your mom is dead.

LOLITA
I hate you. No, I don't.

(She does.)

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(They stop at a hotel for the night. Humbert squared goes onto the porch for some air.)

WOODY ALLEN
Oh Gawd! Hello.

HUMBERT (squared)
Um, hi.

WOODY ALLEN
You have a nice face. I wish I had a nice face. That's a pretty little girl with you. I like little girls.

HUMBERT (squared)
Ok, I think I'll go back inside now.

WOODY ALLEN
Youhaveanicefacegoodnight.

(We think Lolita and Humbert squared get it on, but we don't see anything. They continue to drive cross country. It becomes apparent that Lolita wears the pants in the relationship.)

LOLITA
Stop at the next gas station.

HUMBERT (squared)
Why?

LOLITA
Cause I said so, bitch!

(Humbert squared goes inside to take a piss and sees Lolita mackin' it with some dude in a coupe, who then drives off.)

HUMBERT (squared)
Who was that?

LOLITA
Who?

HUMBERT (squared)
That guy.

LOLITA
What guy?

HUMBERT (squared)
The guy in that car?

LOLITA
What car?

HUMBERT (squared)
The car that just left this gas station.

LOLITA
What gas station?

HUMBERT (squared)
Stop playing games!

LOLITA
Who's on first?

HUMBERT (squared)
Who?

LOLITA
Exactly.

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(Their affair continues unfettered except now she acts like a bitch and he like a pussy all of the time instead of 90% of the time. Then Lolita gets "sick".)

LOLITA
*Cough, Cough*

HUMBERT (squared)
I'll call the ambulence!

(The next morning he goes to the hospital to have her released.)

HUMBERT (squared)
I'm here to pick up Lolita.

NURSE
Oh, Uncle Buck came to pick her up three hours ago.

HUMBERT (squared) (turns into the Hulk and starts knocking over shit)
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! BLAH!! BOOO!! BRAHHH!!

NURSE (to an orderly)
Call the police!

HUMBERT (squared)
I'm cool.

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(One year passes without a trace of Lolita. Then one day she sends him a letter and he goes to visit her.)

LOLITA
Hi. Dis is my baby daddy. We're hard up for some cash.

HUMBERT (squared)
Come back with me.

LOLITA
You stupid fucking prick. I was fucking around on your pathetic ass with a guy who makes a fortune directing movies and playing with little girls: Woody Allen. By the way, I always hated you.

HUMBERT (squared)
Here's five thousand dollars.

LOLITA
I love you! Visit anytime!

(Humbert squared departs in tears and then kills Woody Allen.)

HUMBERT (squared)
That was for Lolita...and "What's Up, Tiger Lilly". That movie sucked!

THE END