American Pie

Starring: Sex-crazed teenage duds pursuing girls way out of their league
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JASON BIGGS
I'm horny.

ALYSON HANNIGAN
I'm horny.

CHRIS KLEIN
I'm horny.

NATASHA LYONNE
I'm horny.

FINCH
I'm horny.

SHANNON ELIZABETH
I'm horny.

STIFLER
I'm horny.

STIFLER'S MOM
I'm horny.

APPLE PIE
I'm horny.

(Most of the cast ends up screwing each other. The rest pitifully attempt to rationalize their lack of play.)

EVERYONE
We're happy we all understand each other now.

"USED" APPLE PIE
Yet I can't help but feel a bit violated...

THE END

Quiz Show

Directed by: Robert Redford
Starring: A Jewish Ken Jennings, Ted Turner, Chuck Woolery, New England Lawyah, Swarmy TV Execs, Overshadowed Son, and Smart Dad
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TED TURNER
How'd we do this week?

INTERN
Everything's up, sir...except for Quiz Show, whose ratings have dropped faster than Janet Reno's testicles.

TED TURNER
What?! Who's our reigning champion?

INTERN
A Jewish Ken Jennings.

TED TURNER
Sweet Christ... Call in Swarmy TV Execs, stat!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SWARMY TV EXEC ONE
Jewish Ken, you know how we've given you the answers to the quiz show week after week and you've made like thousands of dollars? Well, now we need you to take a dive.

JEWISH KEN JENNINGS
Forget it. The audience loves me.

SWARMY TV EXEC TWO
Actually, they hate you. Besides, if you want a future in television, you'll take a dive.

JEWISH KEN JENNINGS
All right.

SWARMY TV EXEC TWO
Sucker.

(Jewish Ken Jennings takes a dive. Now Overshadowed Son is the champion.)

SWARMY TV EXEC ONE
Congratulations, Overshadowed Son! You obviously have an incredible intellect. Now, here are all the answers for next week's show.

OVERSHADOWED SON
What? I don't want the answers. I want to play fair and square.

SWAMY TV EXEC TWO
C'mon.

OVERSHADOWED SON
Ok.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NEW ENGLAND LAWYAH
The quiz show is rigged and I can prove it.

SWARMY TV EXECS
*Yawn*

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NEW ENGLAND LAWYAH
The quiz show is rigged and I can prove it.

TED TURNER
*Yawn*

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NEW ENGLAND LAWYAH
The quiz show is rigged and I can prove it.

JEWISH KEN JENNINGS
I know, I'm the one who told you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NEW ENGLAND LAWYAH
The quiz show is rigged and I can prove it.

OVERSHADOWED SON
DEAR GOD—How did you find out??!! Uh...I mean, coffee?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OVERSHADOWED SON
The grand jury investigating the quiz show scandal wants me to testify. Should I do it?

TED TURNER
No.

NEW ENGLAND LAWYAH
Yes.

SWARMY TV EXECS
No.

JEWISH KEN JENNINGS
Yes.

CHUCK WOOLERY
No.

SMART DAD
Yes.

OVERSHADOWED SON
Really, Dad, you think I should?

SMART DAD
Of course. You have nothing to hide.

OVERSHADOWED SON
Actually, I've been systematically cheating from the very beginning.

SMART DAD
Well, fuck you then.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Overshadowed Son testifies publicly about the quiz show scandal.)

NEW ENGLAND LAWYAH
Good. Now evehything is right again.

OVERSHADOWED SON AND SWARMY TV EXECS
Except we lost our jobs.

SMART DAD
And I lost respect for my son.

JEWISH KEN JENNINGS
And I lost my annoying Jewish caricature.

TED TURNER
And I just got richer! Hahahah!

AUDIENCE
Wait a minute...this isn't a happy ending at all.

TED TURNER
That's right. I hope you all realize the moral of this story: TV is evil. ...except for TBS and TNT—they're some good shit.

THE END

Wild Things

Starring: Denise Richards and Neve Campbell as Hot 20-Something High School Sluts, Matt Dillon as Hot Teacher, Kevin Bacon as Officer Weiner, and Bill Murray as Bit Part He Had To Take Cause He Lost A Bet
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DENISE RICHARDS
Have sex with me.

MATT DILLON
Okay.

(They do it.)

DENISE RICHARDS
You raped me.

MATT DILLON
No, I didn't.

NEVE CAMPBELL
Yeah, uh, you raped me too.

OFFICER KEVIN BACON
You're in big trouble, pretty boy.

NEVE CAMPBELL
Wait, I was lying.

OFFICER KEVIN BACON
Matt Dillon, you're a free man.
(leaves)

MATT DILLON
Hahaha, I was really "in on it" the whole time. We tricked everybody, girls, and now we're rich for some reason.

(There is a threesome scene between Matt Dillon, Denise Richards and Neve Campbell. It is HOT. Then it ends.)

MALE AUDIENCE
Excuse me, projectionist? Something went wrong. It skipped the part where Neve Campbell takes her top off.

PROJECTIONIST
Sorry, Neve has a no-nudity clause in her contract.

(Neve Campbell's stock immediately drops to post-1997 Alicia Silverstone levels.)

OFFICER KEVIN BACON
Hey, y'all want more nudity? Here's my wang.

(Kevin Bacon's stock climbs dramatically amongst Manhattan Drag Queens.)

OFFICER KEVIN BACON
By the way, I was also "in on it".

(Every other character turns out to have been "in on it" too. Then everyone except Neve Campbell dies.)

NEVE CAMPBELL
I wonder if I'd have better success in my career if I stay a blonde.

ALICIA SILVERSTONE
Hah...right.

THE END

Alien

Directed by: Ridley Scott
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Scene: The Nostromo spacecraft. A distress call wakes the crew from their hypersleep.)

DALLAS
Hey, everybody. Looks like someone's in trouble on Spooky Planet. Let's go!

BRETT
How the hell are we gonna help? We're a bunch of space miners.

ASH
I think it's very important that we land on Spooky Planet. VERY important.

BRETT
Well, that convinced me. Let's go.

(They land on Spooky Planet. Kane leaves the ship to investigate and returns with a mutated starfish attached to his face. Ripley lies Kane down in the medical ward while the Nostromo takes off again.)

RIPLEY
Let's cut this thing off him.

DALLAS
Can't. It bleeds acid.

PARKER
Let's dump some baking soda on it.

LAMBERT
What good will that do?

PARKER
Might look cool.

(The crew becomes bored and leaves Kane alone. Later, Ripley wonders by the ward.)

RIPLEY
Hey, look at Kane. That thing's gone now.

KANE (wakes up)
Boy, nothing like frenching a mutant starfish for three hours to give a guy an appetite. What's for dinner?

(They all sit down to a heaping portion of spaghetti.)

BRETT
Great to have you back, Kane.

(Suddenly, an alien bursts out of Kane's stomach and dashes out of the room.)

DALLAS
This tastes bland as shit. Pass the tabasco sauce.

RIPLEY
Dallas, Kane's stomach just exploded.

DALLAS
Really? In that case, forget the tabasco.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The alien has killed Brett.)

DALLAS
Hmm...this thing might be dangerous. Let me crawl into the Super Scary Claustrophobic Air Ducts and see if I can get a better look at it.

(He does and dies.)

RIPLEY
Let's kill the alien.

ASH
No, let's befriend it.

RIPLEY
Ash...you appear to be bleeding milk.

(Ash goes crazy and attacks Ripley, but Parker kicks his ass. Turns out Ash is an android that was sent to kidnap the alien.)

ASH
And I would've gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for you nosy kids!

(Parker blowtorches him.)

LAMBERT
Now what?

RIPLEY
I think we should blow up the ship and ditch in the Super Cramped Experimental Escape Shuttle. I'll go get the ship's cat. You two go down the Super Scary Pitch Black Passageway.

(They do and are killed by the alien.)

RIPLEY
Oops. Oh well, it's for the best. We only have two hypersleep pods anyway, and one's reserved for the cat.

(Ripley jettisons the ship in the escape shuttle. The Nostromo blows up.)

RIPLEY
I just exploded an eighty trillion dollar spacecraft in order to kill some two-bit alien. God, life is good!

(The alien shows up.)

RIPLEY
Oh, eff this.
(begins undressing in order to put on her space suit)

ALIEN (drooling)
You're such a tease. Do I make you horny, baby?

RIPLEY
Huh?

ALIEN
Just setting up the sexual tension between us, so it will make sense when we "do it" in the sequel.

RIDLEY SCOTT
You're joking.

JEAN-PIERRE JEUNET
No.

RIDLEY SCOTT
See ya.
(takes off and never looks back)

THE END

Passenger 57

Starring: Wesley Snipes, British terrorists and country yokels
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Scene: Warner Bros. Executive Headquarters. April, 1991.)

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
All right, people. This company is in dire need of a blockbuster action flick. Think "Die Hard", but bigger and more outrageous.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE TWO
How about a "Die Hard" clone set in the air? You know, we can have terrorists take over an airplane.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
Brilliant! And with an original twist.

WARNER BROS. LACKEY
Sorry to interrupt...but didn't a sequel to "Die Hard" about terrorists taking over airplanes come out like last year?

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
Get the fuck out of my office.

(Warner Bros. Lackey is escorted from the building.)

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
Now, where were we?

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE TWO
The film should be realistic. For instance, we'll have the terrorists be Brits.

WARNER BROS. EXEC THREE
Why would Brits hijack an American airliner?

WARNER BROS. EXEC TWO
They could still be pissed off about losing the Revolution.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
Love it!

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE THREE
But a full-length film taking place solely on an airplane might get a bit tedious, especially if we're not planning to add details like plot and character development.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
Hmm...this may be true.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE TWO
I got it! We'll have the plane land for a few minutes so the terrorists can hop over to a nearby amusement park for some carnival antics before they take off again.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE FOUR
That'll help the movie relate to the average viewer. Flight holdovers are common to Joe 6-pack.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
Who should the hero be?

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE TWO
How about a ruthless city cop with a grudge against international terrorists?

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
Hmm, sounds like John McClane.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE TWO
But...we'll make him black.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE

Yes!

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE THREE
We can get Wesley Snipes.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE TWO
And we can throw in a gag where he's mistaken for Arsenio Hall.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE FOUR
Does Wesley Snipes look like Arsenio Hall?

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE TWO
I don't know. But they're both black!

(They make the movie.)

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
Well, that flopped. What the hell went wrong?

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE TWO

We broke the cardinal rule of filmmaking. Too much exposition; not enough black jokes.

THE END

Kazaam

Directed by: (deleted out of sympathy for the director)
Starring: Shaq...do you even need to know the rest?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Lost Moviegoer wonders into the theatre.)

LOST MOVIEGOER
Excuse me, is this the screen for Jerry Maguire?

PIMPLY-FACED USHER
No, this is the screen for Kazaam, the film starring L.A. Lakers' center Shaquille O'Neill as a wish-granting genie in a magical lamp who befriends a young city boy and—

(Lost Moviegoer leaves the theatre.)

THE END

Mortal Kombat

Starring: Everybody from the first game and like 2 or 3 from the second.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT (to Johnny Cage, Sonya and Liu Kang)
I am the god of thunder and lightening. I have brought you all to this island to fight in a tournament between worlds called mortal kombat. It's mortal men and women fighting for the fate of the universe.

LIU KANG
If it's just mortal men and women, then why are we fighting some beast with four arms and another dude who as far as I can gather is a shapeshifting sorcerer?

CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT
There can be only one.

SONYA
What does that mean?

CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT
Oops, wrong flick. What I meant is, the balance of the realms hinges on your victory.

JOHNNY CAGE
Why do I feel you have no idea what you're talking about?

CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT
Look pal, this is a movie based on a video game. You're lucky we're even attempting a plot. It was either this or I zap electricity from my fingers for 90 minutes.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Liu Kang, Sonya and Johnny Cage fight the "mortal" combatants. The mysterious Princess Kitana is watching.)

SHANG TSUNG (to Goro)
That Princess Kitana is up to no good. Keep her far away from all the combatants, especially that Liu Kang guy.

GORO
Done.
(schedules Princess Kitana as Liu Kang's next opponent)
D'oh!

(Princess Kitana helps Liu Kang win all his fights.)

LIU KANG
Now I will fight Shang Tsung.

PRINCESS KITANA
Wait! First let me tell you how to win.

JOHNNY CAGE
I'm about to fight that four-armed freak. Any advice for me?

PRINCESS KITANA
No. Fuck off.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Liu Kang faces off against Shang Tsung.)

LIU KANG
Down, Down, Back, Down, High Kick.

(Shang Tsung dies. The ghosts of all the people he killed escape. Liu Kang has a heart to heart with his dead brother.)

CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT
Congratulations, mortals. Shang Tsung is dead and the evil emperor has been disgraced. Your victory has ensured the prosperity of the earth realm. The stars are now aligned for the path of the new chosen one...ah fuck this.
(goes back to filming another Highlander sequel)

THE END

Die Hard

Starring: Bruce Willis, Alan Rickman, Principal Vernon, Carl Winslow and Steve Urkel
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(McClane has arrived at LAX. He goes up to Cool Black Guy, who is holding a sign with his name.)

McCLANE
I'm a pissed off cop from New York. I hate everyone on the west coast. I'm only here because I'm trying to score with my estranged wife. Get all that? Okay, now drive me to this Japanese brothel/office building.

COOL BLACK GUY
Fo'shizzle da nizzle.

(McClane arrives at the skyscraper. He ascends to the 60th floor, where there's a large party going on. In the background many Japanese men screw many prostitues.)

MRS. McCLANE (shows up with Slick Prick)
Hi.

McCLANE
Hi.

SLICK PRICK
Hey goober, wanna do a line of coke with me?

McCLANE
That's so '80s.

SLICK PRICK
Touche.

(Meanwhile, several German terrorists, Genghis Kahn and Steve Urkel have infiltrated the building. They hold all the party guests hostage. McClane is in the whizzer.)

HEAD TERRORIST ALAN RICKMAN
Everyone remain calm. We are only here to conduct an unnecessarily elaborate and expensive burglary. If you do as we say, you will be unharmed.
(to Random Terrorist)
By the way, have you peppered the entire building with C4 yet?

RANDOM TERRORIST
Check.

(Meanwhile, McClane has killed a terrorist and is trying to radio the police.)

McCLANE (over the radio)
Help, you idiots! We're being held hostage! Send police to rescue us!

(In the parking lot, the police arrive to rescue them.)

McCLANE
What are you doing, you morons?! Don't try to rescue us!
(to himself)
I need a distraction to clear the fuzz out of the way. I know! I'll drop some C4 I found down this elevator shaft.

McCLANE'S BRAIN
Uh, hold on a moment... Are you sure it's a good idea to blow up the base of the skyscraper you're presently inside?

McCLANE
Yippee-ki-yay!

(He drops the explosives down the elevator shaft and there is a HUMUNGOUS EXPLOSION, but fortunately the structure of the building remains completely intact.)

LAWS OF PHYSICS (show up)
Sorry, we were in the can. What'd we miss?

(Meanwhile, Officer Carl Winslow is performing the heroic duty of listening to the police radio while sitting on his ass.)

CARL WINSLOW (to McClane over the radio)
And then...when I was twenty-four, I shot a kid during a raid. Oh God, it was horrible! I'll never get over that day as long as I live...

ALAN RICKMAN (over the radio)
Will you please shut the fuck up? I thought we agreed to limit our broadcast time on this channel to five minutes each. It's crowded enough as it is.

HANS AND FRANS (over the radio)
Are you talking to us, boss?

ALAN RICKMAN (over the radio)
No.

PRINCIPAL VERNON (over the radio)
Who said that?

McCLANE (over the radio)
Not me.

(Meanwhile, Slick Prick gets killed, but Reporter Prick shows up to take his place. McClane kills all the terrorists except Alan Rickman. Then he kills Alan Rickman. Then the building BLOWS UP. But McClane and the hostages are SAFE. Then a terrorist COMES BACK TO LIFE, but Carl Winslow SHOOTS him.)

CARL WINSLOW
Hey, now I can kill people without any lingering feelings of sympathy or remorse...I'm cured!

THE END

Speed 2: Cruise Control

Directed by: Jan De Bont
Starring: Sandra Bullock, Willem Dafoe, and Lame White Pretty Boy
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Sandra Bullock is standing in front of a cruise ship.)

SANDRA BULLOCK
Oooh, I'm about to start a long, romantic, tropical cruise with Keanu Reeves. I can't wait!

LAME WHITE PRETTY BOY
Hi.

SANDRA BULLOCK
Who the hell are you? Where's Keanu?

LAME WHITE PRETTY BOY
He abandoned ship. How about the two of us set sail instead?

SANDRA BULLOCK
Hmm...what's your cabin like?

LAME WHITE PRETTY BOY
Let me tell you something, lady. It's not the size of your cabin that counts; it's the motion in the ocean.

SANDRA BULLOCK
Yeah, I've heard that one before.

(Sandra Bullock and Lame White Pretty Boy board the ship. The vacation goes well until Willem Dafoe appears.)

WILLEM DAFOE
Hoo-hoo-haa-haa!! I'm crazy, get it?!

(Willem DaFoe takes over the ship and most likely steers it in a different direction. Of course, since we're in the middle of the ocean surrounded by water as far as the eye can see, we neither notice nor care.)

PANICKED PASSENGERS
We're going fast! We're out of control!

AUDIENCE (snoring)
Zzzzzzzzzzzz...

(The shore comes into view. The ship is about to careen into a resort town.)

LAME WHITE PRETTY BOY
Quick, drop an anchor or something to stop us.

JAN DE BONT
Forget it, the crash scene stays in. We blew our entire budget on it. Why do you think we've been feeding y'all hot pockets for the past six weeks?

(The ship impacts the dock. Because the ship appears to be moving as slow as molasses to the untrained eye of an audience member, Extremely Annoying Scottish Crewman cries out the present speed every five seconds.)

EXTREMELY ANNOYING SCOTTISH CREWMAN
Four knots!!!!!

LONE DUMBASS IN AUDIENCE
Holy shit! Four knots!!!

(Finally, the ship stalls.)

AUDIENCE MEMBERS STILL AWAKE
Thank God...it's over.

WILLEM DAFOE
Not so fast, I'm still alive. And I'm still CRAZY!!!!
(goes on a joyride on his waverunner)
See, here's where the SPEED part of the movie comes into play!
(blows up)

(Everyone associated with the movie is called into 20th Century Fox's boardroom.)

TRUMP
Okay, who was responsible for this debacle?

JAN DE BONT
I was the project manager, sir, so I should take the blame.

TRUMP
I like your honesty, you can stay. But Lame White Pretty Boy, you got a shot at the big time and you blew it. Opportunity doesn't knock twice, kid, so when it does, you don't walk to answer, you run. But in your case, you were asleep at the helm. Some folks are not cut out for Hollywood, and you're one of them. YOU'RE FIRED.

(Dejected, Lame White Pretty Boy goes on to make even worse films.)

THE END

Magnolia

Directed by: P. T. Anderson
Starring: Pretentious actors playing dull characters
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The film begins with a cool narrative about urban legends. The audience is entranced. Suddenly, an episode of COPS begins and John C. Reilly's ugly mug fills the screen.)

BLACK LADY (to John C. Reilly)
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!

(A dead guy falls out of her closet.)

TOM CRUISE (appears)
All females should suck my massive cock.

JASON ROBARDS
I'm dying.

TOM CRUISE
Good. You can suck my cock too.

WILLIAM H. MACY
I used to be a quiz-show champ. Now I'm gay.

JULIANNE MOORE (to a pharmacist)
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!

MAINSTREAM AUDIENCE
We're getting a bit nervous here...two hours have passed and we don't know what the hell is going on.

(The cast sings a song. Some smart kid pisses his pants. Then it begins to rain frogs.)

FROGS
Rib-splat.

(Jason Robards dies and Tom Cruise cries. We don't care. The three hour mark is reached.)

OTHER CAST MEMBERS (to anyone)
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!

(Some characters are now less miserable than they were at the start of the film. The audience, however, is more miserable.)

MAINSTREAM AUDIENCE
That sucked.

P. T. ANDERSON GROUPIES
You're uncultured and don't appreciate real art.

MAINSTREAM AUDIENCE
Fine, then sum up what this movie was about in one sentence.

(Silence.)

FROG
Rib-it.

THE END

American Beauty

Directed by: Sam Mendes
Starring: Kevin Spacey as Depressed Husband, Annette Benning as Depressed Wife, and Others as Depressed Supporting Cast
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

KEVIN SPACEY
I'm a lonely suburbanite having a midlife crisis.

ANNETTE BENNING
Me too.

KEVIN SPACEY
Yes, but we can't relate with each other.

ANNETTE BENNING
No.

THORA BIRCH
I'm their depressed daughter. I also have big boobs, see?
(shows us)

HOT SKANK
I'm the school slut.

FUTURE CHILD MOLESTOR
I videotape young girls undressing.

FUTURE CHILD MOLESTER'S NAZI FATHER
I'm the creepy kid's father. I hate gays/Jews/blacks—that about covers it. Heil!

PETER GALLAGHER
I'm some guy.

ALL CHARACTERS
Watch us all interact.

(They do. It is touching.)

HOT SKANK
Turns out I'm really a virgin.

THORA BIRCH & FUTURE CHILD MOLESTER
Turns out we're in love.

ANNETTE BENNING
Turns out I'm a basketcase.

FUTURE CHILD MOLESTER'S NAZI FATHER
Turns out I'm a closet queer.

KEVIN SPACEY
Turns out I'm dead.

PETER GALLAGHER
Turns out I'm still some guy.

(Six months later.)

KEVIN SPACEY, SAM MENDES & ALAN BALL
Turns out we're Oscar winners.

ANNETTE BENNING
Turns out I'm not.

THE END

Pet Sematary

Starring: Stupid Doctor, Ugly Wife, Herman Munster, and Winston Churchill as the Evil Cat
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LOUIS CREED
I'm a successful doctor with new house and a loving family. My life is perfect.

(The family cat, Winston Churchill, ventures into the road and gets run over by an 18-wheeler.)

LOUIS CREED
Damn that brazen cat. We shoulda named him Neville Chamberlain; then he would have spent his afternoons cowering behind the dresser. Now I'll have to tell my daughter that her favorite family member is dead...

HERMAN MUNSTER
Not so fast. You seem like a nice enough guy. Let me give you the down lo'...there's a special Indian burial ground by a pet cemetary where the dead come back to life.

(They both bury "Church" in the burial ground, who subsequently comes back to life.)

HERMAN MUNSTER
By the way, that burial ground is cursed. Everything it brings back is evil. So never bury anything in that place.

LOUIS CREED
Umm...thanks?

(The days pass. Everything seems back to normal, except the cat is EVIL. Then Louis's son wonders into the street and it struck by an 18-wheeler.)

LOUIS CREED
Obviously, I'm a terrible father.

LOUIS'S WIFE
It's okay, Louis, I forgive you. Remember my freaky bedridden sister Zelda? I killed that bitch good.

LOUIS CREED
And how!

(Time passes.)

LOUIS CREED
I'm depressed. If only there was a way to make everything normal again... Herman Munster and the ghost of that guy who got his head split open are telling me not to use the pet cemetary, but how bad could it be? I mean, the cat's the same, except he smells like ass and is EVIL.

(He buries his son in the pet cemetary. His son comes back to life, is EVIL and starts killing everyone, including his wife.)

LOUIS CREED
Okay, I admit in hindsight, that was probably not the best move.
(injects his evil son with poison, killing him...again)
There, that's better. Now if only there were a way to bring my wife back to life... Hmm...

(He buries his wife in the pet cemetary. She becomes EVIL and kills him.)

AUDIENCE
And we're supposed to believe this guy passed med school?

THE END

The Sixth Sense

Directed by: M. Night Sha-na-na

Starring: Dr. Bruce Willis, Sad Yet Cute Kid, artsy cinematography, ghosts, and THE COLOR RED
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Sad Yet Cute Kid is Dr. Bruce's patient.)

DR. BRUCE
Now, Cole, I want you to know that I'm here to help, not to judge you. You should feel free to tell me your troubles uninhibited, and I will listen with an open mind.

SAD YET CUTE KID
I see dead people.

DR. BRUCE
Whoa, you're a fuckin' fruit loop! Good luck with all that.
(reconsiders)

On the other hand, since you seem to be the only person in the past five months who's given me the time of day, I guess I'll stick around.

(Sad Yet Cute Kid begins telling Dr. Bruce his troubles.)

SAD YET CUTE KID
...and last night I was visited by the ghost of that girl from "The O.C." She was in a nightgown.

DR. BRUCE
Hot damn. That's my kind of fantasy. Sha-wing!

SAD YET CUTE KID
She was twelve years old.

DR. BRUCE
You're one sick mofo, Cole.

(Dr. Bruce and Sad Yet Cute Kid board the Mystery Machine and drive around town solving all the spooky mysteries. We see RED, RED, RED, RED, RED, and RED. Now the Sad Yet Cute Kid is not as sad.)

DR. BRUCE
Hmm, I discovered a new field...ghost psychology. I just doubled my patient-base. Now I'll go home to my peculiarly distant wife.

SAD YET CUTE KID
There's something I've been meaning to tell you...

DR. BRUCE
No need to thank me, Cole. All in a day's work. Say hi to your mom for me.

SAD YET CUTE KID
Actually, I was refering to the fact that you're dead.

DR. BRUCE
Huh?

SAD YET CUTE KID
My mom doesn't know who you are, much less that I've been coming to see you.

DR. BRUCE
Well, that explains why you've been paying me in Monopoly money. And also why there's this big, gaping bullet hole in my chest. But...why did you wait ten months to fill me in?

SAD YET CUTE KID
Meh, the subject never came up.

M. NIGHT SHAMAN
RED! RED! RED! RED! RED!

THE END

Predator

Starring: Governor Ahhnold Schwarzenegger, Governor Jesse Ventura, Apollo Creed, and some chick
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GOVERNOR SCHWARZENEGGER
Come, commandos! We must rescue dee kidnapped hostages deep within da jungle of dis Latin American country!

(They attempt to do so. A huge battle breaks out. The commandos kill all the bad guys and burn a village to the ground.)

GOVERNOR VENTURA
No! The hostages have died by the hands of the terrorists!

APOLLO CREED
Either that or by the grenade I tossed in the hut they were cowering in.

GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER
Either way, our mission is ovah. Let us return to da baaaase.

(The commandos make their way back through the jungle. They are picked off one by one.)

GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER
Whaaat? We are still being shot. How is dees possible?

APOLLO CREED
Look up in that tree...it's an alien with a gun!
(gets shot)

GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER
Dee alien will follow us back to town. We must close the border!

GOV. VENTURA
And deal with the political fallout? Are you crazy?!

GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER
Dees is an alien terrorist! Dees alien is breaking the law! We must stop dee illegal alien!

GOV. VENTURA
Not all aliens are terrorists. He's only following us to escape his present dismal environment and start his life anew in a land of prosperity. I say we pursue a policy of appeasment.
(gets shot by the alien)

GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER
No more girly men. Now we do eet my way.

(He covers himself in mud and ambushes the alien, wrestling him to the ground. The alien turns into a suicide bomber and blows himself up. Gov. Schwarzenegger escapes just in time.)

GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER
Through my minutemahn policy I have eeensured the safety of dis country.

AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL, THE ACLU, AND BARBARA BOXER
Boooooo!

(The sequel begins. Now the illegal alien is inhabiting Los Angeles.)

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1
I didn't know this was going to be a documentary.

THE END

Cliffhanger

Starring: Bad Guys 1-9, Rocky, Rocky's Friends Past and Present, Bill & Ted, and Serious John Lithgow
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Bad Guys 1 and 2 are on a U.S. Treasury jet flying above the Rocky Mountains.)

BAD GUY 1
Woohoo, we just hijacked a treasury jet! We're millionaires!

BAD GUY 2
And look, our Bad Guy Partners are flying in the plane next to us. Should we signal them to land, so we can transfer the money safely?

BAD GUY 1
No, let's do a midair exhange between the planes via zip line.

(They attempt to do so. Bad Guy 2 and all the suitcases of money FALL.)

BAD GUY 1
Oops.

(The Bad Guys CRASH their plane into a mountain, but they are OK.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Rocky, Rocky's Friend, Rocky's Chick, and Nice Old Guy are hanging out in a Mountain Ranger Station.)

ROCKY (to his friend)
I've been depressed ever since I dropped your girlfriend off that mountain.

ROCKY'S FRIEND
Good. I hate you.

NICE OLD GUY
Can't we all just get along?

VOICE ON RADIO
Help, save us!

ROCKY'S CHICK
Someone's in trouble...

ROCKY'S FRIEND
You know what that means...

ROCKY
Time for the Mighty Rocky Mountain Rangers!

(Mighty Rocky Mountain Rangers theme song plays. The Rangers get changed into their gear and show up at the crash site.)

SERIOUS JOHN LITHGOW (holding a gun)
Thanks for coming, suckers. We need you to help us Bad Guys find our stolen money we have packed in black Samsonite briefcases.

ROCKY'S FRIEND
Hey, it's John Lithgow! You make me laugh.

SERIOUS JOHN LITHGOW
Fine, but this time I'm serious. In fact the only thing humorous about my performance in this movie is that I am trying to act serious.

ROCKY'S FRIEND
Haha!

SERIOUS JOHN LITHGOW
Shut up, I'm being serious here.

ROCKY'S FRIEND
Heeheehee!

(Serious John Lithgow shoots Nice Old Man.)

ROCKY'S FRIEND
I'll be quiet.

SERIOUS JOHN LITHGOW
Okay, which one of you is going to climb this mountain and find our money?

ROCKY
Uh, I'll do it.

BAD GUY 3
Mmm...I was hoping you'd say that. First, take off your jacket.

ROCKY
Huh, why?

BAD GUY 3
Ooooh, cause you've got big strong arms...oh baby, you so bad!

(Rocky goes to find the money, but he really is TRICKING THEM. Serious John Lithgow yells and raises a clenched fist to show he is serious. Meanwhile Rocky's Friend stays with the bad guys and ends up killing them all one by one, including British Football coughsoccercough Bad Guy. Bill & Ted also show up and they die too.)

SERIOUS JOHN LITHGOW (in a helicopter)
What am I supposed to be doing again...? Oh, that's right, getting the money. So, did you find it yet?

ROCKY
Yeah, here it is.

SERIOUS JOHN LITHGOW
Okay, toss it here. Just, um, be careful you don't drop it or anything cause that would be a bitch to find, and frankly we don't have another two hours to kill.

(Rocky tosses the suitcase in the helicopter's blades and the money gets all chopped up into confetti. Serious John Lithgow dies and Rocky and Rocky's Friend become friends again. Also, Rocky screws the girl.)

ROCKY
Grunt.

THE END

Cast Away

Directed by: Robert Zemeckis
Starring: Tom Hanks as FedEx Nazi, Helen Hunt as Grieving Slutty Girlfriend, Christopher Noth as Mr. Big, DMD, and Wilson the Talking Volleyball as Himself.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Tom Hanks addresses his FedEx employees with a "motivational" speech.)

TOM HANKS

All right, assholes. How long did it take you to deliver that package to Beijing?

ASSHOLE ONE
Uh, 22 hours.

TOM HANKS
22 hours?! What the fuck?! I could chicken dance to China faster than that! Get out of my sight! *Sigh.* Does no one understand me?

HELEN HUNT
I understand you.

TOM HANKS
We're in love. Here's a ring.

HELEN HUNT
Here's a locket.

TOM HANKS
I have to fly through a hurricane now.

HELEN HUNT
Okay.

(Tom Hanks rides in a FedEx plane, which crashes in the ocean after encountering the hurricane.)

TOM HANKS (bobbing in the water)
Gulp. Gulp. Choke. Slurp.
(makes it to shore)
Finally, back to civilization!
(realizes he's on a deserted island)
Aw, crap.

(He sits around for awhile.)

TOM HANKS
I'm hungry. I'll eat a coconut. First to get my knife...oh wait, that's right, I don't have one. No problem, I'll just build a fire and melt the coconut into a mushy broth. Where'd I put my matches? Oh that's right, I'm stranded on a deserted island without any possessions.

ROBERT ZEMECKIS
See, everybody! This scene demonstrates that adjusting to life outside our commercialized, automated world is hard.

(The tide pulls some FedEx boxes salvaged from the wrecked plane to shore. Tom Hanks opens one and discovers...)

WILSON THE TALKING VOLLEYBALL
Hello, old sport. Let's say you and I be chums.

TOM HANKS
Sure.

(Tom Hanks and Wilson the Talking Volleyball frolic and play together. They become the best of friends. But then one day Tom Hanks gets sad.)

TOM HANKS
I miss my sensible yet slutty girlfriend. But I'm stuck here with a boat that won't sail. I wish there was another way I could get off this island. If only there was an active volcano nearby...

WILSON THE TALKING VOLLEYBALL
Why don't you try putting a sail on your boat?

TOM HANKS
Sail on my boat? Sail...boat. Sailboat! Of course. Wilson, you're a genius!

WILSON THE TALKING VOLLEYBALL (puffing on his pipe)
Just trying to earn my keep, old sport.

(Now realizing that boats need power to move, Tom Hanks attaches a makeshift sail to his boat.)

TOM HANKS
All aboard!

(Tom Hanks and Wilson the Talking Volleyball sail the Pacific. But with no food and water, they soon become crazy. Tom Hanks begins singing an endless barrage of sea chanties. Wilson the Talking Volleyball, unable to cope, commits suicide by jumping overboard.)

TOM HANKS
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

(Five minutes later...)

TOM HANKS
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

(Ten minutes later he is rescued by a passing tanker. They take him back to civilization, where Tom Hanks delivers the only salvageable package from the plane crash. FexEx names him Employee of the Month.)

FEDEX PRESIDENT
Congratulations. Here's a gift certificate to Bath & Body Works. *Cough*youreallyneedashower*cough*

TOM HANKS
Not so fast. See that plane crashed on company time, so technically I've been on the clock ever since. Now it took me four years working nonstop to deliver that package. According to my calculations, you owe me $6,831,000.02 in overtime.

(Tom Hanks is fired.)

TOM HANKS
Oh well, at least I still have my girlfriend.

MR. BIG
Haha, nope. I stole her from you.

TOM HANKS
Well, I'll just win her back.

MR. BIG
I'm Mr. Big. You can't win.

(He's right.)

HELEN HUNT (to Tom Hanks)
I still love you, but you're out and Big's in. Too bad your plane had to crash. Otherwise you and I would be doing the horizontal tango every night, sometimes twice.

(Tom Hanks becomes depressed and insane, joining the ranks of all other former mail carriers.)

ROBERT ZEMECKIS
Okay everyone, what lesson did this movie teach us?

AUDIENCE
Always ship UPS.

THE END

War of the Worlds

Directed by: Steven Spielberg

Starring: A "heterosexual" Tom Cruise, the aliens from Independence Day, and scenes from other sci-fi movies.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Before the premier, Tom Cruise speaks to reporters.)

TOM CRUISE
Lately there’s been some speculation as to my, eh, sexual alignment. Let me state it plainly: all rumors that I live an alternative lifestyle are false. As a testament to this, allow me to introduce you to my new wife, the sizzling hot actress Katie Holmes. Additionally, in tonight’s movie I'll be playing a burly construction worker who scratches his balls a lot.

REPORTER
Wasn’t one of the Village People a construction worker?

TOM CRUISE
This press conference is over!

(The movie begins.)

TOM CRUISE
Hey, that was some weird lightening storm that just happened, eh kids?

PUNK SON
I hate you.

DAKOTA FANNING
Eeeeeeeeeeee!!

TOM CRUISE
I’m going to see what’s going on.

(He follows the rest of the neighborhood down the street. They arrive at a hole. Suddenly, the ground shakes and a huge alien ship on stilts emerges. The neighborhood watches in awe. The alien ship on stilts passes gas and defecates on the street.)

AUDIENCE
Was that really necessary?

(Suddenly, the alien ship starts shooting lasers that turn people into Cinnamon Toast Crunch.)

TOM CRUISE (runs home)
Kids, we gotta jet!

(They all hop into the car. Tom Cruise starts to back out of the driveway.)

TOM CRUISE
How’s your side look, son?

PUNK SON
It's clear.

TOM CRUISE
What about your way, Dakota?

DAKOTA FANNING
Eeeeeeeeeeee!!

(Tom Cruise begins to drive down the street.)

TOM CRUISE
It’s Boston or bust, so every other car better get outta my way!

PUNK SON
Looks like they already did, Dad.

TOM CRUISE
How convenient.

(Tom Cruise and kids tour the countryside, surviving an unruly mob, a ferry disaster, and a plane crash.)

PUNK SON
These aliens piss me off. I’m gonna join the army.

TOM CRUISE
You can’t do that.

PUNK SON
Watch me.

(He joins the army. Five seconds later the army gets blown up.)

TOM CRUISE
Damn… I hope I qualify for his veterans benefits.

(An alien foghorn is heard in the distance.)

ANDY DUFRESNE
Here, you can hide out in my cellar.

(They do.)

TOM CRUISE
Now what are we going to do?

ANDY DUFRESNE
Nothing. The aliens are destined to lose. Occupations always fail…except Japan and Germany after WWII.

(An alien anaconda slinks into the cellar.)

DAKOTA FANNING
Eeeeeeeeeeee!!

(They all hide. Cut to the kitchen scene from Jurassic Park. The alien anaconda leaves and the aliens from Independence Day show up.)

ANDY DUFRESNE
My God…look at that bad CGI.

TOM CRUISE
You’re too loud.
(kills him)

(The aliens leave. Cut to the rest of Independence Day: Tom Cruise penetrates the alien ship, blows it up from inside, and the aliens all catch a virus and die.)

AUDIENCE
Wow, Steven Spielberg surprised me. He actually had the guts to kill the son.

(Punk Son shows up.)

AUDIENCE
Never mind.

(End credits.)

SMART AUDIENCE GUY
Wait, wait, wait…I’m confused. When did the aliens bury those big ships beneath the ground?

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Uh, it was before mankind had evolved.

SMART AUDIENCE GUY
So why didn’t the aliens take over the world then?

(Silence.)

H.G. WELLS (shows up)
Hey.

TOM CRUISE
H.G. Wells! What are you doing here?

H.G. WELLS
Well, I’ve been rolling around in my grave for the past two hours but no one was paying attention, so I thought I’d come up here and smack you all in person.

THE END

Chicago

Starring: Bridget Jones, Richard Gere, Queen Latifah, and Catherine Zeta Jones looking sexy
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(We see Bridget Jones shoot her boyfriend. Then she begins to sing and dance.)

GUYS IN AUDIENCE
What the hell?

QUEEN LATIFAH
I'm big, black and bad.

(Richard Gere shows up, "singing".)

RICHARD GERE
"I don't care about expensive things..."

(Immediately half the audience gets up to leave.)

LONE AUDIENCE MEMBER STILL SITTING
Wait, look! It’s Catherine Zeta Jones in black leather!

(The audience returns to their seats. Some more songs are performed. More importantly, Catherine Zeta Jones remains clad in black leather.)

FEMINISTS IN AUDIENCE
That movie rocked.

GUYS IN AUDIENCE (fantasizing about Catherine Zeta Jones)
Oh yeah.

(Three months later, the Academy Judges meet in an undisclosed location.)

ACADEMY JUDGE 1
Let’s see…last year we placated the African American lobby and Schizophrenics of America. Which group should we appease this year?

ACADEMY JUDGE 2
How about the Militant Feminists?

OTHER ACADAMY JUDGES
Works for us.

(Chicago wins Best Picture for 2002.)

THE END

Deep Blue Sea

Starring: Stock Characters, Smart Sharks, and Samuel L. Jackson
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Stock Characters are chilling in an undersea laboratory/aquarium thingie.)

STOCK SEXY FEMALE SCIENTIST
Look at these sharks we’ve been experimenting with. They’re all smart now.

STOCK FOREIGN GUY WHO DIES EARLY ON
Cool.
(A shark bites his arm off.)
Ahhhhhhh!!!

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
Quick, airlift him outta here.

STOCK NERDY NERVOUS GUY
But…there’s a hurricane going on up there!

(They airlift him anyway. The helicopter crashes and Smart Sharks fling him through the underwater laboratory’s window.)

STOCK FEMALE WHO’S NOT AS HOT AS THE OTHER FEMALE
Oh no, the laboratory’s integrity has been breached! The sharks will be here soon!

STOCK FUNNY BLACK GUY
Why are them sharks actin’ all pissed, yo?

STOCK SEXY FEMALE SCIENTIST
Perhaps it’s because we’ve been forcing them to watch Richard Simmons's “Sweating with the Oldies: Vol. 3” on endless loop.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Don’t worry, I know a way out!

STOCK CHARACTERS
Samuel L. Jackson??!!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
That’s right. I’m here to save the day. Now listen very carefully: all you have to do is—
(gets eaten by a shark)

STOCK NERDY NERVOUS GUY
That’s it?? He was only on screen for ten seconds!

STOCK FEMALE WHO’S NOT AS HOT AS THE OTHER FEMALE
What’s even more amazing is that for those ten seconds he was paid three times the rest of our saleries combined.

(The sharks swim closer.)

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
Okay, enough. Let’s figure out who’s going to live and who’s going to die. Nervous Guy and Not As Hot Female, you’re definitely going to die.

(They both get eaten by sharks.)

STOCK SEXY FEMALE SCIENTIST
What about me?

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
Hmm…that’s a tough one. On one hand, you’re extremely hot—so you should live. On the other, you’re the reason we’re all in this jam. Plus, you and I don’t seem to have much chemistry. So you’ll probably die too.

(She gets eaten by sharks.)

STOCK FUNNY BLACK GUY
What ‘bout me?

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
Are you kidding? The funny black guy never dies. You’re as certain to survive as I am.

(He’s right. Also, they kill the Smart Sharks.)

STOCK FUNNY BLACK GUY
Okay, now what?

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
You’re really new to this stock action movie gig, aren’t ya? We just hold on to this floating debris until the camera pans away.

STOCK FUNNY BLACK GUY
That’s it?

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
No, also say a funny final line.

STOCK FUNNY BLACK GUY
How about, "I read a review that said this movie was scarier than Jaws."

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
That’s more disturbing than funny.

THE END

The Phantom of the Opera

Directed by: Joel Schumacher
Starring: Actors singing in their own voices and Minnie Driver
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Fade up on the Paris Opera House in the 19th century.)

CHRISTINE
"In sleep he sang to me; in dreams he came."

MPAA RATINGS BOARD
We've heard enough. Bump this one up to PG-13.

CHRISTINE'S FRIEND WITH HUGE KNOCKERS
Christine, he's here, the Phantom of the Opera!

PHANTOM (masked)
Hello.

CHRISTINE
Oh! Who are you? My dead father?

PHANTOM
What the hell? I'm the guy who's been giving you voice lessons for the past five years.

CHRISTINE
Oh yeah...

PHANTOM
Come with me, my Angel of Music.

(He leads her to his super secret basement hideout. There are mysterious waterways, lots of burning candles, and at one point they ride Mr. Ed.)

PHANTOM (to Christine)
Look what I made.

(He shows her his lifesize sculpture of her. She faints. Fade out. Next thing we see, she wakes up in his bed sans stockings and with her hair all messed up.)

CHRISTINE
Oh my! What did you do to me while I was asleep?

PHANTOM (lounging in his robe, smoking a cigarette)
Nothing, babe.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Raoul approaches Two Queer Opera Managers.)

RAOUL
Where is Christine?

TWO QUEER OPERA MANAGERS
Don't ask us. We're only the comic relief.

RAOUL
I must find her. I just realized I'm in love.

TWO QUEER OPERA MANAGERS (gazing longlingly into each other's eyes)
*Sigh*...so have we.

SCARY CHOREOGRAPHER/DOMANATRIX
Mademoselle Christine has returned.

RAOUL
You know, you really stand out.

SCARY CHOROGRAPHER/DOMANATRIX
Is it zee way I dress in all black?

RAOUL
That and the fact you're the only one of us to speak in a French accent.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(That night. Christine is performing in the opera. Raoul and Two Queer Managers are watching. Suddenly, Phantom gets mad and hangs some dude from the balcony.)

EVERYONE
Ahhhhh!!!!

(Christine runs outside; Raoul is at her heels.)

CHRISTINE
OMG, he's going to come after me next!

RAOUL
Who?

CHRISTINE
The Phantom of the Opera!

RAOUL
Christine, there is no Phantom of the Opera.

CHRISTINE
Huh? Who do you think just killed that fat guy?

RAOUL
Probably some psychotic loner living amongst the shadows of the theater.

CHRISTINE
Exactly! The Phantom of the Opera!

RAOUL
I'm not following.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Phantom gets mad and challenges Raoul to a duel. Raoul kicks his ass and is about to kill him.)

CHRISTINE
Raoul, don't!

(Raoul lets him live and runs off with Christine.)

PHANTOM
They let me live... For that, they shall pay with their lives!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TWO QUEER MANAGERS
Hey Christine, the Phantom just gave us this new opera he wrote. He wants you to play the lead. Here's the script. We open in two hours.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Christine is performing in the new opera. Suddenly Phantom walks on stage and begins to seduce her.)

RAOUL (from his box in the audience)
It's the Phantom!

FRENCH COPS
Let's get him!

RAOUL (watching Phantom and Christine making mental love to each other)
Wait! This is kind of turning me on.

(Phantom is about to kiss Christine when she unmasks him.)

OPERA AUDIENCE (in horror)
Dear God! He has a bad sunburn!

PHANTOM (in agony)
The bottle said SPF 15! THE BOTTLE SAID SPF 15!!!!

(He kidnaps Christine and takes her to to his super secret hideout a.k.a. the basement.)

PHANTOM
You'll stay here with me forever! No one will ever find you!

RAOUL (shows up)
Christine!

PHANTOM
Ah, shit.

CHRISTINE
Raoul!

PHANTOM
All right, I get it. You two are in love. Fine, scram.

(Christine kisses him deeply and passionately.)

PHANTOM
Oh my... Does this mean you've loved me all along??

CHRISTINE
No, I'm just a tease.
(leaves with Raoul)

PHANTOM
*Sigh*...I guess it's just you and me, Mr. Ed.

MR. ED (in despair)
Willlllllburrrrr!!!

THE END

The Omen

Directed by: Richard Donner
Starring: Oscar Winner Gregory Peck, Oscar Nominee Lee Remick, and the Infamous No-Named Horror Movie Supporting Cast
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Cue: Scary music with demonic Latin chanting. Half the audience pisses their collective pants.)

SCARY DOCTOR
Your wife just had a miscarriage but she doesn't know it yet. If you'd like, we can offer a replacement and she'll never know the difference.

GREGORY PECK
Okay, give me that half-human, half-jackal baby you've got brooding in the corner.

SCARY DOCTOR
As you wish.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Three years have passed.)

LEE REMICK
Honey, have you noticed anything strange about our son Damien lately?

GREGORY PECK
Whatever do you mean?

LEE REMICK
Well, for instance, last week I took him to that drive-through zoo and all the baboons tried to eat him.

GREGORY PECK
Hmm...

LEE REMICK
And then, when we took him to church on Sunday he screamed like Dakota Fanning caught in a blender.

GREGORY PECK
Yes...

LEE REMICK
And on his birthday party, his nanny committed suicide in his name.

EVIL MARY POPPINS (arrives)
Speaking of which, hello!

GREGORY PECK
Who are you?

EVIL MARY POPPINS
I'm the new nanny.

GREGORY PECK
That's funny, we didn't advertise for a new nanny.

EVIL MARY POPPINS
No, you didn't.

GREGORY PECK
Well, welcome aboard!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Gregory Peck is in his office.)

SECRETARY (on the intercom)
Sir, Raving Priest is here to see you.

GREGORY PECK

Send him in.

RAVING PRIEST (entering)
There's something wrong with your son!

GREGORY PECK
Oh, not you too...

RAVING PRIEST
He's the Antichrist!

GREGORY PECK
That's fascinating. Say, Father, why don't you take a nice long walk to clear your head.

(Raving Priest does so and is impaled by a lightening rod.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BRITISH PAPARAZZI
Look at these pictures I took of the people around your son who have died recently! The pictures all predict their deaths!

GREGORY PECK
I can't believe this...

BRITISH PAPARAZZI
What, that your son is the Antichrist?

GREGORY PECK
No, that I'm an Oscar Winner presently acting alongside the guy whose biggest claim to fame will be playing the Scientist in Teenage Mutuant Ninja Turtles II.

BRITISH PAPARAZZI
True, but fortunately mine wasn't the career most damaged by that particular movie.

VANILLA ICE (flipping burgers)
Not cool, man. Not cool.

GREGORY PECK
Well, I guess I better go to Italy and see what Reclusive Religious Guy has to say.

BRITISH PAPARAZZI
I'll come too.

GREGORY PECK
Why?

BRITISH PAPARAZZI
Hey, I won't be chasing Princess Di's limo for twenty years. I need to pass the time somehow.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(They go to Italy and learn Damien is the Antichrist.)

GREGORY PECK
Now that Reclusive Religious Guy has said it, it must be true!

BRITISH PAPARAZZI
We need to kill your son! Wait...let me pick up this knife I dropped by this massive sliding plate of glass.
(gets decapitated)

GREGORY PECK
Well, there goes my lunch.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Gregory Peck travels back home, where he learns Evil Mary Poppins has thrown his ailing wife out her hospital window to her death.)

GREGORY PECK
So much for a spoonful of sugar...

EVIL MARY POPPINS (charging him)
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

(Gregory Peck showcases his manly strength by beating the shit out her.)

GREGORY PECK
Now to kill my son.

(He takes Damien to the church and prepares to stab him.)

COPS
Freeeeeze, punk!!

GREGORY PECK
Oh, officers I'll be with you in just a second. First I have to make pulled pork out of my demon child.

(The cops riddle him with bullets.)

DAMIEN
Thank you, officers. I will demonstrate my gratitude by saving your souls from eternal hellfire...for at least three months.

COPS
Aww, he's so cute.

THE END

Good Will Hunting

Starring: 2 Afflecks, 2 pricks, and Robin Williams
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PROFESSOR SWEDE
You're smart. Why are you a janitor?

MATT DAMON
Because I'm also a bad boy, motherfucker.

PROFESSOR SWEDE
I detect you have emotional problems. Go see friendly therapist, Robin Williams.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DR. ROBIN WILLIAMS
Hello, Will.

MATT DAMON
I hate you, you stupid fucking quack.

DR. ROBIN WILLIAMS
My wife farted in bed.

MATT DAMON
I love you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Matt Damon is at a bar with preppy college students and Minnie Driver.)

PREPPY COLLEGE STUDENT
Blah blah blah Karl Marx blah blah blah Jean Paul Sartre blah blah blah Thomas Hobbes...

(Minnie Driver is not impressed. Matt Damon begins to talk like the Architect in The Matrix. Now Minnie Driver is impressed.)

MATT DAMON (to Preppy College Student)
I got her number. How do you like them apples?

PREPPY COLLEGE STUDENT
She looks like a man. How do you like them apples?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MINNIE DRIVER
Will, I love you.

MATT DAMON
And I hate you.

(Minnie Driver leaves.)

MATT DAMON
Was it something I said?

THE END

Twister

Starring: Hillbilly Tornado Chasers, Hillbilly Scientists, Pepsi can shards, special FX, some British guy trying to sound like a hillbilly, and other disturbing things
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Bill Paxton and Jami Gertz are in civilization.)

JAMI GERTZ
We're so in love. We should get married right away.

BILL PAXTON
Okay... D'oh! I just remembered I'm still married to my ex-wife, the hillbilly tornado chaser.

JAMI GERTZ
Oh well. I guess we could just move to Utah.

BILL PAXTON
No, it's not a problem. She just has to sign the final divorce papers. Say, let's take a week off work to drive down and watch her sign them in person. I'm sure that won't be awkward.

(Bill Paxton and Jami Gertz arrive in Hillbilly Country.)

HILLBILLY TORNADO CHASER 1
Yeee-haw! We chase tarnados!

HELEN HUNT
Hi, Bill. Here're the papers you want. I just have to sign my name to them to make the divorce official. Anyone have a pen? Okay, here's an "H"... And now an "E"...

HILLBILLY TORNADO CHASER 2
Pack up yar saddles, ladies! My Chevy's satellite imaging's telling me we got a big'un comin'!

AUDIENCE
You'd think if he has a satellite imager, he could afford to buy some teeth.

(The Hillbillys, Helen Hunt, Bill Paxton, and Jami Gertz all drive into the tornado.)

JAMI GERTZ (to Bill Paxton)
What are we still doing here? This tornado hasn't rekindled the love between you and your ex-wife, has it?

BILL PAXTON
Er...hey look, a flying cow!

HILLBILLY COW
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YER ASS I'M COMIN' THRU! YEEEEEE-HAW!
(flies by)

HELEN HUNT
Look over there! It's Evil Tornado Scientist Guy!

EVIL TORNADO SCIENTIST GUY
Muhahahahahahahaha!!!! I've stolen the idea for your Tornado Predictor Thingofmajig and will use it to profit from science!

EVERYONE ELSE
Noooooooooooo!!!

JAMI GERTZ
You do realize that your "Tornado Predictor" machine is nothing more than an oversized trashcan filled with miniature snow-globes, right?

(Pause)

HELEN HUNT AND BILL PAXTON
Yeeeeeeeeeeee-haw!!!

(Repeat three times with different tornados.)

JAMI GERTZ
That's it, I'm outta here.
(leaves)

(Repeat two more times.)

BILL PAXTON
Oh no, look! It's the biggest, baddest tornado of them all!

BAD TORNADO
Whooooooooooooooooooshhh!!!!!!!!!!!

EVIL TORNADO SCIENTIST GUY
I saw it first! I'm gonna capture it, cage it up in my basement, and charge ten bucks a head to see it! Hahahahahaha, later, suckers!
(dies)

BILL PAXTON
Quick, we need to make peace with the tornado. Put the trashca—I mean, Tornado Predictor in it's path and let's see what happens.

(They do, but they almost die.)

HELEN HUNT
Did it work?

HILLBILLY TORNADO CHASER 3
All I kin see are them Pepsi cans we put in thar flyin' 'bout.

HELEN HUNT
That means it's working!

BILL PAXTON, HELEN HUNT, AND THE HILLBILLIES
Hoooooray!!!!

PEPSI CEO STEVEN S. REINEMUND
Hoooooray!!!!

BILL PAXTON
Phew...well, that was fun, huh? All right, time to go back to civilization with my fiancee—hey, where is she?

HELEN HUNT
She cursed your name and took off like two days ago.

BILL PAXTON
Hmm...that might put a damper on our wedding. Oh well, guess I'll just stay here.

HELEN HUNT
Glad to have ya back, cowboy.

EVERYONE
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW!!!!

(They all go home and vote Republican.)

THE END

Speed

Staring: Big Bus, Big Bomb, and Big Explosion
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

POLICE CAPTAIN
Chief, I have some bad news. A madman's placed a bomb on a moving bus, and it'll explode if the bus slows below 50 mph.

POLICE CHIEF
My God! Quick, call in the Justice Department, FBI, FEMA—

POLICE CAPTAIN
No need, Chief. I put my two best cops on the case: Ted from Bill and Ted and Harry from Dumb and Dumber.

POLICE CHIEF
We're fucked.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Ted boards a moving bus.)

TED (to the passengers)
Attention, everyone, I'm a cop. Now, I don't want to alarm you, but there's a bomb on this bus.

DIVERSE GROUP OF MULTIETHNIC PASSENGERS (very alarmed)
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

TED
Okay, who here is playing the comic relief/love interest?

SANDRA BULLOCK (from the back)
Me.

TED
You're sitting too far away. I can't oggle your body from back there. Here, come up front and drive the bus.

BUS DRIVER
Excuse me...are you sure? I mean, I've been trained to handle a vehicle of this size and—

TED
You go shush now!

(Bus Driver gets shot, and Sandra Bullock takes his place.)

SANDRA BULLOCK
I should warn you, I don't have a license.

TED
Yes, but on the plus side, you have boobs.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HARRY
I'm going to arrest the bomber now.

POLICE CAPTAIN
Okay.

(Harry and various cops arrive at the bomber's house.)

RANDOM COP
Wait! We probably shouldn't go inside. See that flashing red light connected to that metal box with wires sticking out of it?

HARRY
Yeah?

RANDOM COP
Might be a bomb.

HARRY
Shut up, rookie. Besides, a blinking red light on a bomb would mean it hasn't been set yet. You know, like a VCR.

RANDOM COP
Uh, are you sure?

HARRY
Positive.
(goes inside)

(BOOM.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SANDRA BULLOCK
So, are you going to help us off the bus?

TED
Can't. It'll blow.

SANDRA BULLOCK
Well, are you going to diffuse the bomb?

TED
Can't. It'll blow.

SANDRA BULLOCK
So what should we do?

TED
Um...drive faster.

SANDRA BULLOCK
That's it?!

TED
No. Also drive over that unfinished bridge up ahead.

(They do. It is cool.)

SANDRA BULLOCK
Wow, we made it! You'd think all that raucus would have set off the bomb.

TED
Yeah, you'd think.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

POLICE CAPTAIN
Okay, we were able to trick the mad bomber and get everyone safely off the bus, but now he's kidnapped Sandra Bullock and escaped into the subway.

TED
I'll save her!

(He goes into the subway and sees the mad bomber.)

MAD BOMBER
Hahaha, you can't beat me! You're just one cop!

TED
Ah, but I'm playing the same cop I played in Point Break, where I kicked some serious ass.

MAD BOMBER
Noooooooooooo!!!
(gets beheaded)

SANDRA BULLOCK (to Ted)
My hero!
(They kiss.)
I had such a great time. Are you ready for the sequel?

TED
Um...yeah, I just...have to get something from my car.

(He runs off and we hear the fleeing squeal of tires.)

THE END

Minority Report

Directed by: Steven Spielberg
Starring: Hollywood Hunk Tom Cruise, Hollywood Hunk Colin Farrell, Hollywood Hunk Max von Sydow
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TOM CRUISE
Look how great our Crime ESP is. We police catch killers before they kill.

COLIN FARRELL
But what if one of your predicitions is wrong?

TOM CRUISE
Haha, that notion is too ridiculous to ponder.

(The Murder Psychics predict wrong and name Tom Cruise as the next killer. Now all the police hate him.)

TOM CRUISE
Oh no! I better hide out at Murder Psychics' Mother's house.
(does)

UGLY OLD WOMAN
Hey baby, gimme a smootch.
(sloppily frenches him)

AUDIENCE (close to vomiting)

Good God.

POLICE WHO NOW HATE TOM CRUISE
There he is! Get him!

TOM CRUISE
Oh no, I'm going to be caught! What should I do?

STEVEN SPIELBERG
We're about to lose the male 11-15 crowd. Do cool action movie stunts.

(Tom Cruise becomes the Rocketeer and dances around with a jetpack.)

MALES 11-15
Yay!!

TOM CRUISE
Now I must solve the mystery.

DRUNK COMMIE DOCTOR
First, I must cut out your eyes.
(does)

TOM CRUISE
Okay. Now I can finally solve the mystery.

DRUNK COMMIE DOCTOR
Wait! Drink this milk.

(Tom Cruise drinks green milk and swallows enough mold to make penicillan for a small town.)

AUDIENCE (close to vomiting)
Good God.

TOM CRUISE
Now can I pleeeease solve the mystery??

STEVEN SPIELBERG
No! Hide from these robotic tarantalas.

(He does.)

TOM CRUISE
This sucks. I'm outta here.

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Okay, solve the mystery.

TOM CRUISE (does)
Aha, so it was Old Murder Psychic Guy all along!

AUDIENCE
Huh? We don't get it.

TOM CRUISE
Let me explain it all to you through an extended and elaborate powerpoint presentation.
(does)

AUDIENCE
Now we see—Old Murder Psychic Guy is bad.

OLD MURDER PSYCHIC GUY
Yep. But I'm not that bad—watch as I vindicate my wrongs by committing suicide.

(He does and he does.)

TOM CRUISE
Wow, we were sure dumb. All right, let all the murderers free!

(They release all the prisoners, who promptly kill half the city.)

THE END

The Crucible

Starring: 17th Century Joey Buttafuoco, 17th Century Amy Fisher, and Crazy Puritans
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHINY MINISTER (at his unconscious daughter's bedside)
Oh God, how could my niece and daughter have danced in the woods...NAKED?! My career is over!

AUDIENCE
Please...we've seen more nudity on The Disney Channel.

(Whiny Minister leaves. 17th Century Joey Buttafuoco and 17th Century Amy Fisher enter.)

17TH CENTURY AMY FISHER
Kiss me! Make love to me!

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Yo yo, I know we had our thing, but I'm married. I'm a blue-collar workin' man and gotta stay true to my family from now on.

17TH CENTURY AMY FISHER
Gimme a break, Joey. I saw you spyin' on me in the woods.

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Look, you got a hot bod and all, but I can't do this to my wife.

17TH CENTURY AMY FISHER
She's standing in the way of our love! I'm gonna mess her up!

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
You're wacked.

(Whiny Minister, Angry Minister, and Puritans enter.)

ANGRY MINISTER (sees the unconscious girl)
My God, this is the devil's work!

17TH CENTURY AMY FISHER
That's right! She's been possessed! And I know who the witch is...his wife!
(points to 17th Century Joey Buttafuoco)

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Yo, don't go there!

ANGRY MINISTER
Grrrrr! Let's get her!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The Buttafuoco residence...)

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Mary Jo, the town's coming after ya because Amy Fisher accused you of witchcraft.

17TH CENTURY MARY JO BUTTAFUOCO
What'd I tell ya, Joey? I don't want you hangin' around that girl no more.

(Crazy Puritans show up with torches and pitchforks.)

CRAZY PURITANS
There she is!! Burn her!!

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Aw, shit.

(The Crazy Puritans take 17th Century Mary Jo Buttafuoco before Mean Old Judge.)

MEAN OLD JUDGE
Joey Buttafuoco, you're wife's been accused of witchcraft. What do you have to say?

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
It's all a sham! That Amy Fisher chick is fucked up.

CRAZY PURITANS
Booooooooo!!

MEAN OLD JUDGE
Sorry, the mob has spoken.

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Okay, you want to know the truth? Amy's just jealous 'cause we used to do the horizontal limbo before I finally dumped her. And good riddens. That chick's hot, but she's messed up in the head, yo.

MEAN OLD JUDGE (to 17th Century Amy Fisher)
Is there any truth to this?

17TH CENTURY AMY FISHER
Nope. He's just lying cause he's a witch too.

CRAZY PURITANS
Burn him!!

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Man, I'm being set up by a Long Island lolita!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Months have passed. 17th Century Joey Buttafuoco and 17th Century Mary Jo Buttafuoco are in jail.)

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Rumor is they're gonna hang me in a couple minutes.

17TH CENTURY MARY JO BUTTAFUOCO
Aw Joey, I always believed in you.

ANGRY MINISTER
Me too.

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
You? But you're the guy who had me arrested.

ANGRY MINISTER
Yes, but I've had an unpredictable change of heart.

(Mean Old Judge and Crazy Puritans show up.)

MEAN OLD JUDGE
Joey Buttafuoco, we decided we'll let you live if you publicly confess to witchcraft.

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Fine, fuck it. I'm a witch.

AUDIENCE
Huh? That's not supposed to happen. He's supposed to say he can't live without his name.

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Are you kiddin' me? My name's Buttafuoco for Chrissake. I think I can do without it.

THE END

Rosemary's Baby

Directed by: A bad man who likes little girls
Starring: Mia Farrow, Old People Satanists, and Lucifer (in an uncredited cameo)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ROSEMARY
Hi.

NEIGHBOR LADY
Hi.

(Later, Neighbor Lady falls to her death.)

ROSEMARY
Oh no! How could this have happened?!

WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST SIDE
No clue. But here, eat this chocolate mousse I made for you. Your husband is in agreement.

SELFISH HUSBAND
Yes.

(Rosemary eats the chocolate mousse and falls unconscious. She has a trippy dream that is rivaled in weirdness only by the tunnel scene from Willy Wonka. Floating heads are laughing all around her, then the devil appears and they screw.)

ROSEMARY (wakes up)
Oh, what a strange dream!
(realizes her back is all clawed up)
Ah! What happened?

SELFISH HUSBAND
I decided to have my way with you while you were unconscious, and you know how I like it rough. Anyway, I have to go to work now. My stalled acting career has mysteriously and abruptly taken off!

ROSEMARY
I might be pregnant.

GOOD DOCTOR
You are.

WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST SIDE (to Rosemary)
Don't go to him. Here's a better doctor.

EVIL DOCTOR
Hi.

(Evil Doctor prescribes evil things for Rosemary. Wicked Witch of the West Side gives Rosemary evil drinks. Soon, Rosemary has turned into an "anorexic" Paris Hilton and sports a Meg Ryan haircut.)

ROSEMARY'S FRIENDS
You look like Lindsay Lohan after she started doing coke.

NICE OLD MAN
Rosemary, I have to tell you something very important about your neighbors!

ROSEMARY
What is it?

NICE OLD MAN
Oh, I can't tell you now. Come by my place tomorrow when I'm almost certain to be dead.

(She does and he's right.)

ROSEMARY
Oh no! I wonder what he wanted to tell me and if it has anything to do with this book he left for me: "New York Witches And The High-Rise Apartments They Live In".
(Thirty agonizing minutes later...)
Oh, my neighbors must be witches!

AUDIENCE
Well, duh.

(Rosemary frolicks around town and then falls unconscious. She wakes up in her bed.)

WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST SIDE
Shhh...everything is all right now. Oh, by the way, you had a miscarriage while you were unconscious.
(A baby cries from the next room.)
Yep. A miscarriage.
(Baby cries again.)
Well, gotta go!

AUDIENCE
Hold on...at some point isn't this movie supposed to get scary?

(Rosemary sneaks into the next room and discovers a meeting of Old People Satanists.)

OLD PEOPLE SATANISTS
Hail Satan!

SELFISH HUSBAND
Yeah, uh, hail Satan!

ROSEMARY
Wait, you're a Satanist too?

SELFISH HUSBAND
No, I'm just selfish.

(Rosemary peers into a baby carriage to see her baby for the first time.)

ROSEMARY
AHHHH, what have you done to his eyes?!

HEAD SATANIST
Nothing. He has his father's eyes.

LUCIFER
Yeah, relax babe. I didn't freak out when I saw he's got your nose.

ROSEMARY
Oh my, I'm the mistresss of the devil and mother to the antichrist!

OLD PEOPLE SATANISTS
Yep.

ROSEMARY
So then...shouldn't you all be worshipping me too?

OLD PEOPLE SATANISTS
Hail Rosemary!

LUCIFER
That's my girl.

THE END

Timeline

Directed by: Richard Donner
Starring: Some unconvincing grad students, some unconvincing Medieval Europeans, and Bill Gates
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Bill Gates and his attorney are in Microsoft's new product testing lab.)

BILL GATES
We just used our secret time machine to inadvertantly send one of the teachers from "Head of the Class" back to Medieval France. Oops.

BILL GATES'S ATTORNEY
Which teacher?

BILL GATES
The Scottish guy no one took seriously.

BILL GATES'S ATTORNEY
Should I send the Marines back in time to rescue him?

BILL GATES
No. Let's send Paul Walker and some nameless B-movie actors instead. That way, if the rescue mission fails—which it almost certainly will—the world won't be any worse off.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(A team of grad students, including Paul Walker and Ethan Embry, arrive at Microsoft Corporation.)

BILL GATES
We need you to use my company's time machine to travel to Medieval France and rescue Billy Connelly.

PAUL WALKER
No problem, man. Which car do I drive?

BILL GATES
Um...

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Wait, you own a time machine?

BILL GATES
That's right. How else do you think we've been able to so accurately predict the market trends for the past two decades? Anyway, we were doing research for our new product, Windows BC: The Prehistoric Edition, and as an unintended consequence discovered this link to medieval Europe. Now—do any of you know how time travel works?

ETHAN EMBRY
Well, I saw Back to the Future.

BILL GATES
Did you understand it?

ETHAN EMBRY
I guess.

BILL GATES
Then you're over-qualified for this mission. You'll stay here. The rest of you, suit up.

(They suit up and are about to enter the time machine.)

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Wait, I don't speak French!

BILL GATES
Don't worry, we're sending Monsieur Francois along with you to translate.

(The team of grad students and company workers use the Big, Flashy Igloo to travel back in time to Medieval France, where half the team including Monsieur Francois are promptly killed.)

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Well, that sucks. Now what?

GUY FROM MINORITY REPORT
Look, there's Billy Connelly. Let's rescue him.

(They do.)

BILLY CONNELLY
Hello, my friends.

SCOTTISH GRAD STUDENT
Hello there.

AUDIENCE
Huh?! More than one Scottish dude in a movie that's not Braveheart? This is outrageous!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Back at Microsoft...)

BILL GATES
Unfortunately, a grenade blew up the time machine.

ETHAN EMBRY
What?! When did this happen?!

BILL GATES
While you were in the can. Anyway, it looks like the mission is doomed.

ETHAN EMBRY
Wait, can't we use quantum physics to travel to another universe and rescuse them?

BILL GATES
No, you're thinking of the book. We had to dumb down the scientific explanations for the target movie audience, so this busted time machine is all we got.

ETHAN EMBRY
Well, can't we try to fix it?

BILL GATES
I guess.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Back in Medieval France...)

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Hurry, everyone! Pissed Off English Guy and Disgruntled Microsoft Ex-Employee are chasing us!

PAUL WALKER
Don't worry. We can all hop in my 330 GTC and high-tail it out of here.

SCOTTISH GRAD STUDENT
Um...that's a donkey.

DISGRUNTLED MICROSOFT EMPLOYEE
Grrrrrrr! I'm mad because Bill Gates sent me back in time without a way to get home!

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Why'd he do that?

DISGRUNTLED MICROSOFT EMPLOYEE
Remember Windows ME? That was my idea.

PISSED OFF ENGLISH GUY
I hate you Americans!

SCOTTISH GRAD STUDENT
What about me?

PISSED OFF ENGLISH GUY
I hate your hair!

BILLY CONNELLY
What about me?

PISSED OFF ENGLISH GUY
I hate your TV show!

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Hey, it looks like Microsoft just fixed the time machine! Quick, let's go!

SCOTTISH GRAD STUDENT
Not me. I'm going to stay here with my new love, Hot Medieval French Chick.

(The rest of the team travel back to Microsoft Corporation.)

BILL GATES'S ATTORNEY
Welcome back.

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Where's Bill Gates?

BILL GATES'S ATTORNEY
Hmm? Oh, he travelled back in time. I'm think he's dead now.

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Wow, a world without Bill Gates? How will we survive without his innovations?

BILL GATES'S ATTORNEY
I'm pretty sure we won't.

PAUL WALKER
That sucks... Can I have his car?

THE END

Psycho

Directed by: Alfred Hitchcock
Starring: A 24-piece string orchestra
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JAMIE LEIGH CURTIS'S MOTHER WHEN SHE WAS A BABE
*Sigh* I want to marry my boyfriend but we don't have the money.

MALE CHAUVENIST BOSS (to Jamie Leigh Curtis's Mother When She Was A Babe)
Hey Sweetcakes, do papa a solid and deposit this $40K for me.

JAMIE LEIGH CURTIS'S MOTHER WHEN SHE WAS A BABE
Argh...if I have to.
(realizes she could steal the money instead)
Cool.

(She flees the city with the cash. It gets dark.)

JAMIE LEIGH CURTIS'S MOTHER WHEN SHE WAS A BABE
*Yawn* I'm tired. Hey—I can sleep there.
(parks at Spooky, Desolate Motel)

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC
Welcome! Would you like a room? You'd be the only one here! Well, except for me, of course. And my mother... We live in that eerie, moonlit house on the hill, but you wouldn't want to meet her—she doesn't care much for company. What do you think of my collection of dead animals? Do you like taxidermy? Say, you look exhausted. Why not take a nice, hot shower?

JAMIE LEIGH CURTIS'S MOTHER WHEN SHE WAS A BABE
Well I'm really a bath person myself, but okay.

(She undresses. Handsome Schizophrenic spies on her through a peep-hole in the next room.)

1960s AUDIENCE
Scandolous!

(Jamie Leigh Curtis's Mother When She Was a Babe is taking a shower. Suddenly, Scary Silhouette pulls back the shower curtain.)

JAMIE LEIGH CURTIS'S MOTHER WHEN SHE WAS A BABE
Ahhh!

24-PIECE STRING ORCHESTRA
DEE! DEE! DEE! DEE! DEE! DEE! (repeat)

(Scary Silhouette makes stabbing motions.)

1960s AUDIENCE
Ahhhh!! Chocolate syrup!!!!!!!

(Handsome Schizophrenic discovers the mess.)

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC
Oh Mother, will you ever learn?
(cleans up)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SQUARE-JAWED BOYFRIEND
Hey, I haven't slept with my girlfriend for awhile. What gives?

HELPLESS SISTER
Well, where is she?

SQUARE-JAWED BOYFRIEND
Ah, therein lies the problem.

HELPLESS SISTER
We better call a detective.

SQUARE-JAWED BOYFRIEND
I'll hire one with the money I didn't have to get married.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

INEPT P.I.
Here I am.

HELPLESS SISTER
You're a detective?

INEPT P.I.
Hey, I look a lot more imposing with my trench coat and hat. I'll find your friend, just watch.

(Inept P.I. follows Jamie Lee Curtis's Mother When She Was A Babe's trail to Spooky, Desolate Motel.)

INEPT P.I. (to Handsome Schizophrenic)
You haven't seen a young woman pass through here recently, have you?

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC
Who, me? Haha...that's crazy. Who told you that? Oh, you can look around if you want, sure. The guest rooms, the front office... I have nothing to hide. Just, uh, stay away from the eerie house on the hill, okay? I mean, it's not me, it's just my mother, she's in there and needs uh rest and stuff. So anyway, how ya doing?

(Inept P.I. sneaks into the house.)

INEPT P.I.
Hmm, I see a scary, dark cellar...but I think the real evidence is upstairs.
(walks up the stairs)

(Suddenly Scary Silhouette shows up and stabs Inept P.I.)

24-PIECE STRING ORCHETRA
DEE! DEE! DEE! DEE! DEE! DEE! (repeat)

(Inept P.I. dances backwards down the stairs and dies.)

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC (shows up)
Mother, again?! My Lord...having been raised by you, I swear sometimes I wonder how I turned out so well-adjusted.
(goes back to the motel office)

HELPLESS SISTER AND SQUARE-JAWED BOYFRIEND (arrive)
Hi, have you seen a detective pass through here recently?

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC
Who, me? Haha...that's crazy. Who told you that? Oh, you can look around if you want, sure. The guest rooms, the front office... I have nothing to hide. Just, uh, stay away from the eerie house on the hill, okay? I mean, it's not me, it's just my mother, she's in there and needs uh rest and stuff. So anyway, how ya doing?

(Square-Jawed Boyfriend distracts him while Helpless Sister sneaks into the house.)

HELPLESS SISTER
Hmm, I wonder what's in the cellar...

(Cut to Square-Jawed Boyfriend and Handsome Schizophrenic chatting it up.)

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC
Hey, wait! You're just trying to distract me!
(knocks him out)
Mooooooother, here I come!!!

(Cut to Helpless Sister in the cellar. She comes across a skeleton wearing a sweater.)

HELPLESS SISTER
Aw, that's cute... Hey, wait, you're a rotting corpse! Ahhhhhh!!!

(Knife in hand, Handsome Schizophrenic shows up in a dress.)

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC
This is from my RuPaul line.

(Square-Jawed Boyfriend shows up and knocks him out at the last second.)

SQUARE-JAWED BOYFRIEND
Booo-yah!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(An insane asylum. Handsome Schizophrenic is in a straight-jacket. Two doctors watch him from behind glass.)

DOCTOR ONE
So how did he become crazy anyway? Abused as a child?

DOCTOR TWO
No... He found out he's going to be played by Vince Vaughn in the remake.

DOCTOR ONE
Ahhhhhhh!!!

THE END